This Movie: The Plot BrainWave Ratings Elsewhere Reviews Index Chuddings You pick em!

Director(s): Alvin Rakoff Producer(s): Derek Gibson & Harold Greenberg Writer(s): Jack Hill & David P. Lewis (story) John Robins (screenplay) Editor(s): Mike Campbell - wonder why he never got another editing job? [Note: He sucks] Actor Name: Character Name: Description George Kennedy *Cringe* Captain Ashland Rotund asshole possessed by Nazi ship captain. Richard Crenna (REAL ACTOR!) Trevor Marshall Our hero - The Big K's 2nd in command. Nick Mancuso Nick Stole Bigfoot's Teleporter - Jumped through a wall. Sally Ann Howes Margaret Marshall Trevor Marshall's wife Survives the death ship. Kate Reid Sylvia Old woman, turned into corn smut by Nazi peppermints. Victoria Burgoyne Lori British whore. Enjoys a good Cleveland Steamer, I bet! Jennifer McKenney Robin Marshall Trevor's precocious daughter. Danny Higham Ben Marshall The whiz kid (No, not in a smart way). Saul Rubirek Jackie Leader of the Pepe's shitty lounge band. Hitler Hitler In an old propaganda film. --- The Record Player Make it stop!! --- The Death Ship Possessed Nazi interrogation ship.

    Starts with a promising shot of an eerie ship sailing the seas
with no crew.  Cut to the Pepe, a cruise ship with a fed-up captain
(Kennedy).  Marshall and his wife and kids are also introduced.  His
son has a bladder the size of a damn pea.  The Death Ship shows up
on their radar during the captain's dinner and plows into the Pepe,
sinking a model ship in the director's bathtub.  The death ship 
apparently attacks by leaping from different time zones, as it's 
approximately noon on the Nazi vessel and it's night where the Pepe
is.


    The next day the survivors are shown floating on a fire door or
something from the sunken ship.  Kennedy floats UP FROM THE DEPTHS
THIRTY STORIES... sorry.  Anyway, he floats up and they drag his fat
waterlogged ass on board.  None of them show any concern that hundreds
of their fellow passengers were just killed.  And that ship was hit
supposedly at night.  How long was Kennedy underwater?  Further proof
of his otherworldly origins.  The death ship, huge as it is, sneaks
up behind them somehow, brining with it terrifying perpetual NOON!!
AIIEE!  Sorry.


    Anyway, they try to climb aboard, and after the ship drops its fire
escape ladder into the ocean and spews oil all over them, they eventually
get on board.  And Marshall's son once again has to go, so he pisses
on the deck.  Probably a bad idea.  A winch grabs the band leader
(Saul Rubirek, another real actor!  He appeared in TV's Frasier
most recently) and dangles him for a bit before dropping him into the
ocean.  He gets caught in the undertow and drowns, probably gets nailed
by the prop too.  Still unfazed, the hungry characters go looking for
food on a ship that's been abandoned for fifty years.  Yep, it'll
be well-stocked with fresh food.  Sure.  Weird stuff starts happening
that should tell these morons that there's something besides rust
in this old ship.


    Record players play creepy music with no operator.  The cobweb
covered (spiders at sea?) phone rings and no one's there.  Ashland
has a dream that connects him with the dead Nazi captain.  While all
this happens, Nick gets nailed in the head by a flying block & tackle.
While the rest of the survivors are watching Nazi propaganda films
which are all in English (?), Nick and Trevor find the engine room.
Sylvia eats some haunted peppermints and gets turned into corn smut
while Ashlands's possession becomes final.  They all decide to abandon
their sick captain to watch a goofy music video (!?), while Ashland
returns to the land of the living and kills Sylvia.  He blames it on a
stroke and they bury her at sea.  This dumping was accompanied by much
"Coyote falling off a cliff" sound effects from myself and Brother
Fistula.


    The rest of the characters lower lifeboats in an attempt to escape,
but they float away before they can get to them.  Ashland symbolically
takes the wheel and puts on an old Nazi uniform.  He berates Marshall
for not being able to handle captainhood and Marshall leaves him telling
him he's crazy.  Nick and Lori go off to have sex, and when they're
finished, the evil shower soaks Lori with blood and she presumably
dies of fright as there wasn't enough to drown her.  The kids have
wandered off and are found by Ashland, who proceeds to throw Lori's
bloody body overboard, cinching everyone's belief that he's evil. Nick
and Trevor run from him in SLOW MOTION for some reason and find a cell
full of dead Jewish prisoners.  I guess Nick's Jewish because he totally
freaks out and runs screaming.  They wind up in the projection room
where the evil projector continues to play Nazi parade footage.  Nick at
this point teleports somehow to the deck of the ship and falls in the
hold where Ashland drowns him in a cargo net full of corpses.  Trevor and
his family find a freezer full of more dead people, take some survival
gear from them, and make a break for it, lowering an inflatible raft
they found.  The kids make it off the ship but Ashland kicks Trevor's
ass and throws his wife in a closet.  Trevor comes back to kick Ashland's
ass, rescues his wife, and they jump to the raft and safety.  


    The ghosts are pissed by Ashland's failure, and they drive him nuts.
He shoots up the wheel room which magically repairs itself, and he runs
to the engine room.  He's hit by one of his own ricocheting bullets and
falls into a cog wheel, where he is crushed into slimy pulp. Trevor
and his family are picked up by a Coast Guard chopper, and the evil
ship sails away to find another boat to destroy.


What's a BrainWave?



Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok


Begin.
I wish I was illiterate so I didn't have to read that. 
Our good pal George is in this flick, and it promises to scare the b'jesus out of us... probably not in a good way, either! 
FBI Warning:  This movie is going to suck! 


10 Min.
She's getting down with Ortega. That must be how AIDS got started. 
Damn the passengers?!?  No, damn YOU, Kennedy!  So far, so decent.  It's laughable atable. 
Sir, there's a mountain on the radar. 


20 Min.
How did these jackasses survive?  Do they even care that hundreds just plunged to their deaths? 
I wish the kid would control his bladder... that's not funny, it's annoying. 
Just piss in the drink.  The fish do it. 


30 Min.
He's awfully chipper for having just survived a boat crash.  Shuffle board rules! 
Note to self:  Playing in undertow NOT THAT MUCH FUN - even when trying to reach the thingy. 
Watch out for flying hoists!  Ouch! 


40 Min.
Richard Crenna and his wife have identical breasts.  I wonder who did the breast feeding. 
Not everything you learn in school is useless:  Knowing the word 'condensation' helps... somehow. 
Eewww, his hair is leaking. 


50 Min.
Okay, why was that movie in English? 
Hey - the Germans enjoyed cheesy pianoman / small dancing dude flicks too! 
Don't eat Nazi peppermints, they turn you into corn smut! 


60 Min.
Just piss your bed, I'm sure you've urinated on everything else onboard by now.
Damn you, George!  No one loves you, not even the Nazis - and damn this movie while you're at it. 
Y'know, this movie is starting to grow on me.  Kinda like barnacles. 


70 Min.
Bloody shower, huh?  Yeah, fuck originality (shitty movie). 
The boy, Rowsdow - I mean - Kennedy! 
Feels like that damn slow motion scene was the entire first half of the movie. 


80 Min.
This ship needs blood I guess.  Maybe the shower's empty. 
Save me from this awful movie, Trumpy - I promise not to pee on you! 
I'm proud to say I have a poster of this movie! 


End.
Just think, this pile of horseshit is the best George Kennedy movie I've ever seen. 
The wicked witch is dead!  Well, it was nothing less than stupid, but we survived. 
Decent flick.  Good atmosphere.  Not as bad as you'd expect.  One of my favorite ghost movies. 











[Guest Review!] >> Sean Freerksen:  Well, George Kennedy is fat and
the editor sucks - but it was filmed in color, which is a plus.  2.

[Guest Review!] >> Fedeler:  Easily not the worst movie ever.  
For that one see The House That Vanished. This movie itself
was actually funny in parts.  Because it didn't suck all ass
(just most of it) I give it a 1


Brother Fistula:  George Kennedy jumps up from Hell, accompanied 
by his legion of Satanic pigeons and drops this damned movie in 
our laps.  Okay, so maybe it wasn't so bad.  I had fun.  Ahhhh!  
I was just possessed!  The power of Christ compels me!  2
    


Brother Ferox:  Jesus... George, why?  Why must you torment us 
like this?  Why must you suck so damned much?  Why does the ship 
need blood?  Why do I care?  NO!!!  I will not be defeated by 
this movie!  I think that I'll go ahead and stay with my 
original rating of this terrible monstrosity [George is the 
terrible monstrosity, not the movie!]... IT WAS FUN!!  It's 
decent - but not on your own. Don't even try this on your own.  
I warn you. - 3
    



Brother Ragnarok:  Okay, this movie had a promising idea.  It 
had the potential for a good creepy atmosphere, and the ship 
looked kinda cool.  Obviously this is not a GOOD movie by any 
means.  The Antichrist of Film is in it.  But it's still a cool 
ghost story.  One of the better I've seen, not being a big fan 
of ghost stories.  Some of the scenes were actually quite 
effective and slightly creepy. - 3.5
    


Average:  2.375

Come sail away...with SATAN!