Jason Vorhees
In this corner,
Jason Voorhees, slasher
icon from the ultra-
famous/ultra-cheesy
Friday the 13th series.
Jason did more for
the hockey mask than
Martin Brodeur ever
did. He dusts off
his machete to do
battle with:
|
Vs.
| The Rat Monkey
Rat Monkey, the
instigator of Dead
Alive. Sure he's
vicious, but I don't
know how succeptible
Jason is to Rat
Monkey's venomous
bite. The bell
sounds, and here
come our contestents!
|
The Rulings
Brother Fistula;
Before I begin, I just want to say that Jason is my
all-time movie hero (I hear that laughing, shut the fuck
up!), I was weaned on the Friday the 13th series, and I
grew up with him. Jason takes trademark machete and
slices Rat Monkey into an African delicacy (while I'm on
the subject, support Jason X in whatever way you can
think of, there are some dirty motherfuckers out in
Hollywood that are fist fucking Jason fans by baiting
fans and taking it away. The movie has recently been
jerked from its reportedly long-established August release
date and possibly won't be given a theatre release at all.
NOTE: They're just rumors, sorry if they're not totally
correct, please mail me if you know something I don't.
Sorry, now back to our previously scheduled program)
WINNER: Jason Voorhees
Brother Ferox;
As the stop-motion rat monkey's body is torn apart
by Jason's machete, we hear only a faint voice in the
background....
"Poor raped monkeys!"
And in the end, no one cared. Come on now, you expect
the Rat Monkey to take out Jason? I mean, Mum killed the
Rat Monkey, and though Mum sure is tough and insane, she's
also stupid. That's the end of that. Stupid random match.
WINNER: Jason Voorhees
Brother Ragnarok;
Zombified Kane Hodder controlled by a demonic cat
thing against, well, a mutant monkey. Probably not. A
squish, a squash, Rat Monkey's dead and I want some nosh.
That means food.
WINNER: Jason Voorhees
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