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We here at The Brotherhood feel we’ve been let an untapped resource sit untouched for too long. Realizing that we do nothing but horror and sci-fi abominations, we took a trip to the kung-fu section. We extend our warmest welcome to kung-fu master Michael Dudikoff, the Brotherhood’s newest icon. Here’s the first volume of that groundbreaking series known at upscale society discussions as American Ninja. Our story begins at a military base of some sort, where our hero is standing quietly by himself. A few of his comrades are engaging in a mind-numbing game of every stoner’s second favorite past-time hackey-sak (if that’s not the correct spelling, I’ve got a sack you can become acquainted with). The sak is kicked in Dudikoff’s direction, but he doesn’t respond. A K-Mart knock-off of Tia Carrere gets into a car, which is promptly taken over by hijackers (on a side note, where all these knock-offs going to come from once K-Mart goes under? Even these movies aren’t cheap enough to do their shopping at Wal-Mart). While all of this is going on, a ninja appears from behind a bush and a tree falls, and it’s Dudikoff to the rescue! He blows up a truck and rescues the woman, which brings on a pack of ninja’s ready to hand Dudikoff his head. He and the woman escape, though, by way of some survival crap. At some point, they end up naked. Meanwhile, back on base, the woman’s father (a superior of Dudikoff’s and a free-lance om Arnold impersonator) vocalizes his displeasure to somebody about Dudikoff taking such extreme measures. Though this may sound like a lot, you’re probably better off just watching Gymkata a few more times. Attempts to examine Dudikoff’s past prove futile, as Dudikoff’s file is mysterious and sketchy, but it does say that he has amnesia and he has a past of violence towards his fellow man. He in enlisted because it was his only alternative to prison…does that mean the death penalty, when used strategically, would prevent me from having to watch this movie? Maybe George W. is on to something. Meanwhile, at the base, the troops are not too pleased with Dudikoff, due to the fact the four soldiers were killed during that little fracas. Dudikoff enjoys a flashback of ninja-type surroundings, and the audience enjoys a guy showing off his ninja army. One particular soldier has been giving our hero a hard time, a fellow by the name of Jackson (it might have been Tito, I don’t quite remember), and he decides to have it out with Dudikoff. They engage in a little stick and bucket combat, with Dudikoff coming out on top by biting his proverbial ear off. They become good friends, as is so often the case. Not everyone’s following Action Jackson’s lead, though; ol’ Sgt. Slaughter blames Dudikoff for the aforementioned casualties, but the woman he saved can’t seem to get Dudikoff out of her mind (could you blame her? I haven’t forgotten about him, either) and arranges to meet him. That’s a problem, however, because her dad’s Dudikoff’s hard-assed superior and already has it out for him. Is it doomed love? Hell no! (The movie is doomed, however Dudikoff hops the fortress wall on a motorbike and whisks her off to a restaurant. While they enjoy each other’s company, they spy gangster/ninja guy involved in a meeting that certainly can’t be on the up and up. Turns out Sarge has set up Dudikoff to fall to the pack of ninjas, but all the headbands and monkey-bars in the world can’t save them from Dudikoff’s wrath. He whips all their asses, only to have one steal his truck (how did he get a truck? I can’t remember, sorry). Stealing a page from Vanilla Ice’s playbook, Dudikoff grabs a motorbike and gives chase. They have a crappy high-speed chase that would make Vanilla Ice feel good about himself, complete with Dudikoff leaping from his about-to-be mangled bike only to latch onto the bottom of his stolen truck. Some more dumb fighting ensues, and eventually Dudikoff meets the gardener (?!?) of the evil ninjas, who is in reality the master who trained Dudikoff in the art of street dancing...I mean martial arts. Dudikoff makes his way back to base eventually, and is using the restroom when a ninja assassin tries to kill him...alright. At this point, I’ve said so much about this steamer that you probably think a lot is going on and it might actually be good. I’m sorry, I feel I’ve mislead you. It’s actually pretty bad, and in the end Dudikoff and gardener fight the giant ninja army (and sticking with ninja tradition, they all stand in a circle and attack our heroes one at a time) In the end, Dudikoff wins. As if all this wasn’t bad enough, there was one sweet-assed guy, simply known as “The Dude” who was woefully under exploited. I weep when I think that Dudikoff will be in the sequel and The Dude is working at a Piggly Wiggly in Albuquerque telling the new towel boy about how he was in this one movie. American Ninja sucks, but it sucks to the point where you can have a pretty good time. Be on the lookout for The Brotherhood’s review of American Ninja 2, 3, 4, and...oh, I’m suddenly feeling ill. Dudikoff! Or not.
What's a BrainWave?
Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok Begin.
Dudikoff, hell yeah!
I wish that Christian Bale was in this, but then it might be Newsies.
Dudikoff! Golan Globus! AAAAAGH!
10 Min.
Hi Jack.
Wow, look at those stunts (nice, Dudikoff)!
Why the hell did that tree fall over?
20 Min.
Man, Tom Arnold's one hell of a tough boss.
Parents: unkown. DOB: unknown. Name: Dudikoff.
Turn on the gasoline rediculous.
30 Min.
So, they lay down trampolines for ninjas?
Oh, no! A pussy fight!
What a wrenching scene.
40 Min.
Dudikoff sucks!
Duuuuudiiikooooooooff!!
Dudikoff in love.
50 Min.
Then came Dudikoff.
Nice fuckin' bike-sized pathway, movie. Oh, and DUDIKOFF!
Lights, camera, Dudikoff!
60 Min.
These aren't ninjas, where are their headbands that say "ninja?"
Kick ass, the 80's bassline is back!
The ninjas are sent to steal classified gardening secrets...
70 Min.
No yelling at Jay Fiedler, dickhead!
At least it's not just all bluescreens - good job, Dudikoff.
Quick! After that Dudikoff!
80 Min.
Where's the dude? They're letting me down.
I want to see Dudikoff fight The Guy, with lots of face shots of The Guy.
Okay, this is getting old. END!
90 Min.
...the hell?
Oh no! Dudikoff is in his natural surroundings in that pool that all of the ninjas poop in!
So laser guns are among the approved ninja arsenal, huh?
End.
Holy Dudikoff, that was bad.
Wow. I enjoyed that Dudikoff-joke-filled romp through ninjadom.
One down, four to go. The sequels are going to hurt, aren't they?
Brother Fistula: Did I say icon? Dudikoff is actually a totally unappealing and altogether lame hero, and this movie, although this is coming from someone who doesn't like martial arts or action moives, is a pretty good testement to the premise that white people can't do anything right. It sucked. 2 
