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Director(s):  Robert Fuest (Faust?  Faustus? 
                       Mephistopheles?  THE DEVIL!  AAAAGH!)
Producer(s):  James Cullen
Writer(s):    James Ashton [before there were any other James Ashtonses]
Editor(s):    Apparently Not Edited, unless my cat did it




Actor Name:
Character Name:
Description


Ernest Borgfifteen [I mean... nine]
Jonathon Corbis
He's THE DIVIL!!  Hmmm...Borgnine.  Borg.
Nine.  Borgfifteen minus nine is six, plus
one is seven...Borg!  Seven of Nine!  Holy crap!
Ernest Borgnine and Jerri Ryan are
the same person!!!  Guffaw!!


Tom Skerritt
Tom Preston
Brother of Shatner.  Also, this guy is the source
of Iommi's power [in real life, you silly
bastards, not this movie]


Good Ol' Billy Shatner
Mark Preston
He be fightin' The Divil.  GRAH!!


John Travolta
Danny
Was not in this fucking movie, because he
was so absotruely insignifigant.
Die, Travolta.  Die.


Anton LaVey
High Priest
Yeah, pretty much.










    Here’s the reincarnation of a movie we watches a long time ago.  He
reviewed it back when the site was in its infancy (wealth and good fortune
to anyone who saw it) but never got the proper facelift.  Straight from
the annals, here’s The Devil’s Rain.  It’s storming something fierce
outside when we are introduced to Mrs. Preston and her servant.  The
door opens and…could it be?  Yes, it’s William Shatner!  Seriously.  He’s
been out in the storm looking for his father.  Speak of the Devil (in a
remarkable coincidence, that’s what I’m listening to right now.  Yes,
the funny old guy on MTV used to be a musician, you know), in walks Dad,
but something’s wrong with his face.  It seems to have melted and he
looks like Cher in a heat wave.  Near death, he says that Corbus wants
the book and closes his eyes forever (another Ozzy reference, though
admittedly the low point of his career).  Shatner takes off for a spell,
but upon returning home he finds the place ransacked.  Must…remove...
clutter…from floor.  The old man has been slashed up and Mrs. Preston has
been abducted.  Armed with the book and an amulet Shatner takes off to
a mining town to finish some family business.  

    He arrives in the old west and soon confronts his nemesis Corbus.
Do my eyes deceive me?  It’s Ernest Borgnine.  McHale!  Borgnine is the
head of the local Satan church and he wants the book.  Shatner wants his
family back, so he accepts Borgnine’s challenge to enter the Satan church
in a battle of faiths.  The atmosphere inside the church is the strongest
point of the movie.  Anton Szandor Lavey, founder of the Church of Satan
and the author of the Satanic Bible, was the film’s technical advisor and
it really shows.  Shatner sits in a pew and tries not to lose his religion
as Borgnine informs the masses that if they haven’t given their money
they haven’t truly give their hearts to Satan. Borgnine speaks of a man
named Martin Fife.  The black-eyed cultists, including Mrs. Preston, are
taken with the unholy spirit and pursue an armed Shatner.  After having
his amulet turned into a snake, the cultists take him down.  Meanwhile,
at a hospital, Shatner’s brother, Tom Skerrit (awesome) watches his wife
showing off her ESP visions of a church and feels as though she’s being
drawn there.  Skerrit learns of what’s become of his family.  As he makes
his way out to the desert town Shatner is being sacrificed and tortured.
Skerrit and his wife arrive too late, as the church has been vacated and
there are no more brownies and punch in Hell’s fellowship hall.  Outside,
they here an explosion and they spring from the church to see what’s wrong.
It seems their car has been blown up.  

    You may think to yourself, “this all seems pretty cool but just what
the hell is going on?”  Seems like a good time for a flashback:  All the
people in the movie were Satan worshippers in colonial times.  Julie
(Skerrit’s wife) was Shatner’s wife then, and she seriously betrayed the
cult and stole their book.  You may want to check it out; it makes the
movie a lot clearer.  The rest of the movie is sort of a blur of Satan
church scenes.  Borgnine turns into a goat monster and he has a crystal
ball filled with the souls of those he’s shown the dark light (pretty
cool, huh?  Maybe I should write the pamphlet for the Satan Churches’
booth at career day).  In, or rather towards the end, the ball is tipped
over and broken, which sets off a reaction and brings the Devil’s Rain.
This causes everybody to melt into a creamy substance that I’d imagine
being what you’d puke up if you ate an extreme amount of ice cream, cream
of celery soup, and green food coloring.  Yeah, it sounds cool and it is 
for a few minutes, but the melting scene goes on for a lot longer than
it ought to.  All in all, it’s hard to call The Devil’s Rain good or
bad, it’s pretty much both.  The atmosphere is superb and how can you
go wrong with such a sparkling cast of stars-to-be (other notables
include Keenan Wynn of The Glove and Parts: The Clonus Horror and a
priceless cameo from a pre-Kotter John Travolta ).   On the other hoof,
it’s extremely boring from time to time.  It’s worth seeing, I think,
because on Cliff’s Notes (an atypically cheeseless performance by
Shatner, the church set, and the cast) it’s something special.  For
maximum enjoyment, rent it and watch it by yourself.  Better yet, TNT
plays it at 4:00 frequently, save yourself $2.00.  Just keep a magazine
or a loved one nearby for the boring parts.





What's a BrainWave?









NOOOOO!!!!



Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok














Brother Fistula:  This guy said something we think. 
It'll be here, we think.  Damn.  We think?  Oh yeah.

    xxx


Brother Ferox:  It's been too long since we watched this
for me to say much about it, except that I definitely remember liking
it even though the other two weren't such big fans.  I'll get back to
it [simply because I want to watch it again anyway] and then update.
But, just from what I remember, I'll give it a 3.5 for now.

    


Pornographer Ragnarok:  This movie has Night of the Demon
syndrome.  I feel badly about comparing a movie with Shatner and Borgnine
in it to that pile of putrid dung, but it's true.  It sounds cool in concept,
and when you think about it you think, "Yeah, it should have been pretty
cool.  Maybe it was cool."  Then you see it again and realize that it
wasn't cool, it was boring and poorly executed.  Devil's Rain is better
kept in the dark bowers of the mind as a groovy memory than as an actual
movie.  Oh, and will someone please kill John Travolta?  If you don't,
I'm going to.  2.

    

Average:  2.33           


    Recommended by:  Brother Ferox.

McHAAAAALE!!