Ferox's Lament

    
By Brother Ferox




      The length of this piece will be a bit heavy
  for this section, but fuck it.  I want to "speak
  on this", if you will.  I'll also move this to the
  editorials section in a day or two, but right now 
  I need to do this here because it's quick and I
  need quick.


      *Note:  This was originally on the front page
  for too damned long.




      College.  What a fucking trip.  Whores,
  jocks, drunks, fuckup administrators, and all
  around bad fucking people.  Well, not all of
  them, of course - some of them are us.



      Hah.  Aren't I Mr. Better Than Everyone?
  Fuck no -- but at least I'm not one of them.
  From a caseless perspective, college is one hell
  of an experience to say the least.  Sure, it might
  be an experience that's hurt like a motherfucking
  needle to the back of my face [from the front
  side through], but at least I sure as fuck know
  now how not to live my life.  If I can
  avoid being one of these people, I'll be just fine.



      Unfortunately, that's a difficult thing
  at times.  No, I've not taken up being a drunkard,
  and no, I don't listen to Hip Hop just yet [nor
  will I ever].  The change of which I speak is
  aggressive tendencies that I've discovered that
  until recently have only been expressed by violent
  words.



      I bash the fuck out of movies on this
  site, and it's been my release for quite a while
  now.  The problem stems from my busy times at
  college, which creates two seperate but related
  problems.



      Problem One:  I haven't done a damned
  thing for this site except for the occasional
  four-hour binge of construction.  I haven't
  been motivated at all to do this for the guys.
  Hell, it's supposed to be for me too.  I just
  haven't felt like it.  I'm working on that, and
  I resist/refuse to let myself give up something
  that means this much to me.  I need to get
  back on track, and it's mostly because college
  has made my head throb.



      Problem Two:  I haven't been home all
  that much lately, and there have been problems
  when I have been here.  For most of the school
  year, I was dating the girl known probably best
  to this crowd as "BFG" or "Brother Ferox's
  Girlfriend".  There's a reason I didn't take her
  to B-Fest... she couldn't possibly appreciate
  even the first film there, let alone 24 fucking
  hours of them.



      Fuck it, that's over.  You see, kids,
  she tried to cheat on me while we were going out.
  This happened two Sundays ago, and I'm just
  finally moving on now.  Why, you say?  Well,
  here's the rundown:



      This is the first relationship that
  I've ever really had.  I'm almost nineteen years
  old [June first], and I've had one relationship
  that's mattered.  Sure, I've had two-day flings
  before, but nothing real.  Nothing of substance.
  This one was it.  Then, after everything [the
  whole cheating on me bit, coupled with the fact
  that it was with one of my best friends at college,
  added to by her constant annoyances and want to
  "be friends" when I clearly just wanted her to
  fuck the hell fucking off] she fucked my synapse
  really hard.  I'd say that it was my heart, but
  the heart pumps blood and doesn't make emotions.
  I'm sure you all understand and care. Moving on...



      So, I was dating this whore.  I don't
  mind calling her that, because it feels fucking
  great to get this all out.  What's she going to do,
  anyway? Kick my ass?  Right.  Send her boyfriend/
  dad to kick my ass?  Right.  Even if they can, I'll
  get right back up and taunt the whore again.  Fuck
  her in the face.



      Sidetracked... dating this whore, I was.
  The kids here [other brotherhood guys plus friends
  of ours] didn't really take to her very well.  After
  a whole mess of diplomatic relations, I finally
  thought that I had worked everything out.  This is,
  of course, after I had comforted her for hours about
  how I could be strong and deal with both sides of
  the problem and love her no matter what anyone said
  and fucking be everything for her.  Oh well.  I guess
  she didn't want a guy who would give everything that
  he had to show unconditional love.  Fuck.  What else
  was I supposed to do?



      So, she fucked up a whole lot.  Because
  of the whole situation, though, I haven't done a
  damned thing for the site.  I'm honestly and
  seriously sorry for everything that I haven't and
  should have done.  I mean it.  I feel like I've been
  letting our three or so readers who haven't gotten
  annoyed and forgotten about us down.



      This whole situation has created an intense
  amount of stress for me.  I'm not even sure how
  to hold myself anymore.  Nothing is ever quite
  for sure for me now.  And, by the way, to top the
  entire thing off I've spent the last five days
  crying my damnable eyes out for my uncle Don
  Freerksen who died in a head-on collision in
  Minnesota last Friday.  He was just about the closest
  friend that our family has ever had, and I can't
  stand the idea of not seeing him and talking to him
  again.  Fuck, this is the first big death that I've
  had to deal with apart from my grandpa when I
  was too young to comprehend death or its
  implications.



      You know, I'm sure that the other guys will
  be pissed off that I took up this much space to
  write this.  Did it need to be written in the first
  place?  I think so.  Should I have posted it?  Yeah.
  On the front page?  Probably not.  Oops, I guess.
  I'll change it before too long.  Maybe it can stay
  for a week... it'd make me feel a lot better just
  to have my words out here.  We'll see.  Nothing is
  really for sure, which has been my theme since Friday.
  I'm working that out, too.



      You know, there really is a moral to this
  story and a thread to tie this plot to one coherent
  idea.  This entire piece has been, for the most
  part, my bitching and moaning about how terrible
  my life is and how much I hurt right now.  Doesn't
 that sound familiar?  Hmmmm.... I'll bet that I
  could turn the radio on and directly hear something
  somewhat similar to what I've been saying, only in
  much more direct and... shall we say...
  moronified phrases.



      So, does this writing make me what I hate -
  one of those bitchy little kids who can't have it
  right no matter how hard he tried even though life
  has never ever been hard for him?  Of course it
  doesn't.  I'm not a rap-metal star.  I'm also not
  one of those damnable bastards at college.  Instead,
  this is real emotion.  This is care for people and
  for the world at large.



      My fucking sworn enemies [and I'm not exaggerating
  here], Linkin *fucking shudder* Park, say that "in
  the end it doesn't even matter".  Well I say it
  does.  I say that all that we have here in this
  bit of life that we've been given [by whatever, I
  don't care if it's God or evolution - we're here]
  is our ability to create for ourselves a moral
  dedication to the good.  The good is what we want,
  but not in too general of a sense.  Some people
  want to rape others.  On them I wish death.



      In other words, the good is the chunk of things
  that we wish for that bring contentment to ourselves
  and others without disrupting things that need
  not be disrupted.  If we see an old lady being
  mugged, we can go ahead and morally take that
  fucker out.  That is the good.  If our parents
  don't care that we want to go out and drink some
  hard liquor [beer is moose piss] and we feel like
  it and we're not driving and everyone is safe
  and enjoying themselves, then that is the good.
  If we want to dedicate everything that we have to
  others for any reason to help them and sacrifice
  for ourselves willingly - that, my friends, is
  the good.  We need not limit ourselves but for a
  few ways as to the good's ways.



      This year in college has brought a lot to my
  attention.  I've discovered these thoughts plenty
  of times before, but until now I haven't developed
  them into full and presentable thoughts.  Well, here
  they are.  They takeu p a few pages on the monitor.
  Are they worth reading?



      I sure hope that someone finds comfort in what
  I've said.  I've found comfort in writing it.




                            Very much sincerely,

                                    Brother Ferox


      Feel like talking to me about any of this?  >>Please do.<<

    Or, add me on Yahoo messenger.  I'm ebonicsmonk.



Okay, now how about clicking here to

 read some more complaints? We didn't type them for nothing!