Fistula: Have you ever looked really close at a nipple? I mean not
just while in a sexual encounter, I mean put your head right
next there and examined it closely. Do you like what you see?
Fedeler: Don't eat yellow snow. Or Peeps.
Ragnarok: Given that the universe is infinite, and that there are
a finite number of inhabited worlds, and that any finite number
divided by infinity is so small as makes no odds, anyone you
meet from time to time is simply the product of a deranged
imagination (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy).
Fedeler: I went to NIACC yesterday for careerish type day
thing. There was a college there named Gustavus Adolphus.
That's funny.
Fistula: Have you ever tried to make a cat look at itself in the
mirror? Why won't they look? I mean, they chase their own
tails on occasion, you'd think they'd fall for it.
Ragnarok: Regarding Fedeler's Chud - Peeps are spraypainted poop.
That's my theory.
Fedeler: Butt Weasels are quite an amusing concept. Think
about it for a while, a weasel that eats butt. Yuck.
Fistula: In the future, I think that all the non 14 year old girls
of the world will band together in one awe-inspiring mob to
eliminate all the boy bands. I hope it's soon, I can't take it
any more.
Ragnarok: When an author writes a story, they don't put all that
stupid hidden metaphorical meaning in it. Blame that on the
damn hippies at Starbucks. It's all their fault.
Fedeler: Andy Rooney rocks. WHY IS IT THAT he does?
Fistula: Here's one. If your church tells you in any way that
you're going to Hell if you don't follow what your particular
religon says, is the entire eastern part of the world going to
be there? Are we going to their Hell? Does their Hell have the
same good music that ours does? If it dosen't, wouldn't it
stand to reason that our Hell is better, and you should strive
to go there instead? I mean, by this logic, you have to go to
at least one, so why not rock?
Fedeler: If you have to go to one, and you go to Heaven, are
you actually in Eastern hemisphere hell? And since Heaven is
the ultimate state of being, and it is actually eastern
hemisphere hell, what is their heaven?
Ragnarok: I'll bet in their Heaven you have to listen to Olivia
Newton John and Styx all day.
Fistula: When did courdoroy pants come back into style? I missed
that one. Too bad. I'm still waiting for leisure suits, I'm
all over that one.
Ragnarok: If olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?
|
Ragnarok: If people were food, which parts would be what?
Would little kids be veal?
Fistula: If you put every "actor" from the god awful piece of crap
movie The House that Vanished in a steel cage and made them
fight George Kennedy and Sean Connery, who would win? If you
ask me, Connery and Kennedy would kill all of them, but then get
in a fight themselves. George Kennedy would shoot a flaming
ball of spooge at Connery, and it would melt off his beard, but
then Connery would stomp a hole in his damn head. Does this
matter at all?
Ragnarok: Christopher Hall from Stabbing Westward can scream like
a banshee. Great band. Pantera rocks, too, but they should
never have tried to cover Black Sabbath's "Planet Caravan."
Don't sing, Phil.
Fistula: While we're talking about bands, does anybody know what
happened to Green Day? Let's think about it for a second. When
a band goes away, one of three things usually happen. They
either break up, one of the members dies, or they put out two or
three crappy albums, fade into oblivion, and end up playing at
state fairs or The Surf. My opinion? They were either sucked
into a riff in the space-time continuum, or they were frozen
with Walt Disney. What do you think?
|
Ragnarok: Why does everything from Bath and Body Works smell like
apples? Even the stuff that isn't supposed to? Has anyone else
noticed this? And while we're on the subject of things that
smell different than they're supposed to, my girlfriend has some
nail polish, yes, scented nail polish, that's supposed to smell
like apples and cinnamon. It smells like soap. I find this to
be an odd phenomenon.
Fistula: Here's one for all you lesbian fans out there (you know
who you are). Did you ever notice that in the movies, lesbians
are all about groping and fingering each other, and doing all
sorts of homoerotic things? Now look at the so-called real life
lesbians you know (everybody knows at least one). Their
activities are as follows: They occasionally hold hands in
public, make out at drunken parties when everyone is watching,
and then have sex with their boyfriends. I'm not a huge fan of
lesbians, but it just sort of makes you think.
