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Director(s):  Claudio FragassoProducer(s):  Joe D'AmatoWriter(s):    Joe D'Amato as Sarah Asproon [Ass             Prune?] and Claudio Fragasso as Drago FloydEditor(s):    Nobody
Actor Name:
Character Name:
Description
David Brandon
Father George
Homeless drunk ex-preacher who's
the only man who knows how to
stop Devil Woman.
Gene LeBrock
Father Peter
The hero.  Really bad at buying
houses, we must say.
Barbara Bingham
Annie
Not a fucking orphan.
Michael Stephenson
Martin
Doesn't think he's a vampire.
Theresa Walker
Carole
Beers.  She's a kid.  Girl, in fact.
Stephen Brown
Reverend Jonathon
God's telekinetic transmitter tower
    Merry Christmas, lovers of the Devil!  I’ll bet youhaven’t even crapped out your turkey, and you’re alreadyputting up those pretty lights, huh?  In honor of our deepand never-ending love for the opiate of the masses, theBrotherhood and the Tomb of Anubis have deemed December,false birth-month of the Savior of Billy Graham’s bankaccount, to be Satan Month.  The month-long dual-sitepainfest entitled God Damn It (I still can’t think aboutthat title without falling off my throne of skulls laughing,a stroke of genius on Anubis’ part, huh huh, I said stroke)with be filled with all sorts of Satan-O-Riffic goodies,and end with a big bang co-review of something big andscary and evil!    Our first contribution is something for which I laythe blame firmly at Malorie’s doorstep.  She grabbed thisone for a movie night one time, but we never got aroundto watching it.  Turns out we should have kept it thatway.  Throw The Amityville Horror, Hellraiser, The Extorcist,the zombie makeup from Evil Dead, and the soundtrack toHalloween in a blender, add a healthy dose of shit fromthe asses of lepers, and this is what you get.    Father George enters a prison to deliver the last ritesto a serial killer.  She killed  children and stole theirsouls so she could take them to Hell for her master.  Funny,that sounds remarkably like what I did last spring when Iwent to Adventure Land with Yog-Sothoth and Shub-Niggurath.The woman passes a Devil Book from the discount aisle atK-Mart to Father George and tells him it will help himunderstand.  As she’s electrocuted, he sees children standingall around her.  I don’t actually think him seeing thechildren had anything to do with the evil woman so recentlydeparted, though.  I think that most Catholic priestsregularly envision large groups of children surrounding them.    Meanwhile, in Amityville, a family is moving into anew house.  You’d think every character in a horror moviewould immediately sue their real-estate agent after theevents in the movies, wouldn’t you?  You’d think it wouldn’tbe too difficult to find out if a house had a history ofdevil worship and child sacrifice, would you?  As they’regetting out of their car, the little boy throws his father’sBible into a puddle.  Considering the puddle was on a patchof dirt, it’s probably a puddle of mudd, isn’t it?  Onward.    [Ferox's note:  Fuck those guys in the fucking nose,eyes, ears, and everywhere else.]    Inside the house, which has been pre-decorated for itsnew tenants, apparently, they find a huge black swan toyin the kids’ room.  Call me crazy but that thing would scarethe shit out of me if I were four.  Who the hell thought itwas a cute thing to have the little yard monsters sleep with?    While the rest of the family are unpacking, Carole,is exploring.  She finds a crack in the wall in a closet,which either has an airport spotlight behind it, or leadsto Hell.  My money’s on Hell.  Her brother, Martin, whoearlier threw dad’s Bible in the mudd, joins her andpretends to be possessed.  Later that night, the monstrousdevil swan starts rocking by itself.  Annie surprises Peterby having ironed his Bible and making it all shiny and new.They start to fool around when an evil wind whips up andtears the book to shreds.    While all this is going on, Father George is nolonger a Father.  He’s out on the streets a-drinkin’ anda-doomsayin’.  He’s haunted by the ghosts of the children,and sees the evil woman as a bus driver carting them allaway.  It’s nice that Hell has a good transit service now.Those black carriages were so slow, and they were neveron time.    Carole, the little girl, has a dream where she’ssurrounded by hooded figures burying her alive.  She goesto the glowing hole in the wall and it burns her.  Herparents pass it off as a faulty heat pipe.  The next day,the priest who Peter reports to calls and asks if they’vehad any strange visitors, suspecting George might pay thema visit.    