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Director(s): Ed Wood Producer(s): No Credit Writer(s): Ed Wood Editor(s): No Credit
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Bela Lugosi | Crazy Spooky Dude | An undenyably cool man, Bela |
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Here it is: the alleged worst movie of all time, a movie which displays complete incompetence every step of the way. Well, forget what you’ve been told because it’s not true. Usually considered the most glaring abomination of infamous writer/producer/director Ed Wood’s career, Plan 9 is bad, but it’s the kind of bad you and I thrive on. You can tell you’ve rented something special from the moment infamous psychic Jeron Criswell takes the stage behind a sports anchor’s desk and explains the events which are about to occur. The future holds... “Grave robbers from outer space!” Apparently they’ve already begun, though, because there’s a living dead girl crashing her own funeral on Earth (*gasp!*) It appears starvation might have been the cause of death, because this lady’s measurements are probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 36-4-36. Meanwhile, a plane flying above is startled by a paper plate hovering not far away. After hanging around for a while, it lands on Earth. Speaking of Earth, the husband of the late hourglass steps out of his home, why it’s Bela Lugosi! (Trivia: That house belongs to none other than Tor Johnson himself) You’ve probably heard the old legend about Lugosi dying during the making of Plan 9 and his role being filled by a chiropractor friend. Recently I read somewhere that the part about Lugosi dying during the shoot is a fallacy, but that the chiropractor part is indeed true. Anyway, it’s easy to tell when it’s the chiropractor, because he guards his face with his cape (“you should go see my chiropractor, he’s super!”) The old man is promptly killed by his wife (does “till death do us part” mean nothing to this woman? The poor guy was probably going to flex his mojo at the local strip joint). Mourners find two mannequins murdered. This involves the local police force, and inspector Daniel Clay arrives at the scene (Tor!) Tor sparkles in an elusive speaking role, proving he is not the one- dimensional Lobo history will remember him as. Before Tor can say too much, he gets killed by Mr. and Mrs. Dead. While all this goofiness is going on, the paper plates are flying over Hollywood Blvd. and raising quite the ruckus. This prompts the military to open fire, but to little avail. Later on at HQ, a commanding officer details us on the back story: it seems the government has known about the aliens for some time now. Up in outer space, said aliens explain “plan 9”; resurrection of the dead. Speaking of the dead: Lugosi/ un-Lugosi is stalking the wife of the airplane pilot (who somehow got the role of our hero) in their home. He’s almost got her but *HUZZAH* she teleports to the graveyard. But she’s not safe there, because Tor is rising from his grave in a version of his classic lumbering oaf character Lobo (a true classic never dies). She collapses, and is rescued by an extra from Bonanza. At the Pentagon, a colonel plays a tape of the aliens gloating about their accomplishments and warning that Earth has become too dangerous. Up in space, the leader hatches a brilliant scheme. He leads the old zombie to the pilot’s house, where a meeting is taking place. The old man is gunned down by country music legand Slim Whitman, but the bullets have no effect on him (he must have taken Ensure that morning). The aliens pull the plug on him, and he turns into a funhouse skeleton. Our three heroes eventually find the station on Earth and go inside, where they confront the two aliens. The male lets fly with exposition dialogue, where the concept of the solarbenyte is introduced. In the future, you see, Earth scientists will develop a method of exploding sunlight, which will in turn destroy the universe, and that’s why the aliens are here. They fight, the earthlings win, and the ship explodes in mid-air, the end. Obviously, the movie has its flaws, most of which stem from having a budget slimmer than Vampira’s waist. However, Wood makes up for the shortcomings with a script that is surprisingly imaginative. When all the dust settles, you are left with what turns out to be an excellent movie, whether you are looking for fodder to MST3Kify or just a cheesy 60s sci-fi. Highly and enthusiastically recommended.
What's a BrainWave?
Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok Begin.
It's not the worst.
Where the hell are my paper plates?
Ah, Ed Wood. Ah, Tor Johnson. Ah, paper plates.
10 Min.
Tor speaks!
Fifteen whores in a dead man's DUDLEY MANLOVE!
Damn bobcat turned him into a shovel.
20 Min.
Should I be standing in a grey box?
No! You're killing the sky! Save us Chicken Mostly-Not-Large!
The aliens are very helpful staying in a tight easy target formation.
30 Min.
We want Tor!
Hey, why doesn't Tor come back? We need more Tor [and Kalgan, while I'm at it].
I'll bet that Andrew Borntreger is watching a sweet midget movie right now.
40 Min.
There's just something about flimsy cardboard grave markers. I love it.
Aaaaah, I'm falling through another dimension that's devoid of a forty-minute brainwave!!
Detective Robert I. Miller.
50 Min.
Hollywood.
Manlove has a frightening nipple.
Time for back from dead!
60 Min.
This cemetary would be one hell of a frolf course.
Send them to Hardee's! Hey, here comes Saint Tor again! Yay!
The aliens stole all their equipment from our high school science department.
70 Min.
So, you come from the Texas planet then?
So, this flick is a big social commentary on blue spandex? No? Well, it should be!
You'd think there'd be a contractual rule that you'd have to be in at least five pornos with a name like Dudley Manlove.
End.
It's fun!
No it wasn't, it was filmed in some guy's backyard. Boo! No, wait; yay for that movie! Thanks, Eddie! Good shyxt.
Criswell predicts a crappy sequel. Goodnight.
Brother Fistula: I love it! Tor sparkles in a rare speaking part, yet still maintains his moron persona made famous in other movies. That's hard to pull off. No disputing how pathetic Plan 9 is, but think of it this way. Ever noticed how people laugh at cats when they play with string and fall off the banister in the process? Same principle. 4.5 Brother Ferox: This flick was as good as B-movies can hope to be, in the way that it was cheesy, grainy, and yet terrific. Tor was there, he impresses me, evil chick was there, she impressed me - cardboard gravestones were there. They impressed me too. If there's a B-Movie fan out there that hasn't seen this one, get off of your arse and rent it! 5
Brother Ragnarok: I love old B & W sci-fi flicks, and I'd never give one a bad rating. They're always so incredibly enjoyable, it defies all reason. And this one has Tor Johnson Great flick. 4.5
Recommended by: Brothers Fistula, Ragnarok, and Ferox Time for read reviews!!
