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Okay, I’ve already written the damn thing once, but for some reason it disappeared off the website, damn Geocities server, so I’m writing it again. Forgive me if I’m a bit short and crankier than usual, because as much fun as this is, it takes a lot of work to do one of these reviews and I don’t need to be doing them all twice. So choke it down and quit your bitch. Let’s go. There’s talking about Ator over a pretty scene. There’s some cavemen fighting. Back at stately Wayne Manor (they’re GRAPHIC NOVELS, JOEL!), boring old guy (Acronus) and his daughter (Mila) talk about the geometric nucleus. Must not fall into wrong hands, all powerful, world destroyed, blah blah. Acronus sends Mila to find Ator to protect it. We’re treated to a fifteen-minute footage montage from Ator the Fighting Eagle. Now we go to real-time with Ator working out at Thong’s place. And back to Wayne Manor (GRAPHIC NOVELS!), where mean John Saxon-looking guy has taken over. Out in the woods, Mila gets attacked by some thugs, and shot with an arrow. She limps away and makes it to Ator’s place where he and Thong heal her. Then they test her to make sure she’s boring old guys’ daughter. She proves herself McGuyver style and off we go. Willie Nelson magic guy (Sandor) sends a fog after them, they get lost in a cave and have to fight some invisible monsters, and then the titular cave dwellers catch Mila. Ator frees her by appearing in a flash of fire and scaring them all away. Thong finds them a way out of the cave and Sandor’s mist. After some more pointless dialogue between Acronus and John Saxoney villain guy, we return to the heroic trio. They are awoken after camping the night away by some travelers telling them of their village’s plight. Ator runs to the village, where they’re picking the month’s sacrifices for delivery to the snake god. Ator manages to stop this, but the village’s traitorous leader captures him and his friends. The worshippers of the snake god show up and take them away. During the pillaging and looting, I’d like to point out that one of the prehistoric cavemen is wearing SUNGLASSES AND A BABY BLUE DRESS SHIRT! Yep. That’s what they wore in the Stone Age. They shopped at the fuckin’ GAP. The snake god’s priest dumps them into a pit, and Ator fights off the giant muppet to save Mila. They escape to plan their attack to retake the castle. Mila and Thong go in secret-passage style, and Ator flies in on a HANGGLIDER! And he attacks the castle with BOMBS! He battles his way in from the roof as Thong and Mila continue the ground battle. John Saxon guy is bullying Acronus to death when Ator pops in to save the day. He vanquishes Saxon villain and leaves him swordless. Acronus warns him not to kill Saxon villain because he’d sink to the level of the villain. And Saxon villain tries to stab Ator in the back. Thong launches a sword into Saxon’s spine, and that’s the end of that. Ator turns down a life with Mila to fight evil with Thong. He takes the nucleus, destroys it, and goes on his way. That’s Blade Master in a nutshell. I love sword and sandal movies, and I’m about the brevity, but I just didn’t feel like writing the entire two and a half page treatment again. I’ll do better next time, I promise.
What's a BrainWave?
Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok Begin.
Tis the Keeffe that binds us. Anyone else feel like frolfing?
Ator, the flying anus!
Media releasing? AAAAGH!!
10 Min.
That exercise works, you're right. I can feel it here.
That's enough for now, Dong.
That flashback puts Charles B. Pierce to shame!
20 Min.
So, why is she limping?
Because she has an arrow in her chest.
Oh, that makes perfect sense..... huh?
30 Min.
So far the fog machine is the movie's biggest talent.
Hey, that guy just ignited crack, which led them to see mystic things. BOO!
Sander's power is to summon up old Doctor Who titles.
40 Min.
Huzzah!
And I think you know how important my moustache is!
Mimes! Agh!
50 Min.
You know, this movie really isn't that good. No more goddamn fuck!
Yes... there I lived and there I got my first perm.
Ator looks like the guy from Winger.
60 Min.
Hey, that's the director! No!
The eighties?!? NOO!!
Sunglasses? NOOO!!!
70 Min.
Although this is one of the later sacrifices, it's not the final sacrifice. Watch out for snakes, Ator!
Tonight on the Discovery Channel: Crazy fucking snakes!
He built his hairdo on rock and roll.
80 Min.
OK, Ator's flying a shapeshifting handglider and throwing exploding tomales. I'm afraid that's over the line.
Ator wears a stern look. He will punish those bitches DFA-style.
What next, a tank made of coconuts?
End.
No! Stop! OK, maybe it's not so bad. May the Keeffe be with you!
And in the end, blue stuff destroyed them all. Stupid fucking social commentary.
Wait, they ended up destroying it anyway!? They could have done that five minutes in and spared us this lame movie! AURGH!
Brother Fistula: [Comments will return soon] Brother Ferox: Hmm. Well, I suppose that I should say stuff about this movie again. How about: "it sucks"? 2 just because I'm Captain Generous today.
Recommended by: Brother Ragnarok Come hangglide with us in the land of Ator.
