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Goddamn, does college ever suck. Thankfully, we don’t have any brain-dead frat boys at Wartburg. Unfortunately, most of the people here are brain-dead drunk-ass redneck morons anyway, so there’s not much difference. Except there aren’t any stupid hazing pranks. Just stupid people. Anyway, as dumb as they are, with no hazing, there’s less of a chance of some random idiot opening a portal to Hell and unleashing Satan Preacher. But here’s a tale of some random idiots who did just that. A nurse is making his rounds in the loony bin, and he stops to check on a guy covered in spider webs. He’s been sitting there without moving or speaking for 25 years. 25 years earlier, a priest walks into a crypt, coming upon a scary bald guy and some mutilated bodies. And back to the present, or when 1991 was the present, anyway. Ned, the campus TV and radio guy, pops into the bar to tell his frat buddies about his idea for a hazing prank. Back in ’63, a corpse went missing from the Malius crypt in the local cemetery. Ned wants the new initiates to go to the asylum and take some pictures of the evil dude who did it. Sonny, victim-to-be, rides up to Liz outside her apartment and talks to her. She doesn’t want to “tell Eric about them.” Liz tells Sonny they’re over, and walks away. Back at the college, Eric’s (and Sonny’s, for those keeping score) calls him and asks if Sonny’s in the ol’ family tradition frat yet. Eric asks his dad about the murders in ’63, and his dad hangs up to come to the college and save his sons from the evil he started. Eric swings by Liz’s place and sees her fucking his brother. Sonny shows up at the frat party later that night, and Eric attacks him. But rather than beat him up, Eric sends him to do the pledge assignment. At the asylum, Sonny and his idiot partner break into the room sealed by a huge steel door and barred with a large cross. That would tell me it was a bad idea, wouldn’t it you? But then again, if they were smart people, we’d have no movie. Anyway, Satan Preacher pops out and kills Sonny’s friend. Let me take a moment to say that Satan Preacher is the scariest killer in a movie I’ve ever seen. The strobing camera flash effect makes his appearance even creepier. Ol’ SP gets loose, kills the nurse on duty, and escapes the asylum. Liz, after trying to explain things to Eric and getting shot down, goes to talk to Ned. She walks in on him watching some homemade porn, and he tells her about the pledge assignment. She knows something’s wrong and goes to find Sonny. Harry gets Ned to set up a camera in his room to make a fuck tape to get back at Liz. Liz runs to the college pastor and tells him what’s up. He freaks out and says he must prepare for what’s coming. 25 years ago, he blessed Satan Preacher to keep him down, but apparently it wore off. As he’s praying, he sees his statue of Jesus on the cross bleed, moan, and fall to the floor. Meanwhile, Ned is taping everyone’s various sexual encounters. The girl Eric was going to screw leaves while he goes to get a drink, and gets an ice pick through her skull. Another random girl takes a shower and gets axed. The kinky foreign chick that was with Jake, Eric’s friend, cuffs her stupid ass to the bed and gets axed. I think Satan Preacher beats out even Jason for quick killing off of extras whose only job it was to show their breasts to the camera for ten seconds so sweaty pathetic thirteen-year-olds can wear out the tape rewinding it and jerking off to a ten-second loop of nipple flashes. Liz comes back to the suddenly all to quiet house as Eric’s dad arrives and finds the old pastor nailed upside down to the cross. Sonny arrives and flips out on Ned for losing Liz. Liz, Sonny, and Eric all finally get back together after some cat-and-mouse with Satan Preacher, when Ned calls them and says that he sees Satan Preacher chasing Liz’s friend Susan on his cameras. When they finally find her in the attic, her head falls off and they find themselves trapped with Satan Preacher, who Eric shoots out the window with a harpoon gun he finds on the floor. Once they’re out of the attic, Sonny and Eric’s dad shows up and explains that he made a deal with The Divil a while back, which is why Satan Preacher is running around killing people. And Ned gets axed for being a bad TV host. Satan Preacher returns to kill the remaining