So, to celebrate our, uh, 40th review here at the Brotherhood,we’re joining the Tomb of Anubis and Radioactive Death for aTriple Threat Review of Robo Vampire. Okay, so we’re notreally celebrating anything. It’s just a coincidence. Tocelebrate 40 reviews would be only to celebrate our laziness,since this site has been around in one form or another forsomething like four years. Ah, well. It’s not about thequantity, it’s about the quality, right? Okay, okay, it’s aboutthe quantity and we’re losers. Can’t you people let me haveANY solace, no matter how delusional? *group yell* NO!!! Well, at least you’re honest bastards. And for that, Igive you Robo Vampire! WARNING: This review contains much blathering about howthe movie is really smart and makes great use of literaryreferences and metaphysical theories. This is all bullshit.The movie is absolutely ridiculous. Cool, but ridiculous. This is also our first review to come off a DVD, and whata feature-packed DVD it is! When you put it in, there isn’teven a menu, it just starts the movie. We see some soldiersleading a guy into some sort of abandoned building. A coffinbursts open, a snake is launched from within, and the threemen are beset by a smoke-breathing hopping vampire. Hey,this is a night of firsts, this is also my first hopping vampiremovie. Uh oh. We’re not even five minutes in and there’salready a logic problem. Why is the vampire rotting? Unlessthis is the Brian Lumley world of vampires and this one hasfallen victim to leprosy? Yeah, that’s it. Loophole repaired.That was easy and painless. This should be a snap. It’ssuch a clever movie that it even makes obscure literaryreferences. I think we’re in for a treat! After the credits, we discover that the soldiers areactually an anti-drug taskforce trying to stop the importingof cocaine by a drug cartel run by a man named Cole. AndCole really hates that goddamn anti-drug agent Tom. Enoughso that he’s managed to hire a kung-fu voodoo priest (wholooks remarkably like a young, thin version of Chief Fox fromIron Monkey) and capture several hopping vampires to guardhis next shipment of Satan’s dandruff. Unfortunately Tonyand Ken, the guys in charge of keeping those little pieces ofpaper that render the vampires inert, are complete morons. Thevampires get loose and attack them, but the voodoo ninja guysaves their asses. During the attack, Tony throws some cokeat the vampires, and several of them vaporize. Lesson to thekiddies: don’t do drugs or you’ll BURST INTO FLAMES! The next day, Cole goes to inform his smugglers that they’rechanging strategies to shipping the drugs in dead bodies. Thenwe see a real live dead cow being stuffed with bags of coke.Hey, P.E.T.A., FUCK YOU! Elsewhere, ninja voodoo guy is showingoff the vampires’ powers to a couple of random white guys. Hesomehow fucks the spell up, and the vampire is resurrected asthe leader of the spacemen from Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla. ThenChristine the Lady Ghost appears, blathering about how thevampire was her lover and now that he’s damned, they can’t betogether for eternity blah blah blah. The vampire attacks her,but stops when it notices the tattoo on her thigh. Wow, this movieis really astute. In Christian mythology, when you die and goto Heaven you get a new body, so the vampire could only haverecognized Christine by the tattoo on her leg. Sheer brilliance.The white guys plead for mercy for Christine and her vampire lover,and convince voodoo ninja to marry them. At some point after this happens, Agent Tom and Co. attempt tostop a drug transaction by Cole’s cartel, but the vampires are toomuch for them. The gorilla vampire thing has apparently stolen itspowers from Inframan, because it can shoot little bottle rocketmissiles from its hands. It blows Tom’s ass away and everyone dies.But that ain’t the end for ol’ Agent Tom. Dr. von Quack wants touse his body to create an android robot. Oops, the movie’s façadeof intelligence just went splat like the shorts of a man with apremature ejaculation problem. First of all, an android and a robotare completely different things. But if they use Tom’s body to buildit, it’d be a CYBORG! It gets even better. Dr. von Quack’s vitalsign monitors consist of a box with a couple of levers and two lights,one a green + symbol, and the other a red --. So there’s plus andminus and no in-between, huh? So you don’t really need to know ifthe patient’s heart is palpitating and needs medicine or a good zap?Just alive or dead? Let me give you some advice. If you’re in thehospital and you see this guy come into your room, jump out thefucking window. When all is said and done, they most certainly didNOT have the technology, but they done brought him back anyway. RoboWarrior Tom looks like he was glued together with