   |  |   |
 |
|
Director(s): Satan Producer(s): The Devil Writer(s): Lucifer Editor(s): Morning Star, The
|
|
|
Damned Souls | Model | Minions from below. |
| ||||||||||
|
| |||||||||
Okay, this is it. We saved the worst movie for the last one to review before re-opening, but it came up eventually. I think that maybe we hoped that it would just go away if we ignored it long enough. We also thought that maybe it would pull an Alien Prey, sucking ass the first time and being lots of fun the second time. Let me tell you something. We were wronger than Uncle Jessie making porn with little Stephie in an episode of Full House. Let’s just get this over with quickly, can we? Doubtful. Note: at the time of writing this, I still don’t remember any of the character’s names, so they will be referred to as whatever they are. After doing some modeley things, a model and her thief boyfriend drop their son(who is creepily flipping through mom’s lingerie portfolio) off at boarding school and go to case a house that he’s planning to rob. He tells her to stay in the car, but she follows him in and they see a hooker being killed by some chode wearing Isotoners. The model freaks and runs back to the car, but thief boy is nowhere to be found, and neither are the keys. The Isotoner guy comes outside and chases her, but she hides in the car. After spending the night in the car, she makes her way to the road and hitchhikes back to town. Oddly enough, the car she hid in teleports itself across the street somehow. Curiouser and curiouser. The model goes to some friends’ house, where she tells them about the murder, but they don’t believe her. There’s some general strangeness with a flock of pigeons in the basement. The model meets with an old lady and explains the events. That night, someone shows up in the dark outside her house. Now, up until this point, the movie was simply boring. Granted, it was about ninety hours worth of boring, but just boring nonetheless. But here, we are shown the true face of horror and revulsion. FULL FRONTAL NUDITY GRANDMA SEX!!! AAAGH, GET IT AWAY!! A disgusting saggy old woman boffs her nephew (okay, so it’s FFN Aunt Sex, big deal, it’s still fuckin’ gross). Some guy pops up later and explains to the model that the birds are his. Some other things probably happen here, but the notes are a little blurry, as is the rest of the night. Skipping ahead a few hours (in our time, not the movie’s), Isotoner guy shows up at her house and kills another girl. The prissy old-lady-fuckin’ nephew guy shows up and takes the model back to the house. They make the sign of the twelve-month hibernating squirrel. The afterglow worn off, model chick investigates the house and some dead bodies fall out of a closet at her. Priss guy/Isotoner guy (the secret is revealed and we’re all in too much pain to care!) tries to kill her, his aunt interjects, he kills her, the model escapes, and the notes say that Isotoner guy escapes, although he may have been killed by the cops, I’m not too sure. Now, I tried as best I could to make a semi-coherent synopsis out of the muddled notes and memories, but this movie is really hard to pay attention to. It is THE WORST MOVIE EVER FUCKING MADE, hands down. Don’t even try to tell me you have something worse. You don’t. No one does. You can’t. There’s just one more little note I’d like to make about the movie itself. After all that stupid crap, the house does not vanish. The title is referring to the fact that all through the movie the girl is trying to find it, but she can’t. The reason is that it was a foggy night when she went there the first time, and they went in through the back so she couldn’t identify it. The whole stupid movie is a fucking blonde joke. I’d like to thank braineater.com for that revelation, because there’s not a hairball’s chance in a cyclotron any of us were coherent enough by the end to have figured that out. And when I say incoherent, I don’t mean drunk or high, I mean in PAIN. The braineater crew are better men than we, obviously. Either that or they had some kind of divine protection from the horrors. Bottom line, stay the fuck away from this movie unless you have a written guarantee of protection from one or more benevolent gods. It will sap you and kill you. We survived because we aren’t human, but any puny mortals who fuck with this movie will experience not only the excruciating pain we felt, but will also die, and so will everyone else in your family.
What's a BrainWave?
Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok Begin.
God be with us.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck mothergoddamn... sonofanasseater, it's starting!!
We die now. It was fun while it lasted.
3 Hours.
Well it's boring, that hasn't changed.
Oh God, I wish she would just disappear into the fog...
Peshak's making popcorn. Mild stinging.
9 Hours.
Oh, William! Oh, the pain!
What the fuck was the nakedness of the ugly hooker all about?
Better a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy... or this movie.
17 Hours.
I wish this movie would vanish!
B'...seh...uhn...death... come for me, bringer of ultimate relief!
AARGGH! Scary red ass!!
27 (or 47) Hours.
Thrill, as nothing happens!
... what is the point? Are you not scared?
The cracked-out tiger is attacking me!
52 Hours.
God, I'm being punished for something. Whatever it is, I'm sorry.
EXPLOSIVE SUCKING! HE SAID EXPLOSIVE SUCKING!! FOR POWER, EVEN!!!!!!!
The joking stops, the pain sets in.
378 Hours.
Oh God, I'm sterile now! I'll never look at the splendor of women the same way again!
it happened. Satan comes hither. no.
Pigeon guy! KILL ME!!! Mal's disturbingly unaffected by grandma's nekkidness. I think it's time to go back to church.
700 Hours.
I knew that noose would come in handy someday!
[transcription is coming]
Jerry Fallwell, come and watch this movie. DEATH TO THE INFIDELS!!
913 (or 12,004).
Please save me, pink flamingo!
?
There's a pink flamingo. It's scaring me, Kabukiman!
1,507 (or 3,749,832) Hours.
Jack-o's on his back-o.
No.....................................
........................................tes?The end is nigh - the marmots grow restless. Squirble.
The End of it All.
I never thought I'd be so glad to see Clueless
end
less
none
of
it.Well, that's it. My soul is dead. Pain. Dribble.
Guest Review:>>> Fedeler: While my friends may speak of emotional scars received by this movie, I bear gaping, spurting wounds. This movie blind sided all of us - 0. Brother Fistula: Mother of Mercy. I think a part of all of us withered and died from seeing this movie. Let this be a lesson to us all, maybe this movie was a sign from above that we should go to church a little more. 0 Brother Ferox: Nothing....... but............. absence. No. Brother Ragnarok: twitch twitch... dribble... twitch... shiver... whimper... twitch... 0 Average: Negative 666 Recommended by: No fuckin one. Run your ass to church!
