| ||||||||||||||||||||||
|
| |||||||||||||||||||||
You know captain, when swarmed by our legions of rabid fans I’m usually too busy destroying major cities to pay real close attention to what everybody’s saying. However, a small crippled child pulled on my pant leg one day and said, “Fistula, I love you site. It saved my life after my parents were torn apart and eaten by a fat guy who had his sandwich stolen by a baboon at the zoo on my birthday. There’s just one thing (he began to cry at this point), why don’t you have any movies that start with “O” reviewed? My life feels so incomplete and empty without one. Well, how could I say no to that. So, in the name of humanity, we went out Thanksgiving night and rented One Dark Night, one of them psychic ghost movies. At first there’s a woman tossing and turning in bed. Forget that part, though; the movie is going to be cool for just a minute. We are taken to a fleet of coroner’s vans, who break into an apartment with a stack of dead bodies in the closet, very cool. They start removing the corpses, but when one of their arms hits the floor lightning shoots out. Thor? It turns out that the dead lightning guy is the father of the lady from the beginning (prepositional phrase city). At his funeral, she’s hearing chants from an unearthly rhelm. She’s in trouble, what hero will save her? BOFF! WHAMMO! SOCKO! Holy washed-up superheroes Batman, its Adam West to the rescue! With all the energy and superhero flare of Abe Vigoda, he jumps in and takes her out of the room. When they get home, there’s an occult reporter waiting for them. He wants to talk to her about her dad, who was a “psychic vampire” and practitioner of telekinesis on the side of killing people full time. Oh, did I mention the subplot? Holy 40 year old college students Batman, there’s designer imposter version of the pink ladies from Grease who are initiating a girl they don’t like by making her stay overnight in the local mausoleum (at some point the insult “nerdelbrain was thrown out). In typical girl fashion, they plan to frighten her using sheets and masks. Meanwhile, according to the occult guy, Karl Raymar, the lightning guy from the apartment, believed he could extract kinetic energy from the dead and use it after his own death. He’s just set up shop in the mausoleum and we’re on a collision course to wackiness! This brings us to the especially boring part of the movie actually. For the next half hour, the girl wanders around the mausoleum while the other two girls try to scare her, and her boyfriend, who in a pointless cul-de-sac dated the evil bitch from the sorority and left her for the inductee, tries to figure out what the hell is going on. Work in the lady from the beginning listening to recordings of occult guy and Raymar’s corpse preparing to exercise the demons and you’ve got one hell of a bland gumbo cooking. The end of the movie turns out to be pretty decent. The coffin pops open and out pops the corpse of drug guru Timothy Leary (hey, it could have been worse. It might have been Denis Leary…Aaaaahhh!) with lightning in his eyes. Slowly the corpses begin to reanimate and chase after our pointless cast. The dead people effects aren’t bad but the ending could be seen by Stevie Wonder from a mile away. The lady from the beginning rushes in and holds her compact to her dead fathers eyes, causing his face to melt and all the corpses to cease living, I guess. In retrospect, it would have been just as good a movie if I had left after the body pile scene, did all my laundry and cleaned my room, and come back for the ending. However, if you’re a fan of college students old enough to be your mom and maggot-filled zombies the power of Christ may compel you to check it out. I, however, thought it sucked. The scariest part actually came after the credits were done, when I wasn’t paying attention and the loud beep at the end scared the hell out of me. This is the last request I take from crippled little kids, who now that I think about it probably have a vendetta against the world and wanted me to suffer as he had. If I ever come across that kid again I’ll beat him with his crutch and break both his legs in front of a TV set playing Buried Alive on a loop. Now that’s suffering you little bastard.
Brother Fistula: Watch a good movie instead. 2 Brother Ferox: Poop.
Brother Ragnarok: Sucks sucks sucks
sucks sucks sucks BORING sucks sucks sucks hey, Batman! sucks sucks cool ending. 2
