This Movie: The Plot BrainWave Ratings Elsewhere Reviews Index Chuddings You pick em!

Director(s): Wayne Berwick Producer(s): Thomas Sihger, Craig Muckler Writer(s): Craig Muckler (story) Editor(s): Steve Neilson Actor Name: Character Name: Description Jackie Vernon [We love you man!] Donald Cranky yet lovable old cannibal who cracks wisely. Loren Scheih Roosevelt Cocky white construction worker. He's got soul. Al Troupe Philip Cocky black construction worker. He don't gots soul. Marla Simon Knothole Girl Her breasts are in a knothole. That's about it. Claire Ginsberg May Donald's controlling wife, who thinks her microwave makes her a gormet chef. We may have underestimated her taste. Lou Ann Webber Dee Dee Dee Woman of the night or lady of the sidewalk - whichever you prefer. Donald's second entree. Anna Marlowe Chick chick Performance artist and course numero three-o. She's too good looking to go around looking like a chick. Cindy Gant Susie Grubb Asian girl hitchhiking on the sidewalk. Gets munched. Karen Marshall Neighbor She's kinky. Phil DeCarlo Sam Cranky and unlovable bartender with hemorrhoids. Ed Thomas Dr. Von Der Fool Donald's doctor. He's no fool. John Harmon Dr. Gesteip Donald's shrink - He really doesn't care. Buzz The Vibrator Provided by Sticky Digits. X1-74A The Microwave Unknowing mechanical murderer of our hero. Some Dog Napoleon Great comical relief - though it's really not needed here.

    Okay, here's how it be.  We open on a T&A shot of a girl sticking
her breasts through a knothole.  Pretty much comic relief to hear
Philip and Roosevelt's painful one-liners as they ogle her.  Check
out Roosevelt's face as he just misses a chance to touch her.  

    Now on to the meat (my own little one-liner! Haha!).  May gets a
new microwave (gee, wonderwhat that'll be used for?  At work, 
Roosevelt tries teaching Philip how to dance.  A white guy teaching
a black guy rhythm!  Classic stuff!  Donald (played by Jackie Vernon,
voice of Frosty the Snowman in the beloved Christmas cartoon and comic 
genius) complains about his wife's "gourmet" food.  

    When Donald gets home, there's some kinky sex goin' on next door.
He looks on wistfully as he heads in to his wife, May.  He's overwhelmed
once again by May's unbearable personality and food.  He imagines
himself attacking her with a sword, but dolefully goes on eating the
disgusting food as May puts on an even more disgusting display of how
some men still find her attractive (nooo they don't).  May makes a
crack of how their dog Napoleon even eats better than him.

    The next day Donald takes a dogfood sandwich to lunch.   Roosevelt
successfully hits on the knothole girl after introducing her to the
resident big buff guy who turns out to be a real flamer.  After 
stopping at the bar on the way home Donald hits drunkenly on his 
neighbor (who's holding a cat), calling "Nice pussy.  Pussy pussy
pussy!"

At this point we gave up all hope of containing our laughter. This
movie is hilarious.

    Donald fights with May again, throwing her latest "gourmet" creation
out the door after spitting on it.  He demands a balogna and cheese
sandwich served to him in the garage, but she refuses.  He finally
snaps, throwing stuff around the house, emptying the vacuum bag on
the couch, and pissing all over the carpet.  He then strangles May
and beats her to death with a pepper shaker, stopping to throw some
over his shoulder (isn't that supposed to be salt?) and making the
funniest face in all of history.  Napoleon shines in this scene, doing
a hilarious double-take and slipping on the linoleum trying to escape.
Donald then throws her in the microwave, turns it on, and blacks out
for the night.  

    He wakes up the next morning with no recollection of the previous
night's events.  When his lunch box is empty, he looks to see if there's
any food in the microwave.  He finds May, and in a fit of panic, cuts
her up with a hacksaw and puts her in the freezer.  He sits down and
watches a TV news show about how the perfect crime can only be comitted
if you eat all the evidence (foreshadowing!!!).  The show was edited
wonderfully.  The blips for cutting swear words misfire every time.
This is one of the funniest scenes in the film, and there are many.

    That night, Donald goes for a midnight snack.  He grabs May's hand
in a sleep haze and starts munching.  He realizes it's her, but he's
only horrified for a second as she's actually quite tasty.  The next day
he takes a barbequed arm to work for lunch and his co-workers find it
yummy as well.  But supply can not meet demand, so he starts picking
up hookers (he's incredibly happy about this, as he and May were last
intimate back in 1962) to screw and eat.  It's insane how he gets so
many relatively hot chicks to his place.  If you've ever seen ol' Jackie
you'd wonder too.

    He tells his psychiatrist about it, concerned that he may have a
bit of a problem (no shit, Sherlock!).  The doc falls asleep listening
to him, and covers by waking up and saying that it's perfectly fine
what Donald is doing.  Surprised but happy, he goes on his merry way.  

