Satan Preacher
Do you know what
it's like to stand
across the ring from
pure evil? You're
about to find out
fucker, because one of
screendom's true
manifestations of
horror is here and
he's pissed. Satan
Preacher's here and
he's got just one thing
to say...no mercy!
Who, or what, is
hovering in hell's
crosshairs?
|
Vs.
| May's Head
May's severed head,
that's what. Sure this
floating deviant could
subdue everyone's
favorite raunchy
comedian Jackie Vernon,
but hell hath no fury
like a Satan Preacher
who's collection plate
of corpses is looking
a little thin. Tuck
your head beneath your
neck and kiss your chin
goodbye!
[thanks to badmovies.org for the
photo which we stole without
asking - we'll have to do that]
|
The Rulings
Brother Fistula;
Hey, I realize there’s a discrepancy in stature, but the
heads are the same size, and both you and I know that fighting
is cerebral. However, the lack of extremities seems to put
May’s Head at a severe disadvantage. She swoops in for the
head butt o’ death but gets drilled by a devastating backhand
bitch slap. Alright, we both know May’s Head doesn’t have a
leg to stand on here. Like any head worth its weight in
dandruff May’s Head knows she must take the cerebral approach
against such an unstoppable force of pure evil. She calls
in her secret weapon…Jerry and The Pacemakers (they may or
may not still be alive)! They swarm the ring and jump on
Satan Preacher’s back. May can now utilize her secret weapon,
her giant microwave. Satan Preacher starts to feel the effects
of the radiation, but does his best to slash through the
Pacemakers with his scalpel. Sorry May’s Head, you’re fucking
with pure evil. He devours the last of the Pacemakers and
drives the scalpel through the temple. The microwave may be
a deathtrap to anyone with a pacemaker, but Satan Preacher is
a deathtrap to anyone who gets in his way.
WINNER: Satan Preacher
Brother Ferox;
Generally I like heads that are cheesy, have glowing eyes,
and are capable of crushing legends.... even though it sucks
to see a legend crushed. However: May's head is approximately
worthless when facing Satan Preacher because she can't STOP
SATAN. Sorry, kid, you're just worthless in this.
Satan Preacher walks in, strobe lights a-flashin, and he
puts his satanic fucking boots into May's head's head's top
of the face..... well, whatever. Point three seconds later,
May's head is naught but a stain on the shoe of a metal-as-
fuck Satan Preacher.
WINNER: Satan Preacher
Brother Ragnorok;
As much as I love May’s Head, it doesn’t stand much of a
chance. I mean, a force of simple vengeance against the very
minister of Satan himself? May’s Head doesn’t even have a cool
locomotive ability like dragging itself along with its tongue
ala John Carpenter’s The Thing. Can you microwave the Devil?
You can microwave a burrito, which I’m sure the Devil loves to
eat as a tasty between-torture snack. You could for a need
microwave Potted Meat Food Product, which is close enough to
the Devil for me. Unfortunately for the Sinister Cerebellum,
increasing the Prince of the Power of the Air’s chances of
getting cancer probably isn’t going to impress him much. No
sex. No STV. No fucking chance for May’s Head.
WINNER: Satan Preacher.
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