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Director(s): Jay Woelfel Producer(s): No Credit Writer(s): Tim Sullivan the Third Editor(s): No Credit
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Gregory Lee Kenyon | James/Tyranus | Weak motherfucker. Wuss |
Venesa Talor | Gina | I'm sure they were all supposed |
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Demonicus is the most recent movie we’ve reviewed, it’s actually a 2001. It’s also an asset to anyone who’s arguing for the stoppage of horror movie production, this movie blows hardcore. Demonicus looks and feels like a student film project and is another film which tries to capitalize on the Blair Witch craze, but fails miserably (like most Blair Witch rip-offs). While it’s not actually filmed in documentary format, it copies the camera techniques and jerky close-ups to the letter. We find ourselves in the Italian Alps, where a group of young couples are engaging in some sort of race across the world, and are supposed to meet there to reunite. The first ones there are a particularly daft- looking junior-varsity standout named James and his girlfriend. They find a cave, and James moves in to investigate. He finds a decaying corpse sitting in a chair. The deceased is wearing a helmet (a total rip-off of Evil Ash’s helmet in Army of Darkness. It’s probably meant to be an homage but it‘s just lame), and like any idiot would, James removes it and puts it on. As you’ve probably deduced, he gets possessed by the spirit of a demon gladiator-type and kills his girlfriend. You can tell at this point that you’re really in for a long movie. Another couple comes by, and the guy tries talking to James. He never suspects that his pork loaf of a companion is no longer James, but Tyranus; demon gladiator from hell! Anyway, James cuts the guy’s arm and leg off, and then his head. He takes the extremities back to the cave, where he makes soup (mmm mmm DEAD!) and chants in attempt to bring the dead guy out of his eternal slumber. He twitches a little but doesn’t wake up. Oh man, we’re not even a half hour in and I’m already calling for the hook. The remaining group of happy campers arrives, where they are dumbfounded to find the dead girl’s accessories lying around with nobody to accessorize. James reappears wearing THE GLOOOOVE (or at least an incredible simulation). Thanks for The Glove, Fedeler. He punches the guy from the second couple with it and cuts off his arm. So if you’re keeping score at home, James is possessed, he’s killed one guy, one girl, kidnapped another girl, and the boyfriend of the abducted but living girl is wandering around the woods talking about what he’s going to do to the guy who took his girlfriend... if you’re watching the movie it’s much easier to keep the characters straight, but that’s no reason to actually see the movie. Anyway, to complicate matters, a random dork appears. Why it’s Mo Rocca of Comedy Central’s Daily Show. The dork and the puss quarrel over the missing girlfriend (Gina if I’m not mistaken) and eventually fight. Meanwhile James is making soup again while Gina watches and…it’s just a big mess. A girl who was gutted but is still alive finds the dork and the puss camping and she brings a book of Roman mythology. She tells the back story of Demonicus, an ancient Roman warlord, and apparently this is who James is attempting to reanimate. A guy (not the puss, not the dork, the other guy who may or may not be mentioned previously in this review) eventually finds James and they fight, with James winning while using a net (why not just throw a danish at him?) He takes his limbs and makes some more resurrection stew. The gutted girl (Gina) is still alive somehow. Apparently she will not do as a sacrifice because she’s not a virgin. Way to play by the rules, movie. Puss finds the cave and enters to see his girlfriend dead and slashed. As James makes soup, the dork sneaks into the scene. It’s too late, however, because Demonicus has awoken. In a big fight scene, Demonicus ends up getting killed and melted (all of that soup crap for about one minute of him being alive…eat me movie!) and the dork gets killed by James. The other girl, Maria, takes James’ helmet off, which causes a painting of a lion on the cave wall to roar. She runs outside with the helmet, and in a moment of pure inborn instinctive idiocy, PUTS THE HELMET ON! Yes, there are people in the bottom percentiles. She comes to, however, and removes it. The end. Wow, so this is what they’re teaching college students these days. James, our villain, is completely and utterly devoid of any intimidating or menacing qualities, and is actually somewhat humorous in the fact that he’s supposed to be intimidating. This movie is just pathetic, and I feel even more ripped off by the fact that it cost about $3.00 because it was a new release. For the love of God don’t waste your money by renting or buying this steamer, buying a box of condoms if you have Erectile Dysfunction is a more sound investment.
What's a BrainWave?
Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok Begin.
I've got a feeling this movie's going to get a full moon from me.
Another Full Moon shitfest. Thanks a million, Charles Band.
10 Min.
Oh, man. We're doomed.
Hey, you stole that hat from Evil Ash!
20 Min.
The Blair Suck Project.
There's nothin' but a bad movie out here honey, now pull my pants back down.
30 Min.
This puss is the least menacing villain since Jack Frost.
Hey, wait, this is Maleorvs, isn't it?
40 Min.
I've got a feeling this movie ripped off the Beatles as well.
It's been morning for the last three days!
50 Min.
You can't teach an old vengeance new blood.
Don't be afraid of the crappy green movie.
60 Min.
Captain Puss to the rescue.
This is what happens when you hire the Trekkie from the local comic shop as your hero.
End.
This steaming load of a movie reaches a level of cinematic incompetence few have. Where's MST3K when we need it?
Well, at least I knew if I'm ever attacked by a gladiator that they're feeble wussies and I can just push him down and take his milk money.
Brother Fistula: I don't mind telling you, I have no idea what's wrong with the kids today. The kids today with their big-assed pants and their cellular phones and hula-hoops and fax machines...ahhh I don't get it. First they're buying Limp Horzeshit records, then they're piercing and tatooing God knows what, before you know it, they're making some awful killer gladiator movie. Demonicus fails utterly and miserably in every aspect. To put it another way, if some psycho censorship people came to my door and used Demonicus as their argument to ban horror movies forever, I'd sign their petition faster than Joe Don Baker signs a check to enroll in the sour cream-of-the-month club. It sucked. 1 Brother Ferox: Hey, fucker! I happen to be one of those kids with large-arsed pants... but you won't see me enjoying any of the other mentioned crap. I aspire to be a director someday, and I'll not be one bit afraid to say that any piece of shit that I ever turn out will still be fifty thousand times the movie that Demonicus is. I wish I could say that we're proud of our movie-making youth. Unfortunately, like England, there is no future for us. 1.
