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Just got back from spring break. Very little happened. I’m sure there was something I was going to editorialize about at the beginning of this review. I’m also quite sure that I’ve firmly forgotten what it was. So, with just a very little further adieu, here’s an extended version of the last half of Riding With Death…uh…I mean, Shaker Run, of course. Judd, our hero for lack of a better word, is a racecar driver. He did not, however, go quite so goddamn fast as some. In fact, he can barely make his fairy pink Trans-Am jump over a pile of cars. He crashes in the middle of the pile, messes up some mechanical stuff, and makes Casey fix it. Cut to Wayne Manor, where an evil guy takes a tour of a quarantine room. Something fishy and medical is going on here. While Casey finishes up the car, we’re shown some lumpy British people in bed. They’re talking about one of their friends that died, and about stealing the virus and getting it into safe hands. After some of those good ol’ “oops, our main characters just crossed paths and they didn’t even know it!” gags, Christine, the British girl, finally tracks down Judd and Casey at a racecar show. After they perform their stunt, she hires them to drive the virus across the country to deliver it into “safe hands.” Except, of course, she doesn’t tell them what it is. We have to leave room for there to be pointless exposition dialogue later, or the movie would be over in fifteen minutes. Oh, and failed teen heartthrob Leif Garrett says something very odd. Christine then goes to meet a guy named Barry on a mountain lookout. He assures her safe passage. Christine returns to Wayne Manor (graphic nov... huh? Oh, right. I already did that joke in another review) to steal the virus, and brings it to Casey and Judd in one of those fancy metal suitcases with biohazard stickers on it. I’ve always wanted to have one of those and then use it to carry my clothes and stuff in. Freak out security guards at the airport. Oh, shut up. I know you think it’s funny too. Don’t deny it. The evil corporate guys from the beginning who keep all their friends in quarantine discover their pet bio-weapon is missing. Casey and Judd fiddle with the car to make it go really fast. The evil Gilbert Godfried clone garottes Christine’s boyfriend and makes him snitch on her. Some boyfriend. All that undying love crap just tossed out the window as soon as a genetically engineered killer version of the USA Up All Night host shows up on his doorstep. I know it would take at least the evil killer clones of all of the annoying cast of that god awful Oxygen show Keeping Secrets or whatever the hell it’s called for me to give up Malorie for stealing a top-secret super-virus from a bunch of evil British Illuminati wannabes. Well, that was a long-winded sentence, wasn’t it? Let’s get on with the movie, shall we? The evil guys send out a team of mercenaries to hunt down our intrepid threesome. There’s a big gun battle, and somebody’s helicopter (Barry’s, I think) gets shot down. Doesn’t matter. There’s a pretty explosion and our heroes escape. Christine calls Barry, and he tells them to stay put, but the evil guys catch up to them and they have to employ the “Monty Python maneuver”. Another car chase ensues. There’s some hilarity with a ladder. Can’t rightly remember what it was, but that’s what it says in my notes. When they get away, Judd freaks out about being chased all the time and tries to open the box. Christine stops him and tells him and Casey the story about the virus. Michael, Christine’s Godfried-whipped boyfriend, meets up with Barry. Barry sends him to get the virus from her. Meanwhile, now it’s time for Judd to spill his story. He tells Christine about how he ran over Casey’s dad in a pit crew and just kind of became his surrogate father. Uh oh! Our heroes have hit a bit of a snag. The evil guys have got the cops to put up a roadblock. And, there’s another car chase. If it’s one thing this movie delivers on, it’s car chases. There’s one about every ten or fifteen minutes. They escape once more, this time by driving on to one of those big car-hauling ferries. They find an empty room and get some rest. Judd tells Christine that the CIA are’t the “safe hands” she believes 'em to be, that they’ll just do nasty things to other people with it. The evil guys catch up to them on the boat, they escape in another car chase, evil Gilbert wrecks his car and steals a sports car. He chases them up a mountain, and shoots Judd in the arm. Casey throws some bottles of oil at Gilbert and he crashes. A helicopter approaches, but they hide themselves in a barn and fix up Judd’s arm. The evil guys trace them to the barn. They escape in a hail of gunfire for one last car chase. A CIA chopper arrives as reinforcements. Well, really all they want to do is airlift the box with the virus out and let Casey, Judd, and Christine fend for themselves. Christine, however, hooks the airlift cable to the car, giving the also-sort-of-evil Barry no choice but to rescue them. They fly out over the edge of a cliff carried by the chopper while all the bad guys’ vehicles launch themselves to a fiery death, one after the other. I think there was another virus the movie didn’t tell us about which makes people forget what brake pedals are. Anyway, the end. This is the last movie of my first review notebook. Not a bad way to go out, either. It’s really not too terrible a movie. Sure, it’s boring in some parts, but there’s always something to make fun of going on. And it did give birth to one of those great jokes that you can use to make all your friends spray beef stew and gerbils out of their noses when they’re least expecting it. Really, the only complaint is, wouldn’t the virus have been more easily transported in a car a little less conspicuous than a BRIGHT PINK FIREBIRD!? Oh well. If it had all gone off without a hitch, that guy on the dock would have been able to enjoy his sandwich, and a big-ass plate glass window would have gone unbroken. We can’t have that, now can we?
What's a BrainWave?
Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok Begin.
Leif Garett... a denial.
Indigestion, bladder problems, and arthritis? Oh no!
Oh, good. The second half of Riding With Death. Let's watch, won't we?
10 Min.
This is more Riding With Death than even I had hoped for.
Why are they wearing condoms?
Lifestyles of the lame and beer-soaked.
20 Min.
He's reading the official Ric Ocasek fan magazine.
It depends on how long the movie will take.
MMMM!! BEANS!!
30 Min.
MMM... Beans!
MMM, BEANS!! Wait, did someone say that already? Oh... I feel so dejected now that I think I'll poop my pants. No, I won't.
Why is Mick Jagger working for the evil scientists?
40 Min.
What the hell is going on?
Kellogg's Poop Tarts: Now with beans!
MMMM!! BEANS!!
50 Min.
This is what it wuld have been like if they chose Joe Don Baker instead of Ben Murphy.
Is going fifty anything like going fish?
My name is Geek, I put 'em on as a shocker. Man I love these Blue Blockers!
60 Min.
Where's the fruit stand?
No, let's just eat BEANS with DUDIKOFF!
My sandwich made me hallucinate a pink Firebird!
70 Min.
... the hell?
This movie is rich in culture... stupid culture!
This movie can't decide if it wants to be Riding With Death or Final Justice.
80 Min.
At lest it happened to Gilbert Godfried.
Just like Battle Bots, only it sucks.
Her surprises never end and neither does this movie.
End.
For once, yelling end worked.
Wow! That was rockin!
So the bad guys were lemmings all along. Goodnight [Ferox's note: Lemmy??]
Brother Fistula: This alternate script for Riding With Death (minus Ben Murphy plus Leif Garrett) is less fun but actually a little better. It still wasn’t good, though. 2 No Brother Ferox: MMMMMMMMMMMMM.... BEANS!!!! BOOOOOO... THIS MOVIE!!!! 2.
Average: 2 [Close enough, dammit!]