crew, and in the process of cutting down the door, nails Dad in the back with his ice pick. Liz finds a diary with the spell to get rid of Satan Preacher, and she and Eric head to the mausoleum to perform the rite and send him back to Hell. Sonny, in the house alone with SP, sees a sheet moving and nails it with the harpoon gun. Whoops, you just stabbed your not- quite-dead father. Well, I guess he’s dead now. Sonny tries to get down from the window with the rope they used and somehow hangs himself upside down with it. Just as Satan Preacher is about to kill him, Liz summons him to the crypt with the spell. Eric runs to help Sonny and SP puts the ice pick through his neck, dragging him back into the crypt by the hole in his throat. Just as Satan Preacher’s about to kill Liz and Eric, Sonny runs him over with his motorcycle and he lands on a…BEAR TRAP!? What the hell is a bear trap doing in a crypt? Well, whatever works, I guess. Liz is a little slow on the uptake and doesn’t finish the spell in time. Satan Preacher takes him arm off with a scalpel, which apparently was lying next to the bear trap? To make up for Liz’s untimeliness, Sonny nails Satan Preacher in the heart with a cross and handcuffs himself to the demon, sending them both to Hay-ull. Liz drags Eric out of the crypt as the cops pull up. She gets into the ambulance with him, and as they pull away, Satan Preacher turns in the driver’s seat and smiles. Cue the cheesy punk theme song! This is, for the most part, just another slasher movie. The difference is, that the killer is actually frightening. It’s a cut above, with some nice acting, and a good atmosphere. The problem is, all the main characters cheat on each other and are generally assholes to each other, so we don’t really care much about their survival, we more just want to see them all from the inside out, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
What's a BrainWave?
Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok Begin.
Hey, Mills Lane is on the cover!
Hey, it's like "merry christmas" but with Satan!
Did they invent a new holiday and forget to tell me about it?
10 Min.
I guess you could call that finger painting. I'm just going out on a (severed) limb, though. Thank you!
That guy doesn't scare me. He just reminds me of Weird Al, only not funny in the least.
Hey, it's the foul-mouthed radio guy from Halloween 6.
20 Min.
Ringo Starr is his driver. He's really hit rock bottom.
There's a hockey team, I know - for those haircuts tell me so.
Whiskey, frisky, luck, and fellow!? I don't think so. Tapeworm!
30 Min.
You're pretty much dead.
I wonder if they'll find Snake Plisskin in there?
Didn't your mother ever tell you not to mess with protective symbols on huge doors?
40 Min.
EEEEK!
AAAAHH!! SONOFAFUCK!!
AAAAAAIIIEEEEE!!
50 Min.
Please kill this fucking slime! Come on, Satan Preacher!
Would you FUCK OFF, Tom Carstins?!?
How many college students listen to Strawberry Alarm Clock while showering?
60 Min.
No more goddamn fuck!!
Why is Chode Boy still alive? DIE!
No more goddamn fuck - or parking - or sex.
70 Min.
You're damn right no STV!
Damn. I was too busy shouting "HORSESHIT!" to write, apparently.
Keep an eye out, Ned.
80 Min.
I'd take Zach Wylde in a fight against Satan Preacher, but it would be one hell of a battle. He's one beauty of a killer.
Satan comes for your sugar! Have you a cup, or have you no soul anymore?
Return of the Living Dead III is Romeo and Juliet with zombies.
End.
Sweet punk song - the original Handsome Devil.
Horrible fucking theme song for such a great fucking movie.
Dragoljub Zigovik? All the second unit guys are Russian! What the hell? Beware Sovtech.
[Guest Review!] >> Fedeler: 5. No question about it. This movie was actually vaguely scary. When the Satan Preacher ripped the dude's hand off with the scary flashing strobe light going, it was startling. Brother Fistula: Few men rock more than Satan Preacher. For once in a long time, the killer of a movie was genuinely scary. Just for the first sitting, I watched it again and it wasn't the same. Judging on the first sitting it kicked ass. 4.5
Brother Ferox: Well, even though the storyline and effects were somewhat lame, this move kicked all arse. I wanted to kick the TV when they threw him out of the window and went back (he wasn't there by the way) though. Overall, this amused me to aboot no end. 4.5
No STV!
