The Rulings
Brother Fistula;
Man, anyone who uses a machete is okay in my book. All
that space bullshit is useless on this island earth, the
atmospheric differences would be too great (pretend for a
second like I know what I'm talking about, don't ask
questions) for the poop cannons. FTSS invades the ship
and quickly makes his way to Captain Mullet's quarters.
Now we're in for some hand-to-hand. The machete is
intimidating, but Captain Mullet backs down from nobody!
He takes a swing, but misses and falls against an air
grate, his lovely mane has gotten stuck! This makes him
easy prey to a sadistic FTSS, and he makes Potted Meat
Food Product out of his sorry ass. Space be damned!
Viva Earth! Packers!
WINNER: FTSS
Brother Ferox;
As the bell rings, a hole is created in the ceiling
of the auditorium, and a rather large steel-encrusted
pneumatic hook grabs ahold of good ol' Captain Mullet's
chair, lifting him to his ship in the sky. Confused,
FTSS somehow manages to find enough wits about himself
to grab ahold of the lift as it rises, and he narrowly
escapes the closing doors of the ship by hoisting himself
up.
Captain Mullet introduces his ship to FTSS, smirking,
as he believes he has already won. Mullet-boy commands
the ship to blast FTSS in the face, but is flabbergasted
when he discovers that the referee, seeing that this could
easily happen, has disabled most of the ship's functions.
Catching Captain Mullet in his moment's surprise, FTSS
jumps off of a nearby couch and boots Mullet in the face.
FTSS draws his machete and starts to move in for the
ultimately cheap kill - LOOK OUT, FTSS! Mullet happens to
have hidden a laser in a reachable cup-holder, and he's
quick to shoot. FTSS, luckily shot in the leg, flies
backwards. FTSS drags himself to cover behind a stupid
space couch, and finds a controller - much like the average
Television remote control.
Pressing 'go', FTSS accidentally sets off the ship's
last functioning weapon - the Fuddruckers' poop cannon!!
OH MY! FTSS rushes to the starport-looking thing and
begins to cry as the Earth is destroyed below him [well,
relatively below - you know]. With his back turned, FTSS
is in no position to save himself from the last blast of
the laser. FTSS falls, broken both of mind and body.
Note, Earth is still there. That's just for this fight.
Don't complain at me.
WINNER: Captain Mullet!
Brother Ragnarok;
Well, as lovely a classic weapon as is a machete, I
can't vote against my pet theoretical weapon, the
Fuddrucker's Poop Cannon. Yep, Captain Mullet was hiding
the fact that the Nightflyer was also the prototype
ship for this horrifyingly powerful device. As FTSS
threatens with his knife, Captain Mullet pushes a button
on the arm of his wheelchair. A precise and concentrated
blast from the secondary cannon plows FTSS straight into
the center of the earth with a crunchy, cone-shaped turd
lodged in his skull. WINNER: Captain Mullet
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