    May's sister stops by later that night and discovers the truth, so
Donald ties her up, gags her with a piece of bread, and throws her in
the closet.  Leaving her there, he goes in for a doctor's appointment
where we learn that he has a pacemaker.  PLOT POINT!  That night Donald
and his buddies plan another bachelor's excursion, and he offers to bring
the munchies, but he needs time to prepare.  

    In the process of nuking the latest batch of hooker, the microwave
shorts his pacemaker and he drops like a load of bricks.  His buddies
find him laying dead on the floor, a slew of body parts cookin' in the
ol' X1-74A.  The house goes up for sale, and as the real-estate guys
are checking the wiring on the microwave, they discover that "this
thing is a death-trap for anyone with a pacemaker!".  We close with
a shot of May's head with glowing red eyes.  I guess her ghost rewired
the microwave.



What's a BrainWave?



Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok


Begin.
No thoughts really.
 
Boiled cover?  Tasty stuff!  Looks terrible - we can stand it though. 
What movie with a boiled face on the cover can't be good? 


10 Min.
I don't give a rat's ass about your hemerroids. 
Actors?  What actors? 
Lovin' it, lovin' it.


20 Min.
Somehow, I know this movie kicks ass.  Love it so far. 
Damn he's smooth!  So am I, with my beard and all. 
I have to go to the breastroom... 


30 Min.
Kick ass!  Now that's a face only a mother could love.  If Jackie were with us today, I'd let him kill me just to see that face up close. 
Why does she care if he messes up the piss-stained couch?  Some people. 
The Jackie Vernon school of successful marriage. 


40 Min.
Someday, I'm going to get the nerve to pick up a girl with the line, "You look a lot better in the dark."  Oh, to be smooth. 
Say Sam, you rule... and so does this movie! 
This is fantastic.  I've never seen anything like it! 


50 Min.
I couldn't have sex with a filthy, disease infested whore with that creepy Beethoven statue looking on.  I'm sorry, that's over the line. 
What could be greater than playing a game of golf with a gator?? 
Frosty the killer... 


60 Min.
This movie is finger licking good! 
I usually go to the preacher for advice, but he does things by the book, and I don't think he can look this one up! 
Jackie Vernon is a genius. 


70 Min.
Jackie Vernon is one potent chick magnet for a short, pudgy, wrinkly guy. 
Von Der Fool?  Yeah, OK... this flick sure as hell impresses me. 
Vibrators provided by sticky digits. 


End.
This is fantastic!  I've never tasted anything like it! 
Jackie Vernon?  Yeah.  Hell yeah.  Fuck yeah.  Yeah. 
The credits are a menu!  Give me one of everything! 














Fedeler:  He-he-he-he!  This movie rocks completely that's all - 5.


Brother Fistula:  Wow!  This is fantastic!  I've never seen 
anything like it.  Jackie Vernon is a god.  5
    


Brother Ferox:  Wow, this really IS fantastic.  No, really, it 
is.  This flick is one of the greatest things EVER PRODUCED!  
Jackie Vernon has impressed more than just about anyone - bar 
maybe Devin Townsend, Bruce Campbell, and maybe Tony Danza 
(no... wait... that's not it!!).  This guy was a friggin' genius.

    One more thing:  I can relate to a certain part in this story - when
Jackie hits on his neighbor ("Pussy, pussy, pussy!") it reminds me of
a personal story - here's the short version:  

    I was camping up at a lake in Minnesota (which rules), and my cousin
Sean was there.  He's almost exactly a year younger than I am, and he's
mostly as good a friend as anyone else (bar Brothers Fistula and Ragnarok,
Robert Fedeler, and maybe Kirk Cameron.... no... that's not it either).

    Anyway - damn my stories!  I'll make it quick.  I swear.  So we're
up there, and we feel the need to hit on this really hot chick.   Well,
as luck may have it, my dad was entirely drunken.  Dammit!!  He decided
to go find us a chick, and five minutes later he was back at camp
because he had forgotten what he was doing and needed a new beer.  
I figured that he was mostly done running around for the night, so we
went to make my move.  Oh, and by the way - this wasn't a real camp,
this was a cabin, and I was with my mom's half of my family - plenty
of people.

    So, we went to talk to her... out of nowhere BUGAT!!  We're about
there, almost realizing our goals, when my dad's there - and do you know
what he says?  He says: [Click it, eh?](and knowing my dad, he was
trying to make this a sexual joke) That sonofabitch!  I'm not really
pissed, I'm just frustrated.  Man, we were so frightened - we left
the next day, and we never talked to her.  

    Well, this movie ruled, and that's all that I really needed to tell
you... HAHAHA!  No less than a 5.
    


Brother Ragnarok:  I may have underestimated this movie's 
taste.  Nothing could ever hope to get a bigger recommendation 
from me.  5 all the way.
    


Average:  5
    

Vibrators provided by Sticky Digits.