Eegah;,The caveman from Arch Hall Sr.'s epic piece of prehistoric lovin' faces off against: Ator from Cave Dwellers, vs: The chubby yet completely unlovable star of Mitchell, Joe Don Baker. Ugh. The magnitude of the collision of these cosmically stupid and boring forces could bring about a rent in the subspace meniscus. What we're doing here is very dangerous and we're doing it for all of you because we love you. Last Man Standing
NOTE: Brother Ferox and Fedeler both know of Mitchell quite well... we'll get our say up soon, you hosers!!
8-31-00 Feature Match:
Brother Fistula: Clearly, if this was a wrestling match, Joe Don is too much of a chode to compete with these prehistoric badasses. Though Joe Don is the underdog, and that is usually good for his chances, Eegah and Ator momentarily join forces to subdue Baker before Eegah drops his fat ass with a prehistoric piledriver. 1-2-3. Ator and Eegah go at it for a good twenty minutes, which is mostly dominated by Eegah, which is really a testament to Ator's stamina and conditioning. Carrying a hub cap on your chest is good cardiovascular. Then, Ator gets his second wind, pummeling Eegah with right hands and hitting him with a devastating missle dropkick from the second rope. Still listening? Just as Ator is about to lay Eegah down, Arch Hall Jr., Eegah's costar and possibly the ugliest teen heartthrob ever, hits Ator in the back of the head with his guitar, ala Jeff Jarrett (on a sidenote, wouldn't we all like to hit Arch with his guitar when he starts singing Vickie?) Ator drops to his back, and Eegah climbs the top rope and nails Ator with a guillotine leg drop. 1-2-3. For those of you who haven't gotten bored and switched sites, Eegah wins the Bad Movie Heavyweight Title, anybody out there think they have the balls to take it away from him? Yes, I am a big wrestling fan, if you couldn't tell. WINNER: Eegah. Brother Ferox: First of all, JDB runs up to the ring, plastered off of his ass, because that's what he does. This brief stunt ends with his collapsing, since he's so damned out-of-shape that he's not able to keep up even this pace of action. The other two walk up to him, look at each other, and shrug. Neither of them knows what to do about him, so they leave him there and turn their focus to each other. Ator looks up to the sky, shakes violently a-la Ultimate Warrior, and produces a vile of a strange blue substance from his midieval crotch-pocket. Oh no! Whilst Ator's focusing his power into the Blue Stuff that his friend the Shitty Wizard gave him, Eegah's primitive urges take over, and he climbs the turnbuckles, waving his arms around like a fuckin' idiot. Then, to the crowd's amazement, he jumps off of the turnbuckle and - instead of jumping from it - tears the goddamned pole right from the ring!!! Ator turns to Eegah in order to cast his magickally delicious spell, and Eegah chucks the turnbuckle at his momentarily unfocused foe - but the two projectiles collide in midair!! What happens next is unbelievable. The spell - instead of destroying anything - turn the turnbuckle into a most vile object - a SOYBURGER!!! The object of undelight plops downward between the two contestants, landing right on top of Mr. Baker! Waking up momentarily, Joe Don sees the "food" on his chest and, in a stupor, reaches for it, closing his greasy fingers around the disgusting piece of non-meat. NO!!!! HE SHOVES IT DIRECTLY INTO HIS FACE, CAUSING AN INSTANT DEATH WORSE THAN ANY HE COULD HAVE FACED AT THE HANDS OF THE OTHER TWO CONTESTANTS!!! Both Ator and Eegah, seeing this ghastly sight, begin to puke profusely, losing more than their lunches - in fact, they both whork up their lungs, hearts, livers, and all sorts of other insides!! BOTH OF THEM DIE SIMULTANEOUSLY!!! In this unprecidented case, the referee is unsure of who to declare the winner. Wary of a draw in a situation where neither winner can take the title from the other later on, the ref decides that the one who inflicted the death upon the other two should be the winner - Joe Don Baker is the winner!! Joe Don promptly sits up, looks around, and says "Hey, what's the deal? I've eaten some pretty skanky stuff before... why the hell did you think that this would kill me?" At this point in time, history collapses, because no one - not even JDB - can survive a soyburger. It just can't possibly happen. WINNER: Joe Don Baker. Brother Ragnarok: I'm with Brother Fistula to start with. Joe Don has become fat and lazy and complacent after years of easy hookers and shooting civilians. He's out very early on, not even worth seeing. Eegah and Ator are unevenly matched in strenth, Eegah being obviously physically superior. However, Ator carries the intelligence, and when it comes to foriegn objects, creativity is vital. After a long and tiring bout of piledrivers, tombstones, and various other power moves, Ator runs from the ring. Just as he is about to be counted forfeit by cowardice, he flies back into the arena on his hangglider, dropping hotdog bombs as he goes. He flies the chronologically incorrect device to the top rafters of the arena, dropping the most crushing elbow in wrestling and caveman history. Eegah is driven clean through the mat into the floor beneath, and Ator hobbles away with the Bad Movie Heavyweight Title, wounded but victorious. WINNER: Ator. Final result: Ferox. Rulings: