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Working at a video store is like being a kid in a candy shop. So many bad movies, so little time. I’ve been forced to resort to flipping coins, and tonight the coin chose The Alchemist. Will it sink like lead or shine like gold? Will Fistula or Ferox kick my ass for making a bad alchemy joke? We’ll see. 1871. A woman is walking through the woods and a guy is tucking in his baby. The woman meets a tall dark man by a bonfire, and the other guy comes upon the scene. The tall guy (no, it’s not Angus Scrimm, but nice try) tells the guy that he has lost the woman. They start fighting and the guys lips up and stabs the woman in the stomach. The tall guy (still not Angus) curses the guy to an eternity killing like an animal. After some pretty flaming titles, we get into our story in the present. Okay, so it’s 1955, but it’ll have to do. There’s a girl in a car that looks like the woman from the beginning. I think we can all see where this is going. Meanwhile, the guy chases down a deer and kills it. Now, call me crazy, but I thought animals weren’t wasteful and ate everything they could. He plays with it for a while, smears some blood around, and that’s about it. Any self-respecting hyena would be ashamed. We jump to an old lady in a cabin that Manimal is attacking. Back in the car, the girl gets a vision of the woman in the beginning and a scary monster face, and then she stops and picks up a hitchhiker. If we’re to assume by standard horror movie conventions that this guy is now our other hero, we’re in trouble. Our heroes are now a Manimal and a preppy wuss in a gay-ass sweater. Anyway, she’s a real bitch to him, and he tries to be nice to her. When she catches him staring at her underdeveloped pasty frog-legs, she kicks him out and promptly gets stuck on the side of the road. He comes back to help her out and she lets him back in. They introduce themselves. Sweater boy is Cam, and vision girl is Lenora. Back at the cabin, we find out more names. Old lady is Ester and Manimal is Aaron. She lets him in and nurses Aaron’s scratches from his chase through the woods. She bleeds him into a glass and mumbles something about his being free. Meanwhile in the car, Lenora gets another vision and develops a cut on her hand. She tells Cam she’s drawn to her visions and is trying to find where they come from. Ester does some more of that voodoo she does so well, Lenora has more visions, Ester does more voodoo. Turns out Ester is trying to swap her soul for Aaron’s, but Satan rejects her and the spell is shot off into the world helter skelter. Guess who it hits? If you said Lenora, you were watching the same movie I was. Congratulations, you’ve been paying attention. Lenora loses control of her visions and her car, and she and Cam end up in the woods. They set off in search of whatever it is she’s looking for. Back at the cabin, Ester apologizes for fuckin’ up the voodoo, and Aaron walks into the woods. Aaron and Lenora meet up in a cemetery by Anna’s (woman from the beginning) grave. Lenora and Cam go back to the cabin with him, Cam displaying all the threatening territorial aspects of a sick schnauzer. When they get to the cabin, Lenora sees a picture of Anna and Ester tells them the story of how Delgatto the Alchemist put a spell on Anna and explains what happened at the beginning. She also tells Lenora of how she screwed up the voodoo and now Lenora’s the one that Satan is coming for at midnight. Lenora and Cam leave the cabin, driving back to the road in Aaron’s truck. In the cemetery, a sparkly door to Hell opens and some demons jump out. Cam and Lenora run one over and get back to their broken down car. Aaron goes native again and starts attacking the cabin. He breaks in, smashes his glass collection, and Ester falls on a fire poker and dies. Another demon attacks Cam and Lenora, and Cam bashes its head it with a tire iron. Wow, I have lost all respect for demons now if wussy sweater boy can kill one. If I ever meet a demon I’ll just laugh at him, give him a wedgie, and be on my merry way. I’ll bet all the demons knit sweater vests and talk about their “womanly time” when they’re not poking the damned with pitchforks. Pansy fucks. Lenora wanders off and stumbles into the cemetery. She walks through the gate to Hell and meets Delgatto on the other side. She tells him Anna is dead, but he doesn’t believe her because of course she looks just like Anna. Aaron and Cam arrive on the scene and go through the portal after her. Delgatto and Aaron fight, and Aaron stabs Delgatto this time. Aaron kisses Lenora goodbye and turns to go. Delgatto jumps through and grabs her, but the gate closes and cuts him in half. Wait, what the hell?! They’re still on the hell side, aren’t they? But how is…? Oh, forget it. Chalk it up to Bigfoot’s Teleporter. Aaron turns old and dies. I guess he really melted for Anna (this is my review, I can make as many bad puns as I damn well please!). Cam and Lenora walk away. The End. This movie, like so many others, starts with a promising idea and falls into the deadly pit of mediocrity. Its problem isn’t that it’s bad, but that it’s just not good either. The only thing that saves it from being a total limbo movie is the ending. As confusing as all the “which goddamn side of the portal are they on?” is, the ending is actually pretty damn good. The film quality throughout makes it feel like one of those old late-sixties to very early eighties European horror flicks. I’m a sucker for grainy pictures (my transfer of Gates of Hell is complete shit and it only adds to the movie), and the weird atmosphere it adds to the already smooth and enjoyable ending manages to pull the movie out of suckdom. The Alchemist would work well both as a group movie, and also something to watch late at night with all the lights off by yourself, not because it’s scary, but because it won’t put you to sleep. At the very least you can keep yourself awake giggling at the demons.
What's a BrainWave?
Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok Begin.
This isn't Dudikoff, what's the deal?!
I want to see blood turned to cheese - easy cheese. There's a bit of could-be cheese in them veins...
Schwetty weiner!
10 Min.
I like the credits, I guess that's a start.
Kill the deer! Kill Pressure 4-5 too.
Bambi, no!
20 Min.
This has got plot point written all over it.
Huh? What? Was reading about Head Charge.
If you're gonna hump me, hump me. Don't just stand there.
30 Min.
At least this movie has glitter. Then again, so does Glitter.
Throw the banana peel in front of yourself - then you can crash, die, and end the movie.
That looks kinda like the spread at our New Year's party.
40 Min.
Man, that was the longest ten minutes of my life.
This movie is whore-able. I mean it - it could profit from introducing a whore.
A wuss in a gay sweater is the last guy in the world I'd want to be trapped in the woods with.
50 Min.
Is she the chick with the dick from Sleepaway Camp?
It's my party and I'll poop if I want to, poop if I want to - You will cry too after I poop on you.
Why the hell are we talking about the history of Doritos?
60 Min.
Don't run over Billy, I want another APC record!
This movie could use some BREAKIN'!
Hell is a pretty, sparkly place...
70 Min.
M-FORCE!
WHOISTHAT whoisthat WHOISTHAT whoisthat WHOISTHAT whoisthat WHOISTHAT?
This movie needs M-Force.
End.
The ending was cool, the credits rocked ass, and it was glittery. Sounds good, but that's Cliff's Notes.
Nice kill, movie! Not too long, either.
Tony Abatemarcum is a demon! Stay away from him!
Brother Fistula: Well, I thought it was pretty boring and painfully repetitive, but it made up for it’s shortcomings with a pretty cool ending and some atmospheric perks. In the end, the good cancels the bad and visa-versa. 2.5 
Brother Ferox: I don't really remember anything much from this movie, which shows how much I cared about it. The end was wicked good stuff though... Not good enough for me to care, so in the end it can be thrown a 1.5.
Recommended by: Brother Ragnarok. For my next trick, I'll turn this block of lead into another review!