whatever theyfound in Thomas Tang’s garage, and then they sprayed him silver.Because every robot ever has to be silver. But seriously, I don’tthink you understand how silly this thing looks. Even a screen shotdoesn’t do it justice. You have to see it for yourself. While all this is going on, the drug cartel is looking for amissing shipment of their drugs. They break into a church andinterrogate a priest, finding their missing drugs inside the cross.Yeah, we all knew the Father liked to candy up his nose now and again.What do you think all those murderous rages in the Old Testamentwere about? Anywhat, another anti-drug officer named Sophie triesto take on the hoodlums (yes, I said hoodlums) and gets capturedand groped for her troubles. She does try to escape at one pointin the battle, but the stunt double in the bad wig that looks nothinglike her hair who jumped out the window just didn’t fool them. When Dr. von Quack is informed that Sophie has been captured,the entire drug task force panics. God forbid she’ll tell them allthe information that she knows, but could we please know WHY THIS ISSUCH A BIG DEAL? She hasn’t been in the movie up until this point,so what the hell does she know that’s so goddamn important? So theycall in Ray (wow, this movie loves throwing new characters at us withno background). He requests the backup of General Andy, and thirtythousand dollars. Their agents attack the vamp crew and get smoked,but Robo Puss shows up and gives the vampires what-for. And thewhole damn time his chinstrap is crooked. And through the rest ofthe movie, too. It seems like a small thing considering how unbelievablycheesy the rest of the costume is, but for some reason it just bugsthe shit out of me. Ray and a couple of other guys try to sneak upon the action from behind and get ambushed, only to be saved by thelate arrival of Captain Andy. When Andy and his men arrive over thehorizon, all the men they mowed down jump up and run away! Apparentlythey all carry little syringes of reagent with them. Ray and Andyand co. go to an arm-wrestling tournament where Young and his men arehanging out, and Ray manages to capture one of them when the restescape. Quick shot of gratuitous water torture fu! Ray takes thecaptured guy out to Gooseberry Falls, a lovely natural attraction innorthern Minnesota, to torture Sophie’s location out of him. He’sinterrupted by the 97th new character, Wendy, Andy’s sister. Meanwhile, Robo Dink goes to bust up a drug factory and issurrounded by a cadre of hopping vampires. After failing to capturehim with the ol’ Godzilla vs. King Kong trap (luring him into a pitand blowing it up, or setting it on fire in this case) because hecan tunnel (!), the vampires just hop around a bunch and confusehim until one of the human baddies blows up an even sillier-lookingdummy with a rocket launcher. Dr. von Quack fixes him up again,of course. Unfortunately, he is not retrofitted with THUNDERBOLTFISTS!!!, but he damn well should have been. Ray and Andy and Wendy and all those other guys start trekkingto the big ol’ drug house, led by their captive, when they comeacross a village decimated by the drug cartel. But the villagehasn’t just been pillaged. Every person there has been CRUCIFIEDUPSIDE DOWN!!! This is the evilest fucking thing I have ever seen,and it rules! I’m going to have to start doing that to my victims.Oh, and Ray and Wendy go skinny dipping. But who cares!? PEOPLECRUCIFIED UPSIDE DOWN! Do you know how absolutely fuckin’ evilthat is!? Do you!? I can forgive silly for this. [Not-so-editorFerox's note: Yes, believe this man. Evil to the fucking core,plus some evil sauce sprinkled on top - then eaten with a newutensil called an EVIL FUCKING SPORK] Time isn’t very well connected in this movie. There’s a lotgoing on, but not much to pull it all together. It’s like a corpsethat was hit by a semi truck. There’s little bits of tendon stillsticking all the bits together, but it’s not the well-constructedthing it was when it was conceived. So this next scene could betaking place that night or a month from the PEOPLE CRUCIFIED UPSIDEDOWN!!! [FUCKIN' RIGHT!!!] Sorry, I’m done with that now. Anyway,while the voodoo ninja has some target practice with some blowupdolls, Christine and the ape vampire thing have some really strange-ass supernatural sex. Robo Twit intercedes, but has a flashbackto a past love and has mercy on the ghost and the vampire. Who beghim not to kill them. But they’re ALREADY DEAD! Oh, wait. Iforgot we’re watching THIS movie. Logic was abandoned before Ieven took the wrapping plastic off the DVD. To show their thanksfor Robo Feeb’s mercy, they attack him, and the vampire ape’s facechanges. He looks like an Aztec mummy now! Y’know, I’m not evengoing to bother going “…the hell?” anymore. It’s