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This has nothing to do with the review, and I’ll be brief. I’d just like to take a moment to comment on how much Linkin Park SUCKS ASS! Okay, with that out of my system (for now), on to the movie. Some futury post-apocalyptic type guys kill a rattlesnake for food and call back to Mojave Lab, their base. And then we’re treated to a shot of George Kennedy’s batch. The guys outside scream something about gargoyles and fuzz out. David and Sue go to rescue them, and on the way, they give some exposition about a nuke war that wiped out 99% of the population. They find the two guys ripped to shreds, and go to investigate a cave nearby. Hal tells Dave to stay put so they can come analyze the bodies, but when a girl runs up to them after being chased and attacked by the “gargoyle,” they truck it back to the lab. They need her because she’s living proof that humans can survive on the surface again. The monster, robbed of its prize, follows them to the lab. Linda, the doctor, tells them that the girl, Karen, is three months pregnant. Hal is not happy about the idea of having a kid running around. While they’re talking, the monster destroys their topside security cameras, so David and Andre go to fix them. Failing to reach the cameras, they rig up a microphone and truck it, as the monster is trying to break into the base and nearly takes David’s arm off. Later, David and Sue talk about what it would be like to have a kid running around the lab. Flipping through photo albums is apparently an aphrodisiac in the future, because they start aardvarkin’. Afterwards, Sue visits Karen, who’s none too excited about the baby. The lab gets a call from Rocky Mountain Lab, who are also under attack from the gargoyles. After the call cuts off, Linda pops in to tell them Karen’s pregnancy is in fast-forward. They attempt to deliver the baby, which rips its way out of Karen and escapes into the air ducts. They try to lock it off, but the mechanism doesn’t work. That plan shot, they rig up some flame-throwers and laser guns to hunt it down. They split into two teams, Dave and Andre, and Hal and Neil. Andre splits from David for a minute, and gets eaten. The monster attacks David, his dog interjects and gets slashed, but survives. Following Andre’s example, Neil splits from Hal and gets shredded. Sue runs to help Dave, and Neil’s body falls out of the wall at them. In the confusion, the creature makes off with Sue. The creature tries to do the funky thing with Sue, but Hal nails it with a laser. This just pisses it off, and Hal gets shredded. The rest escape, and Linda tells Dave that Sue is pregnant, but she thinks it’s his. Sue freaks out, because she thinks it’s the monster’s. Linda knocks her out with some sleeping pills and leaves her to rest. David gets a brilliant plan to trap the monster in the air ducts and rips off Alien for about ten minutes. That fails, too. Linda finds Sue dead of a DIY abortion, and an autopsy brings out the baby of…the monster. A study of the monster baby shows they have very sensitive hearing, so they plan to make a really loud tape and annoy the monster to death. When they play it, the monster freaks out and breaks all the speakers. David goes to hunt it again, and it rips up his leg. He hoses it down with something and crawls away. He tries to McGuyver it to death, but it kicks his ass. Linda distracts it long enough for him to nuke it with a flame-thrower and smash its skull with a crowbar. It regenerates and follows them. Linda lures it into the ducts again with a dog whistle, electrocutes it, and it falls into a fan, getting sliced and diced. They get a call back from the Rocky Mountain Lab, that they survived and Dave and Linda should come there. They blow up the lab and the other two monsters lurking outside, and limp away into the afternoon sun. Well, it wasn’t a terrible movie. I like Roger Corman, which I get made fun of for quite a bit. The problem was, it was two different and better movies smushed together. The monster has Predator-o-vision, and the rest of the movie is obviously as close to Alien as you can get while avoiding plagiarism charges. So, if you’d like to see Alien with a different monster suit, go right ahead and rent it. If you’d rather watch something original and not have to look at George Kennedy’s batch, go rent The Dead Hate the Living.
What's a BrainWave?
Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok Begin.
It was promising until the movie began.
Did Georgie kiss the girls? No, he raped them! And this movie is about to rape our souls.
Old socks smell like... uh... old socks.
10 Min.
Kennedy was close. I could smell his Can Do.
Aah, his acne exploded, killing them both!
You'd best be back by sunrise or you'll never be safe in Scotland!
20 Min.
I'll fix this with a piece of gum, a bottle of hair oil, a mesh cut-off t-shirt, and one pair of purple zubas.
Meatballs in the desert? Well good fuckin' job, movie!
Yeah, you can survive on the surface with the monsters... go right ahead!
30 Min.
Can't wait until these longtime companions (not that there's anything wrong with that) get torn to pieces.
Yeah, I remember the time that a guy wrapped in carpet screwed a chick... that was funny.
Can't blame her for not being excited. Being trapped underground with a screaming baby sounds none too fun to me either.
40 Min.
If I'll give this movie credit for anything, I appreciate the use of human-size doors.
Gotta try... for... forty... nope, sorry.
Just dump some poop on it, or poop directly on it!
50 Min.
The first thing George does after finding dead people is to call their food rations (I don't mean on the phone, you jackass!).
Wow, I could sure use that forty right about now. A forty of peppermint Schnapps sounds good. Oh, wait - I have peppermints in my pocket! Close enough.
I took five seconds out of taking notes and drew a scarier monster than the one in the movie.
60 Min.
This sucks!
There'll be no seeing of little creatures in vicinities including my person.
How original. You're mad, I tell you, NADS!!
70 Min.
Dammit Boner, I'm a doctor, not an engineer!
Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a proctologist! Oh, wait.
Spudflanger was a hippopotamus.
80 Min.
That's the movie's ONLY fan, actually. The fan from the beginning dropped off the project.
Fucking Christ, just fart at it!!
That was so mean! I can't believe you farted in the pope's hat!
End.
That... was a bad movie.
Fucking boo! George got the first credit! Oh well, it's done now.
Katheline Mulligan should have supervised the script a little closer.
[Guest Review!] >> Fedeler: Yeah, this movie was pretty much stupid. If you haven't seen either Alien or Predator then this movie might rock some what. Probably not though, not with George Kennedy. 2 Brother Fistula: I hate George Kennedy. Damn George Kennedy. George Kennedy sucks ass. Oh, the movie? Skip it, see Alien and Predator (as if you haven't already) instead. 1
Brother Ferox: I dont' even want to talk about it. Fuck off, Kennedy. 1.7
Brother Ragnarok: Yeah. What Fistula said. George Kennedy must go away forever. The movie should do that, too. 2 because I like Roger Corman.