At supper that night, the radio starts tuning in to the“all Alistair Crowley all the time” station and explodes.The kitchen loses its mind and starts throwing knives atthe family.  As they run away, zombies attack them from theattic.  Peter chases them away and goes to the old priestfor help.  He plans to leave the house, but when he callshis wife to tell her to pack, she says that Carole has afever and that makes them unable to leave because theycan’t move her for some reason.  I guess fever means severeneck injury in this movie.    George stops Peter outside the church and tells him thathe needs to help him help Peter and free his family from theevil.  When Peter dismisses him as crazy, he goes to the oldpriest for help and is denied once more.    Peter gets home to have Annie attack him with an axe.Apparently they’ve had more zombie trouble while he was away.The evil chick and her horde of zombies take their son, andGeorge shows up to save the day.  Or to help Peter to help himto help Peter save the day.  Or something.  They evacuate thehouse and see Martin in the attic window.    That night, George explains the K-Mart Devil Bible toPeter.  The evil chick and her zombies want Peter for a ritualbecause he is a purifier of souls.  Meanwhile, Martin returnsand kidnaps Carole.  George had originally planned to send outan army of exorcists to fight the evil, but now he and Petermust face it alone.  Peter reinstates George’s priesthood,and off they go.  Annie gets Carole back from Martin and takesher to stay with the old priest while she goes back to help Peter.    Peter and George find Martin on his bed with a Linda Blairmask on and start chanting “You are banished in the name ofChrist!”  It should have been “We’re being sued in the name ofWilliam Peter Blatty!”  At any rate, they manage to get thedemon out, if only because he suffered a fit of giggles and hadto run from the room to get some water.    Peter and George get to the attic to find Martin teleportedinto an electric chair.  Evil chick tries to tempt George intopulling the lever, but he sacrifices himself to save Martin.  Hegets possessed, but Peter prays for him and saves him from Hellat the last minute.    Annie gets back to the house and grabs the axe, finding Martinin a coffin in the attic.  Peter is now possessed and is tryingto sacrifice him.  The old priest prays from his church and usesthe Telekinetic Power of God to stop them.  Peter and Annie stabevil chick with their sacrificial knife and get out to theirstation wagon with kids in tow (I thought Carole was…never mind,just end, stupid movie) when…the BATTERY DIES!  I’m gonna slapthis movie soooo hard.       Old priest uses the last of his strength to start the devilbook on fire with his mind, and dies.  The house burns and blowsup.  But the movie WON’T FUCKING END!  It just keeps going overthe entire credit sequence and then the kid opens his eyes andthey’re demon eyes.  They milked that goddamn run time for allit was worth.  Nearly 100 minutes of pain and movie over everybit of it.  At least most movies have the kindness to just leaveyou with words and music for the last few minutes, allowing youto comfort yourself by saying “It’s not really 98 minutes, only94 or 95 because the credits count in run time too.”  Eat me,movie.  I’m going to shut off my computer and listen to some MotherSuperior to remind myself that at least SOMETHING good came fromthe Catholic church, even if it is a rock band whose associationis in name only.
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Not applicable in this area code.
Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok
Brother Fistula:  We dont' have this guy's opinionat the moment.  We'll get it to you, Fed-Ex style.Brother Ferox:  I don't fucking remember agoddamned thing from this movie, which probably means it's worth poopin a clock-radio.  1, just because I don't remember enough to hate it more.    Brother Ragnarok:  I feel like being spiteful, and nothingengenders spitefulness like a shitty, boring, derisive,please-believe-we're-as-good-as-the-movies-we're-fucking-in-the-ass-like-a-two-bit-herpes-riddled-Thai-hooker kind of movie.  Fuck Beyond Darkness.It does not go Beyond Within.  In fact, I'm sorry I even mentioned a coolband like Nevermore in the same review as this slimy pile of syphiliticgopher sputum.  Big fat asshole-lookin' 0.  Eat me, movie.    Average:  .5               Recommended by:  Don't think so.You are pooped on in the name of Christ.