Predator
You all know who Predator
is, come on now. Super-strong
alien big-game hunter with
gadgets that make Bond's stuff
look like the toys in an
infant's crib. Anyway, he
shreds...I mean, fights...
|
Vs.
| GAR
Um...well...GAR. Yeah,
ET's mongoloid brother from
Star Crystal. He can
play checkers really well,
but that's about it. I
think you know what's gonna
happen now.
*Note: Thanks to Andrew
over at badmovies.org for
the picture of Gar.
|
The Rulings
Brother Fistula;
I mean, like, duh. The pre-fight breakdown pretty much
covers it. The term "squash" was never more appropriate.
WINNER: Predator
Brother Ferox;
GAR comes into the ring with a Bible, trying to spread the
word of Jesus just like the people that we were just watching on
the Tele [yes, we were watching them, and no, they did NOT kick
our asses for the lord]. Predator comes into the ring and just
kind of looks at GAR strangely, not sure of what to do, as
Predator does not usually fight those without weapons. After
about seven seconds [or maybe less] of listening to GAR's
pointless drivel, Predator decides that GAR sucks enough that
killing him really would be a good thing for himself and
everyone else in existence, so he shreds GAR up, leaving a
pile of crap on the mat floor. It's about damned time that GAR
died. WINNER: Predator
Brother Ragnarok;
Yeah, well, Predator has been picking up the Praise-a-thon
on TBN all the way to Earth for this fight. He saw the guy who
looked like Fuad Ramses preach. He saw the big-hair lady. He's
had just about enough of Earthly testimony by now. His ship can
dimension-hop. He knows that God is actually just Frank Zappa
with a strap-on old guy beard. GAR makes one last attempt at
violence, extruding his slimy tentacle to attack, but Predator
dodges it, grabs on to it, and hurls the slimy vagina alien into
a turnbuckle. GAR's flimsy protoplasmic body splatters like so
much Jell-O. WINNER: Predator
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