Drugs and Dirty Rats

    
By Brother Ragnarok



      There’s been a disturbing trend I’ve noticed here lately.  
We’ve been way too nice.  I’ve read nary a death threat
or a violently opinionated rant for quite some time in
our reviews, and I’ve been responsible for quite a few
of them.  It’s time to crank the heat back up.  



      Not too long ago, some goddamn pedophile was “rehabilitated”
and set free in the neighborhood not too far from where
Malorie (my girlfriend, for those who haven’t been paying
attention) lives.  While I worked at the radio station, I
got a few calls about people being concerned with similar
cases in other towns nearby.  



      This got me thinking, why the hell are we letting these people
go?  Is every single person in a position of authority
completely retarded?  Or is the world just too fucking
scared of being sued for actually doing its goddamn job? 
Probably both.  But these people should be executed, not
let off for smiling pretty for the warden.  And it also got
me thinking about drugs.  No, not those kind of drugs.  And
about lab rats.  Doesn’t make sense, you say?  Well, you’ll
see.  There is a point to all this.  Just read on.



      Obviously, testing any experimental new drug on humans for the
first time is going to involve skating on some pretty thin
ethical ice.  If the drug causes any serious side effects 
in the lab animals, even more so.  If a rat kicks it because
of some previously undiscovered bug in the juice, so be it
and back to the drawing board.  The ASPCA can be ignored up
to a point.  But if you accidentally croak a human, there’ll
be hell to pay.  A rat’s family can’t take you to court.  



      There will always be difficulties in ethical issues testing things
on humans.  Most people think that since we wear pants and
drive cars that destroy our protection from the deadly radiation
of the sun, we’re better than everything else and therefore the
entire world is our playground.  


      Personally, I’m all for testing human products on humans,
though.  Whatever disease the drug is for, it was our problem
to begin with.  I’ve never heard of a guinea pig with AIDS
until they gave it to them in the labs.  The poor animals
shouldn’t have to be poisoned and tortured on some off chance
that a few years could be added to an already sick and miserable
person’s life.  Just pull the plug and be happy there’s no more
pain.  I’m not one of those bleeding-heart vegetarian “animals
are people too” wackos, but I’m also not sadistic (usually). 
Sure, cows are good to eat, but that doesn’t mean I’d like to
see one tortured to death.


      Humans, on the other hand, suck.  All we do is rape and kill and
make each other miserable, and to the best of my knowledge
we aren’t terribly good to eat, either.  So, here’s my plan
for a way to test experimental drugs on humans with little
to no moral or ethical backlash.  Fuck this “the child molester
behaved very nicely this year, let’s reintroduce him back into
society right next to a preschool” bullshit.  Pump that sick
motherfucker full of experimental drugs.  And shoot it up his
ass with a hose the size of a zucchini.  See how he likes it.
Same goes for rapists and killers.  



      Just make sure the killer wasn’t a vigilante killing some sick
fuck who messed with his girlfriend because all the cops
were too busy wiggling their thumbs around in their asses
to do anything about it.  In that case, give the man a medal
and let him go.



      I hardly think too many people would object testing potentially
life-saving drugs on the scum of the earth.  Their families
probably wouldn’t like the idea, but that’s their problem. 
The way I see it, when you violate someone’s basic rights by,
say, raping them, you lose all your rights.  The minute you’re
convicted you get labeled as a test subject and get sent to a
lab to be used as a guinea pig.  And if the drugs prove successful
and the test subject doesn’t die, cover him with pretty girl-cow
scent and toss him in a pen with a horny bull for an hour or
two.



      Provided you can cut through all the stupid red tape, get the
right-wing religious nuts off your back, and create some
kind of loophole that negates any lawsuit posed by the
next-of-kin of whatever pole-smoking criminal you’re testing
the drugs on, it’s a flawless plan.  Well, nearly.  There will
still be the issue of whether or not they caught the right guy,
but you’re dealing with that already, and now all they’re doing
is electrocuting them or killing them with some kind of wussy
lethal injection anyway (there‘s a whole different editorial right
there), so if they must sacrifice their life, why not make it for
a noble cause?  Or, if that whole scenario seems a little too
extremist for you, you can always just pay people to be the test
group like they do now.



      Now all the poor animals can go back to being killed by irresponsible
little children who can’t take care of their pets properly.
It’s still not a perfect world, but they’re not being poisoned,
at least.  So remember, Texas, have your children spayed or
neutered.  There are way too many unwanted rednecks out there
as it is.

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