Kevin Bacon Vs. Ernest Borgnine

    
Brother Fistula;
    Ernest Borgnine kicks off this classic bout by unleashing a 
series of military projectile weapons from underneath his 
sweatervest.  Some fighting ensues, and Bacon finds himself flat 
on his ass.  Then, out of nowhere, Bacon unleashes his secret 
weapon, his mushroom cap (anyone who's seen Friday the 13th 
knows what I'm talking about)!  He shoots a steady stream of 
acidic cock snot all over Borgnine's face.  As it eats away at 
his face, he screams "McHale!!" one last time before his face 
melts away and he dies.  WINNER:  Kevin Bacon


Brother Ferox;
    The fight begins with the traditional trading of punches to 
the face, and Kevin Bacon begins to gain the advantage, due to 
the fact that he's not fat and old like Borgnine is.  Bacon 
stuns Borgnine, runs him into the turnbuckle, and begins to set 
up the tree of woe.  Before the task is finished, ol' Billy 
Shatner interrupts the fight with his classic line:  "Corbus!  
Goddamn you!"  Borgnine wakes up fully and remembers how he 
became Satan in The Devil's Rain.  Suddenly, Borgnine 
disappears, and in his place appears The Dev - I mean - Borgnine 
in makeup!!

    Goatmonster slash Ernest Borgnine grabs Bacon and starts 
gnawing on the side of his head.  Bacon retaliates by bashing 
Borgnine upside the head with the aforementioned mushroom cap, 
and Borgnine loses his makeup, thus his goatlike abilities run 
out.  Just when Bacon thinks he's got the fight wrapped up, 
Borgnine's immense eyebrows jump off of his face and burrow 
their way into Bacon's cheeks where they continue on to eat the 
rest of Bacon's head.  WINNER:  Ernest Borgnine


Brother Ragnarok;
    Bacon enters the ring and immediately injects himself with 
invisi-serum.  The now-invisible Bacon runs the ring, beating 
the shit out of the poor hapless Borgnine, who is completely 
powerless to stop the invisible blows coming to him from every 
corner.  But he has a secret weapon.  He unleashes the monstrous 
laser-guided jet-powered sea turtle from under his sweater 
vest.  The creature launches across the room, homing in on 
Bacon's heat signature.  The vicious creature sprouts huge 
warthog tusks ala his larger cousin Gamera and gouges Bacon's 
chest open, pulling his ribcage out.  Bacon screams in pain and 
drops in a bloody invisible heap to the ground.  WINNER:  Ernest 
Borgnine