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…The hell? Isn’t that a real movie? Well, be not deceived, this is a real movie, and here’s how it ended up on the review sheet. I’m taking a class that’s all about discovering oneself as a learner and just why it’s important to get a liberal arts education (of course it’s required). We were assigned to get together and watch this movie as a class on a Monday evening at 8:00. Whoa, hold it right there. Some of us have important and binding social engagements Mondays at 8:00 (wrestling). Subsequently, I missed that one, but the teacher borrowed me the tape to watch on my own. I knew it was going to suck, so I thought to myself, why not make those other guys who seem to share this site suffer with me? I also thought this would be a good opportunity to become a little more cultured and refined. Huge fucking mistake. Our story begins at a prestigious college where Dr. Frank Bryant (Michael Caine) walks into his office. He roots around and finds a bottle of liquor (it’s in England). He then teaches his class, and takes a step towards appealing when he ignores a stupid fucking hippie’s contrived bullshit responses. Frank is obviously drunk (it’s in England), and he tells the class to go have sex. Later, at the Bryant household, Frank argues with his wife, and points out that he is about to begin tutoring a new student. Rita knocks at Frank’s office door and attempts to open it, but is unable. This recurring incompetence is this movie’s attempt at a running joke. Eventually she gets inside, where she talks with Frank. They smoke, drink whiskey (it’s in England). She tells him she’s a hairdresser, and that her husband is trying to force her into having a baby, which she is not ready for. Rita speaks in a God awful shrew accent, and is an idiot on top of that, so her presence makes any scene unbearable. After some arguing, Frank gives her a book by Foster and kicks her out of his office. Later, at someone’s house, Frank enters to a house chock full of people. One of them is Frank’s wife or girlfriend, and she runs away with another of the guests. For the next chunk of eternity, it’s mostly Rita writing bad essays, Frank and her arguing, Rita slightly improving on the essay, and Rita attempting to pry into Frank’s personal life. Rita goes home to her oddball husband Danny, who’s demolishing a wall in their home (home improvement?). They argue about having a baby, and later, Rita goes upstairs to sneak pills to prevent pregnancy. Later, Denny finds the pills, and in turn burns Rita’s books to learn her a lesson. Throughout all of this crap, Rita is gaining a false sense of sophistication and belonging (as metaphorically shown through her trying on sophisticated outfits. I was told this in class discussion). A few hours later, Frank invites Rita to a party. When she shows up, she peers into a window and gathers from the upscale party guests that she doesn’t belong there. She walks away and goes to a pub where her uneducated family are hanging around. Some metaphorical horse flop begins to fly around, and I’m running for cover. The rest of the movie consists of Rita thinking she’s smart until her seemingly happy friend attempts suicide, Frank drinking himself under the table (he’s English), and the Brotherhood groaning and writhing in agony. The Brotherhood learned a valuable lesson that evening: Don’t ever try to culture yourself. Be proud of your embraced heritage (slashers, demons, and monsters). Shame on you England, Lemmy would be ashamed.
What's a BrainWave?
Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok Begin.
A real movie? Whose fucking idea was this?
Fuck. This will hurt. Educate MY ASS!
Oh, Cthulhu... this smells like a Lifetime movie to me.
10 Min.
I'd say you've got your work cut out for you if she'd be be educated.
Hey, what the fuck is this? Go away, Rita!
Yeah, pass me a fookin' gun.
20 Min.
This guy teaches more by the bottle than by the book.
Yeah, and then this movie fucked off. No, I lied. Damn.
This movie is subjective and highly sentimental. Yeah, crap.
30 Min.
Foster, Australian for boring.
I'd like to talk about: my contract. I'm Michael Caine. This movie sucks. Pay me more.
I missed the half-hour mark, my eyes glazed over at ten.
40 Min.
I'm not saying anything now, I've got to spread my creatvity for a lot of extra brainwaves.
Fuck off, Rita. Shut the fuck up.
I prefered Michael Caine's more intellectual work... like Jaws: The Revenge.
50 Min.
I think that booze was the movie's main funder. Oh wait. It's a European movie.
Ex Necrinum del Hexus... CAVUS, FLAGRARE NEX...
A fart would make this movie so much better...
60 Min.
Man, they should bring in Lemmy and Anders, and William Regal, and just kick these peoples' ass and start all over. HELP!
I call to thee, great Satan! Devour this woman's soul!
I think that... huh? This is the HALF-WAY point?? AAURGH!
70 Min.
I don't care anymore. I'm unhooking my brain.
Motherfucking at a headache drag a bitch in orange fucking Hoosiers. FUCK!!
I think I'll go microwave my head now.
80 Min.
[.....] PLEASE INPUT BRAINWAVE
May I be frank? No, actually not, becuase if I was Frank, I'd kill her and this would end now.
I'll bet a lot of people involved in this movie went down toking.
90 Min.
OK, I'm hooked up again. Good idea, Trish. Friend is unhappy.
Fuck.
Yay! A dead body! Now we're back on track!
100 Min.
So the message is, go to college, you'll end up lonely and miserable.
I call for DISORDER! DISORDER! DISORDER!
Boo! She's still alive! Body count nil. Stupid movie.
End.
OK, back to guys in rubber monster suits and italian gore films. Now more goddamn fuck!
Must... not lose... consciousness... need to... go... on radio... end... go...... away. Unh.
That movie was a moving experience the same way passing a kidney stone the size of Mount Rushmore is!
Brother Fistula: I learned two things in college: I hate everybody I’ve ever met, and Educating Rita sucks. Absolute torture. If your girlfriend tries to make you watch it, use this review as leverage to make her pay dearly later. 0.5 Brother Ferox: Fuck this movie. Fuck critics who thought that this was a substanceful romp through real concepts. It wasn't. Fuck it in the fucking face. .5
