The Rulings
Brother Fistula;
Deeply embittered by the recent loss of his father,
an uncharacteristically serious Arch comes to the ring,
promising to defeat Bud Cort and avenge the loss of his
father in the next round. Cort, enraged that Arch is
looking past him, sneaks up from underneath the ring and
cracks him a good one in the head. Though not a big man,
Cort compensates for his size, or lack thereof, by
striking and backing off, not letting Hall get his hands
on him. Cort thoroughly dominates Hall for the first
portion of the match, before he makes a key mistake and
misses a high risk senton bomb from the top rope. This
allows Arch to gather himself and “The Golden Arch,” a
signiture maneuver which is something like a frog splash.
Arch, with some help from his valet Roxy, gets hold of
his signature weapon, his guitar. He lets Cort gather
himself, and takes a swing... A miss! Cort kicks him in
the midsection, doubling him over, and DDTs him onto the
guitar, shattering the instrument and rendering Arch out
cold. No stranger to the top rope himself, Cort scales
to the top to execute his somersault leg drop: “The Cort-
ship of Deady’s Father”. While the referee is tending to
Arch, Tor Johnson appears from the crowd and grabs Cort
by the head and crushes it like an mushy grape. His
lifeless body falls from the turnbuckle and lands next
to Arch. Tor drapes Arch’s unconscious body over him,
therefore securing the victory for Arch Hall Jr. But why?
...the hell? As Arch pulls himself to his feet, Tor
grabs the microphone and makes his intentions known. You
want Tor? You got Tor! He head-butts him down to the
ground just before officials separate them and preserve
the violence when the two meet next round in an extremely
personal match! WINNER: Arch Hall Jr.
Brother Ferox;
Cort and Arch Hall both jump into the ring at the
same time, and both are ready for a fight. Arch takes
Cort down with a quick blow to the head with the guitar
[of course he had it to begin with], and Cort’s face gets
scrunched up. Cort falls over and loses track of
where he is. Then the nonfun begins. The auditorium is
silent. The skull is screaming. And the guitar: It’s
just warming up. Archie Jr. tunes up and begins to
strum: “Oh-oo-woah, Vickiiiiiii!” “Whaaat?” belts back
whatever chick played Roxy in that god-awful movie.
Every person in the crowd looks over to see what no one
in this world should be subjected to... Marilyn Manning,
Roxy, is now four hundred pounds more than she used to
be! “You ruined my acting career!” she hollers at Arch.
The gluttonous blob [be careful of the blob] uses gravity
to get moving, and begins a horrendous forward motion.
Arch, afraid of the creature outside of the ring, covers
himself and begins to cry. Cort, now recovered, sees
his chance and grabs the guitar out of Arch’s hand. BASH!
Arch’s skull becomes perforated, and Cort takes the
match. Hurrah! But instead of celebrating, Cort takes
off in the other direction – Roxy is out for revenge,
even if she can’t kill Arch. WINNER: Bud Cort
Brother Ragnarok;
The round begins as many do with blows from both sides.
Arch swings his guitar a few times, breaking it (much to
the delight of the crowd) and stunning Cort long enough
to do some real damage. Arch stomps on Cort’s foot which
causes his skull, still perforated from his lobotomy, to
pop open like a garbage can. Arch pulls Cort’s brain out
and boots it out of the ring. While Bud is shambling
around like a zombie, Arch runs from the ring, motoring
back in in his dune buggy, Roxy in tow. Her screams of
“WHEEEEE!” as they race around the ring reverberate in
the now-hollow skull of Bud Cort, the vibrations
setting up a trans-dimensional phase shift inside Cort’s
head. The mini-wormhole sucks Cort inside out before
blasting him out of our dimension and into a freezing limbo.
WINNER: Arch Hall Jr.
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