not worth it, believe me. Back in the jungle during a day four years after the eventsin the above paragraph, Ray and Wendy are captured and subjectedto water torture. They do love their water torture. The maid haspity on them and frees them, but with the ineffably bad timingonly a movie script can provide. The burliest Japanese man I haveever seen runs in and beats the shit out of Ray. He probablywould have killed him, too, if it weren’t for Andy and his menattacking the camp. Ray, Wendy, and Sophie are rescued and theyblow the factory to hell. Elsewhere, the voodoo ninja agrees to help Cole rebuild hisdrug empire when Robo Turd breaks in. Aztec mummy vamp turns backinto ape vamp and attacks him. Allow me to interject my theoryon why the face changed, then changed back. The monkey maskdisappears halfway through the shoot and they have to make due.The last two days, it returns slightly the worse for wear andsmelling like semen and chickens. One of the stagehandsmysteriously disappears the same day the mask is returned. Youdo the math. Robo Pud fights off the hopping vamps, who makelittle “woohoo” sounds when they’re defeated. Christine attacksthe voodoo ninja, but he poofs her away with some chicken bloodon the boobies. Robo Fuck-up chases the ape vampire halfwayacross the city, apparently forgetting about the rocket bootshe used against the hopping vampires, and eventually dispatchesit with the flamethrower that was hidden in his gun THE WHOLEMOVIE! WHY DIDN’T YOU USE IT TO BEGIN WITH!? Oh, who cares,it’s over. Be not deceived by my rantings against the logical goofs inthis movie. It’s one of those rare movies that treads the linebetween “this is so stupid it sucks” and “holy shit, this rules!”,and comes out firmly on the “holy shit, this rules” side. I’d goon, but it just needs to be seen to be believed. Imagine theunbridled silliness of Microwave Massacre, but entirely unintentional.
What's a BrainWave? |
| Fistula | Ferox | Ragnarok | | | Begin:
This isn't really fair, because I've seen this previously - but this time I can fuckus. | Begin:
Robo Crap!! | | | 10 minutes:
Crotchburn: much fucking worse than razorburn. | 10 minutes:
Lesson learned - when you punch people, cocaine flies out of them. | | | 20 minutes:
Dude, you fucked up that spell and - huh? Lady ghost? What? | 20 minutes:
[Hank Williams Jr.] Are ya ready for some goofy! | | | 30 minutes:
It took the movie approximately 1.3 minutes to kill a guy and make him a robot... ??? | 30 minutes:
Warning! Warning! Silliness factor is off the charts! Evacuate movie now! | | | 40 minutes:
A-HA, HA, HA, HA HA HA!! | 40 minutes:
Shut up, there's no way dripping water can be that bad. No worse than taking a shower in the shitty water pressure in the college dorms. | | | 50 minutes:
"Bee boopbop! Bah bee boo-boop!" That's right, Robochode, this movie does not compute. | 50 minutes:
Ring around the robot, director smokes too much pot, vampires, vampires, hop around!! | | | 60 minutes:
Motherfucking Satan on a stick. OK, so there are a bunch of them, and they're upside down crosses, not sticks. Plus that's not really Satan, it's a village of innocents. Thus, I reiterate: Satan. | 60 minutes:
So Japanese sex is hugging naked underwater. Still doesn't explain the shorts, though. | | | 70 minutes:
Gorilla-man-zombie-vampire-chode-guy-ape-creature is a pretty shitty fighter. :: OR :: This flick is musically fuckin' sound. | 70 minutes:
How many "Hail Marys"? A thousand, and I want you to hit yourself! | | | 80 minutes:
Wow, what a victory, eh guys? We can use this entire building as evidence in a court of - hey, wait, I changed my mind: let's blow the fucker up! | 80 minutes:
Hey, Robo Feeb is Japanese now! | | | End:
"What should we do, Robo-gorilla-man-zombie-vampire-chode-guy-ape-creature-worthless-Jesus?" "BEAT EACH OTHER - THEN SUDDENLY DECIDE TO USE YOUR FUCKING FLAMETHROWER THAT YOU'VE HAD ALL ALONG BUT WERE TOO MUCH OF A FEMME TO USE!!!" | End:
I'm Charles Kuralt, and we'll leave you with this shot of a stupid worthless robot. |
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Fedeler: doesn't count towards anything, plus he hasn't seen it.
And he's got genital herpes. Probably. I don't know. But he's
a buttplug regardless. Even though he's still a good friend of
ours. Buttplug.
Brother Fistula: Hasn't seen this yet,
though we'll SURE AS FUCK force 'im to check it out in the
next week or so. xxx
Brother Ferox: SATAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!! Plus anticrucifixions. 5
Brother Ragnarok:Well, as I've said before, it needs to be seen to believed.
I love it, and you will too. I give it a 5 for absolute rockingness,
and for Cthulhu's sake, PEOPLE CRUCIFIED UPSIDE FUCKING DOWN!!!
Average: 5
Watch it or we'll crucify you UPSIDE DOWN!!!!!!
