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I distinctly remember saying to several people that this summer was it. We’d have a good hundred reviews under our belts and double our fan base. Well, I’m sure we did something to our readership involving the number 2, but I think it was division. One damn review. Pathetic. I’m sure it doesn’t come as a big surprise, though. We have a tendency to take unannounced hiatuses without really meaning to. It’s not easy getting together over conflicting full-time work schedules, funerals, and all the other fun stuff that happened this summer to do that update thing. I’m thinking we’re going to have to do something about this format. On that note, hands up everyone who thinks picking up a movie in the $2 bin at the pawn shop based on the silly cartoon monster on the cover is a good idea? None of you? Congratulations, you’re smarter than us. Pavlovian conditioning means nothing in this house. Which is where Bio-Hazard comes in. My teeth started grinding about five seconds in when the name Fred Olen Ray slimed its way across the screen. To the tune of a guy in a radiation suit doing something with a power cable out in the desert, two very un-military looking guys roll in late to a secret government lab. Here we have the first of many “no, you’re WRONG” moments in the movie. Why the hell would you have a power cable that apparently emits copious amounts of radiation laying bare in the desert where a) someone could stumble across it and die and/or b) exposure to the elements would corrode it very quickly and necessitate replacement every couple days if one was lucky? Back to the lab where Hodge and Carter have just pulled in. Some official types are conducting what appears to be the experiment that Bill Murray is conducting with Jennifer Runyon at the beginning of Ghostbusters. There’s some exposition about a woman named Lisa being given an experimental healing drug after a car crash, and now they’re using her drug-enhanced mental abilities to draw things to their lab from other dimensions. The main problem with this is that the trans-dimensional bleach-blonde tractor beam is COMPLETELY FUCKING DIRECTIONLESS!!! They can’t aim the damn thing! It just fires off, grabs some random thing from an alternate universe, and brings it home to daddy. I’m not even going to start on all the problems this could start with superior intelligences who notice we’ve been nicking their robes and cats and waffles and things while they were in the bath. What’s even more ridiculous is that Dr. Williams, the dumbass heading (and apparently making up the entire staff of) the project, is shocked that the government would want to keep tabs on this thing. As if the (presumably) miles of exposed radioactive cable weren’t enough of a liability. Due to the only intercom in the station being mounted on the wall in the hallway beside the bathroom, Dr. Williams can’t hear radiation suit guy yelling not to turn on the machine yet. The switch is thrown, the repairman gets cooked, and they promptly forget the horrible accident and go to look at some of the random and unidentifiable alien crap they’ve sucked into our dimension so far. One is a little statue, the other a large metal container of some kind. Lisa warns them of something giving off a vague aura of evil in the box, but one of the generals in attendance ignores her and takes the box away with him. Hodge and Carter take off in their truck with the box and Cliff, the lone security guard for the top-secret base, and the general drives off in his…uh…bright red army jeep. Right. The “hey, wait a minute, how the…?” meter is through the roof at this point. I try not to worry about it, it’ll only make the movie go slower. Just let them do their thing and we’ll get through this. Anyway, the bumpy road wakes up the monster in the…huh? What do you mean you didn’t know there was a monster in there? Oh, right. I suppose it was the beautifully nuanced AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHH! EAT ME, MOVIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT sorry. I didn’t mean to lose my composure like that. Just give me a minute to wipe the eyeball juice off the monitor and we’ll get back to the movie. Okay, I’ve had a breather and I’m ready to go. I’m feelin’ good. I think I can make it this time. So anyway, the monster rips Cliff’s face off and runs away. The remaining, well, characters, I guess. I hesitate to call lumps of goose dung characters, but it’s what we have to make do with. Huh? Right, right…the movie. They all go back to the lab to call for help. For some reason Williams is really mad and insists that the monster killed Cliff with a laser. Except for the fact that he was slashed to pieces and bled to death or died from shock. Because lasers wouldn’t cauterize the fucking wound or anything DOCTOR…deep breaths. Lisa senses that the monster is afraid, and Carter is sent do seek and destroy the monster. He goes home with Lisa so she can help him track the thing down. She makes him some strange looking food, and they start to fool around, but a phone call provides our coitus interruptus. Which I for one was thankful for. I really don’t need to see these two copulating, although they’re still not quite as repulsive as the sheriff and his deputy in Night Beast. But that’s a story for another review. The phone call is Hodge. He found a strange thing in the box that seems to be growing, so they rush right over to stick their stupid noses into it so they can be bitten off. Oh, and the monster kills a Random Couple. Back at Hodge’s house, Carter decides the device isn’t growing, it’s opening, so he decides to hammer it back together. Here’s a question. If you were sitting with something that may or may not be an alien device of mass destruction and it was showing signs of activity, would you whack it with a claw hammer to make it stop? Didn’t think so. But obviously I’m not that smart because THE MOVIE IS STILL IN THE VCR! Well, the lid falls of and something reminiscent of GAR’s baby stage in Star Crystal pops out and kills Hodge. Carter smacks it to death with his hammer. About that time, the ol’ monster decided to attack some bums. Then some very unwelcome comic relief in the form of an arguing old couple in a pickup run the thing over. Seeing that they have just run over what is obviously a small child wrapped in a garbage bag, they take the body and plan to sell it. The old drunk man calls the sheriff to some see what he killed, and when the sheriff gets there the thing eats the old man. Back in town, Decker (one of the guys from the government at the beginning) admonishes Carter for not catching the creature and informs him that Reiger, Carter’s old enemy is being let in on the job. Carter somehow finds out about the old guy and gets to his house in time for the cop to tell him about the monster killing the old guy. While Carter and Lisa run off in search of the monster, it kills a nice old bum enjoying an old E.T. poster, the only sympathetic character in the movie. Then the bastard alien rips the poster in half. That poster was the only thing that poor old man had to give him happiness in life and the little fucker just kills him and destroys it. I hate aliens. I’m tired, this movie sucks, and I want to wrap this up, so here we go in rapid fire. Ready? Deep breath. Carter and Lisa track the monster to a warehouse where Reiger and his team are waiting. They go in, Reiger gets attacked by a toy face hugger, and everyone dies except for Carter. He kills the creature, but Lisa removes her mask to show that she’s actually an even meaner looking creature from a race that was testing the little monster that wasted all this screen time as a soldier. Cue the song Rockabilly Rumble by Johnny Legend. The end. I’d just like to say that I hate this movie. I can forgive a goof in logic here and there. I can accept radiation creating giant bugs, because that’s cool. But is it really necessary to have ridiculous, improbable crap in every damn scene? The only saving grace is that there are some pretty funny outtakes during the closing credits.
What's a BrainWave?
Fistula
Ferox Not applicable in this area code.
Ragnarok 
Brother Fistula: I wasn't paying much attention to this one, but what I did look up to see sucked. It's kinda like being under anaesthetic at the dentist and being sexually abused while you're asleep. 1 Brother Ferox: Mostly didn't watch this one. Brother Ragnarok: To the best of my knowledge, I've never seen a Fred Olen Ray movie until this point. After squirming through this pile of diseased goat placenta, I don't really feel too badly about the lack of F.O.R. movies in my life. In fact, I think I'll just avoid them from now on. 1
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