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We begin on Mars, where a crew of morons in bargain-basement space suits (their boots were probably bought at the local Fleet Farm and spraypainted silver, 'cuz silver is futury ya know!) find a ball of gold tin foil in the ground. They take it back to their ship and it hatches into a slimy sock puppet. I might add that this movie is the second one we've seen with blatant Coca Cola product placement. What is it with Coke funding these shitty movies? Anyway, the ship's air supply runs out, and the computer decides to give a warning only AFTER the entire crew is dead. Two months later, the dead ship arrives at a space station. Some technicians (later to become Token Black Guy and Captain Dickhead) are fixing it and discussing the rumors of what happened as they are spied on by something vague and gooey and icky. As they're fixing the ship, something explodes and a few other people (see cast list) find their way to the ship while everyone else on the station stands around like deer in headlights. The small and useless crew escape on the shuttle as the station explodes behind them. What is it with future ships being propelled with lightbulbs? The rocket housings always have lightbulbs in them. Well, anyway, we discover through one of many slow and painful exposition scenes that their craft is indeed only a shuttle and not a long-range space ship so it will take them 18 months to reach earth. So, instead of signaling for a real starship to come and pick them up like any group of people with more intelligence than your average cucumber, they set off on a course for a re- supply station, bickering all the way. Another comment on the design of future space ships. This is the most incompetent space ship design ever. The halls were designed for dwarves, apparently. Well, Billy the bitchy engineer finds our little alien stowaway, tries to beat him to death with a wrench, and gets killed. The blond girl finds her body and is naturally terrified at the drained corpse. She runs to tell Lead Chick, who intercoms the bridge, but Captain Dickhead and Token Black Guy are shit- faced and don't believe the story. Lead Chick leaves Blonde Girl behind to go to the bridge to tell the guys she's serious, and when she gets there, the computer tells them there's an alien on board. This ship's computer ain't real quick on the draw, is it? I wouldn't feel overly safe being piloted through space by this retard. Enter blatant Alien ripoff scene with the motion (in this case it's temperature, but does that really matter?) detector blips chasing each other around. The Blonde Chick throws acid on GAR and dies. The Black Guy goes to help her, tries to shoot GAR, and dies. Lots of door locking ensues. Now everyone is dead but the two leads. So, they sit in the cabin of the ship for the next, oh, five hours or so and talk about stuff. Not even interesting stuff. Some stuff about what Lead Chick thinks about the matte painti...I mean, stars outside. Boredom ensues. So, as they sit and talk and run out of air and food, the alien taps the ship's computronicable library and reads the literature of Earth. Including the Bible. And instead of laughing at it and destroying the puny humans as any ass-kicking alien should do, he decides that the path and word of the Lord Jesus is the right way and figures, what the hell, I'll be NICE TO EVERYONE! NO, YOU STUPID FUCKER! KILL, BITCH, KILL! Ugh. So Captain Dickhead and Lead Chick meet GAR in the final confrontation where he says he killed only because he was scared and he's very sorry. So they forget about all their dead friends, play a little space checkers and fix the ship in a sickeningly sweet musical montage. Then they all go home. The End. Don't hit me, I didn't write the movie. Although I did get suckered into buying it because the alien on the cover looked mean and had big teeth and actually could KICK SOMEONE'S ASS! Grrr. I want my five bucks back.
Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok Begin.
This is going to hurt.
Star Trek with large-teethed monsters?? Yeah, I suppose...
Heh heh. I wore one of my girlfriend's dresses today.
10 Min.
In the future, computers will revert back to 80's style green and black.
Turn the air back on, Scotty... no, seriously... damn you, Scotty!!
Agh! I'm in another dimension!
20 Min.
Sammy Sosa can hit, but his acting blows.
Great job of explaining what happened, guys. That sucked!
It's gonna blow! If the first twenty minutes are any indication, this movie's gonna blow!
30 Min.
It's refreshing to see a monster that likes to hold hands and cuddle rather than just mauling his victim.
What, they couldn't afford doors and halls?
This movie sucks. Duuhhhh...
40 Min.
Those two have got to be gay *Not that there's anything wrong with that.*
Fuck that music. Honestly, no more $10 keyboards.
Ughbthpbghphthrgh...
50 Min.
My God this movie sucks!
All right, almost everyone is dead - that means the movie is almost over, right?
Ughthphbt...
60 Min.
Nice meteor shower. Blow me movie.
Since when does the computer talk? What? Who cares, anyway?
I wonder if the music is by Jefferson Starship. Get it? Starship. Shut up.
70 Min.
Yeah, welding the monster is probably going to help dickhead.
... the bible? Fuck this movie! Kill him, Stewart - or at least kill yourself.
Is he...no, couldn't be...yep, the alien is READING THE FUCKING BIBLE! Agh!
80 Min.
That's the fucking monster? It looks like a cross between a vagina and Franklin the turtle! And GAR, is that short for Gary? Aaarrgh!
Ten minutes. A scene of nothingness for ten minutes? Fuck.
The theme song is killing me! Dear Ozzy, make it go away!
End.
Filmed entirely in space. The space inside my asshole is more like it.
Fuck! Fuck! No! Fuck! Stop the motherfucking theme song! Fuck!
Filmed entirely in space? Come on now.
Brother Fistula: Come on. You can't blame this movie for its pathetically repetitive set, I can only imagine this movie's budget. Alright, that's all the praise this ass blasting pile of turtle spooge deserves. If I ever find the guy whose idea it was to have GAR become the ships resident evangelist, I will, well, probably nothing. He's probably dead anyway. All in all, I'd rather gargle Richard Jewel's ball sweat than see Star Crystal again. DON'T SEE IT! 1. Brother Ferox: AAAAUGHRRHAHAAAHARRR!!! Wow, this SUCKS! Fistula's comments covered just aboot everything... stay out of the midget-sized hallways and stay out of trees (obviously)... oh, and stay out of the video store if you're planning on seeing this, because if you don't restrain yourself SOMEONE needs to... ow. On a side note, has anyone seen the Michael Jackson & Eddie Murphie video where they're both dancing amongst way-too-fake clouds, rainbows, and babies?? Yeah... the end of this movie is just about as fucked up as that. Actually, it's probably on the same level. Just for the hell of it, it can have a 1.
Recommended by: NO FUCKING ONE Check out the theme song to this one!
