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It’s no secret that the art of making a good monster movie has pretty much dissolved into the atmosphere, and 1996’s Werewolf will sure as hell vouch for that. Hand-tailored for MST3K (it appeared in season 9), Werewolf is two parts boring, two parts incompetence, and one part unintentional humor (you laugh at it, not with it.) The story is set in Flagstaff, Arizona, but nearly the entire cast is European. The only exceptions are George Rivero (Spanish) and everybody’s favorite incompetent uncle Joe Estevez. Sadly, Estevez’s minimal contributions are the best substitute for acting this steamer can come up with. Joe, an Indian, and a K-Mart Marshall Tucker are digging in the desert, when they begin to engage in fisticuffs with their dick-head supervisor Yuri. In the midst of all this, the bones of a Yanaglachi (an Indian variation on the werewolf) are uncovered. Yuri pushes the Indian down onto the bones, which results in injury. As Tucker takes the Indian to the hospital, Yuri and Noel (Rivero; Noel is a manager I guess) finish unearthing the bones. Joe, who is still hanging around, is bothered by what he sees. He’s then given his outright release from the movie but continues to hang around for a while. Meanwhile, the Indian isn’t doing very well. Joe, sensing what has happened (Joe is presumably part Indian) sends him off to the hospital. As he sleeps, Yuri dresses up like a doctor (yes, nurses and desk workers will believe anyone in a lab coat is a doctor) and visits him. He injects the essence of werewolf into him, and he gradually metamorphisizes into a werewolf. He breaks out and kills a security guard who looks very much like Bob Vila. This werewolf won’t get a chance to turn back, though, because Joe and Tucker are waiting for him. They shoot him promptly, and that’s the end. Oh, wait, there’s still eighty minutes left. Damn. A train pulls into the station and our hero emerges, Paul. Though he speaks in a poorly cloaked European accent, he’s a native of Flagstaff. He’s returned home to take possession of a house that belongs to his family. He arrives at the house and is greeted cordially by Keeper Sam, a militant survivalist type (complete with Castroesque beard and fatigues) who answers the door gun in hand and informs Paul that he’s just learned that Count Dracula was a “faggot.” I don’t know why, but I like Keeper Sam, he brings intolerance and homophobia you can only find in America. He helps keep the film grounded. Anyway, I digress. Paul goes upstairs where he finds ceiling fans and Carrie, a woman who seems to live there or is just sitting upstairs for some reason. She invites Paul to a birthday party, where he meets Natalie while she is being harassed by an inebriated Yuri. Conflict ensues, and Noel sends Yuri for a sobering sabbatical to the museum. At the museum, Yuri drugs a security guard (the director, as it turns out) and injects him with the essence of werewolf. He then turns into a werewolf, drives past a gas station four or five times, and crashes into some oil barrels that jump out in front of him. After talking to Natalie the night before, Paul goes to the museum to learn more about the project, and to possibly contribute funds. Yuri arrives and is very much upset. He rips the head off of the skeleton and nails Paul with it on the shoulder, producing a sizable gash. Oh, man, here we go. Later, Paul turns into a werewolf (we really appreciate the five minutes of thrusting, grunting, and splaying movie). He turns back though, and Natalie comes over and comforts our hero. Later, Paul turns into a werewolf again and crawls up to a jeep, where a young couple is about to engage in ill-advised premarital sex. Though I was praying for him to rain a painful tortuous death on the asshole guy (a condom? That’s it, you ruined the mood. I hate these fucking jerk-offs, die every one of you), he kills the P.Y.T. he was about to gurgle and rub his limp pecker all over. Natural selection fails us again. Paul returns home and launches Carrie over the railing of the staircase (I’ve seen that somewhere before). That’s not bad for a single night’s work. Later, Paul is back in bed. Natalie comes on over and Paul drags the secret of what’s going on out of her and bones her. (It may sound like this is going pretty fast, but I’ve omitted most of the exposition crap. We’re on Cliffs Notes here) We’re next whisked away to a local drinking establishment, where Natalie and Paul are enjoying a game of billiards. Yuri slithers into the picture and plays against Natalie while Paul goes over to the corner and metamorphasizes. He goes to the bathroom so nobody will see, but Yuri goes in and sees what is happening. Paul goes and kills some guy while Yuri tells Natalie of he and Noel’s evil plan to put Paul in a cage and market him to the scientist community. Paul has since returned home and attacked Keeper Sam,(he doesn’t kill him) and Natalie goes there to find him a werewolf. They engage in a touching Euro-love scene before Yuri arrives to Euro-spoil the Euro-moment. Paul jumps out the window and runs to the caves in Hastings, Minnesota (where they filmed the end of the Moranis/Arnold masterpiece Big Bully). Yuri follows, and they engage in a fight scene so humorous the Three Stooges would have been jealous. Yuri pretty much throws his hands over his face and makes a funny sound a few times and then he’s bloody and dead. Must have scratched himself with his watch. Paul returns home to find Natalie, and it’s painfully apparent that she’s a werewolf too. That doesn’t stop this damned movie, they move around in the dark for what seems like an eternity (in fact, it’s still going on, I believe) before revealing the tepid truth. Werewolf should pretty much be avoided at all costs. The actress playing Natalie brings a pretty strong argument for worst actress in recorded history (Nicole Eggert would have something to say about that), and Paul’s sad attempts to disguise his accent are pretty funny. Otherwise, it’s pretty much a 100-minute pain parade that drags worse than J. Edgar Hoover with Joe Estevez sitting on his back. It’s so bad, it incradable!
What's a BrainWave?
Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok Begin.
Oh my God, Werewolf!
That's a really stupid joke and I'm gonna tell Mike!
10 Min.
I'm glad it fascinates someone.
This is absolutely something, but it ain't fascinating. Closer to the coyote's anus, actually.
20 Min.
I'm proud to say Joe Estevez is my favorite American actor.
He injected him with Barbara Mandrell's sweat. Why, I don't know.
30 Min.
He's from Flagstaf when Flagstaf was still a colony of Europe.
Ah, Keeper Sam, This movie's one redeeming quality.
40 Min.
Hey! That's the director!
I get a strage feeling this is a European movie...
50 Min.
That elephant fell asleep while he was pooping on wet cement.
Anal retentive bones, they lined up the... oh.
60 Min.
Lemmy would be ashamed.
Eew, they're rubbing their oily Europeanness all over the sheets!
70 Min.
It's W... E... R... E... W... O... L... F... you moron!
French people smell, but they do make yummy bread.
80 Min.
Oh, for the love of Educating Rita.
Hey, LaJon Witherspoon just ran over the werewolf!
90 Min.
Looks like you just missed French Stewart. And why did they move the ending to the [emu] in Big Bully.
Rocks provided courtesy of France.
End.
Lon Chaney vs. Paul. You make the call!
I've had more surprising endings taking a poop.
Brother Fistula: It’s fun, but it’s a clear contender for the worst monster movie ever made. The lead actress is, in my opinion, the worst actress to ever meander across the screen, and it leaves me pondering if Yuri’s hairstylist gets paid by the hour or by the hair style. It’s sad when a movie leaves you with nothing more than such an anemic conception of life. 1.5 Brother Ferox: Paul, this was a horrible fucking movie! Great to laugh at, though, and good to tear apart. 2
Brother Ragnarok: Who thought this was a good idea? 2.