Fedeler: What is the point of the The Movie in the title
Superman: The Movie? Isn't it obvious that it is a movie if you
are in the theater or rented it?
Fistula: Here's an update on a previous chud. Back on the 15th, I
chudded about the band Green Day. In that chud, I said that
Green Day was gone and they were never coming back. Good news
friends. As we speak, Billie Joe, Mike, and Tre' are in the
studio putting out their sixth album. Look for it in October.
All's right with the world again.
|
Okay, well, after a long hiatus, we're back and chudding again.
Enjoy.
Ferox: Super-red jello drop dead the crucifix is NOT the
correct lyric for Static-X's 'Fix'... but it sure is fun to yell!
Fistula: Hi everyone. After a long, painful summer where I
accomplished absolutely nothing and have never been in such deep
misery, I arrived at only one conclusion. If you think about
it, dosen't a space heater sound like a Cleveland steamer
administered out in space? Thanks to Reverend Horton Heat for
making my summer so deep. Somebody send help, I need something
to do.
Ragnarok: Butt stubble. It's what happens when you shave your
arse. Think about that for a few minutes. Is it really worth it?
Ragnarok: Ever notice how girls always complain that us guys have
urinals? "It's so unfair!" Not so. Girls have never had the
horrifying experience of having to use the most explicitly
revolting torture device known to moderately civilized man. The
urinal trough. Any of those of you who have ever been to a
state fair or a game at the Metrodome and have had to take a
leak know what I mean. Standing uncomforably close to ten or
fifteen sweaty, drunken redneck mongoloids with their beer
bottles placed precariously on the ledge above their free-
flopping dingi. And they don't seem to care if they hold it or
not, or if they flick ball-sweat on you when they scratch their
neanderthalian testicular area.
Fistula: Well said. I think the urinal trough is just part of the
State Fair experience. Hello, welcome to Iowa. Having attended
several events at the Metrodome, one just recently (sorry about
your car Fedeler) I had a wild idea. Haven't you ever wanted to
urinate all over those beer bottles teetering on the brink of
the trough? You'd get away with it too. I know what you're
thinking, rednecks are very protective of their beer, but whilst
you're thinking about that, ponder this.
1) Many guys tend to urinate while staring at the ceiling, and
2) Beer pretty much tastes like urine anyway.
I know people who drink urine, and you might too.
Fistula: News Flash! News Flash! Gym class sucks. Taking 40 or 50
people and putting them on one half of the gym and
saying "Here's a ball, play for an hour" is about on par with
watching The House That Vanished or competing in a sheep
shearing contest.
Ragnarok: Gym class makes it sound too innocent. I prefer "redneck
nazi forced labor camp."
|
Fistula: Funny story. I was sitting at home the other day, when
I got a hankerin' for some Golden Crisp. As a rule, I always
check the expiration date on the milk, and this particular
container still had a day left. After eating the cereal, it hit
me that the fridge had not been working the last couple of
days. Imagine my horror.
Ferox: Haha! Looking back and listening to our (Caplata's)
disc, I've found that even though we're not good as, say, Fear
Factory, Machine Head, American Head Charge, etc. - I still feel
really good aboot being a part o this... only a few days ago I
was pissed off because we weren't as good as my idols, I don't
know why I suddenly feel good.. oh well, eh?
Ragnarok: Just so you all know, I won a poster of Death Ship on
Ebay not all too long ago. I just wanted you to know that I'm
going to put up a portal to George Kennedy's realm in my room.
Ferox: Hey, what's the natural reaction if someone walks up to
you on the street and does this: *Motioning that I'm creating a
large sphere of intense energy between my hands, then BUGAT!!! ,
I blast at j'all!*. Do you run away? Do you fight me with your
OWN energy blast? Do you fall over? I DON'T KNOW! WHAT DO YOU
DO?!?
Fistula: If you're looking for a career that will give you funny
stories later on, why not take up proctology? While looking at
someone's anus may seem odd, seeing someone with a model of the
Eiffel Tower crammed systematically in the butt will get your
buddies roaring everytime.
|
Fistula: This one's a little more serious than my previous few. We
all know that schizophrenics turn to the voices in their heads
for advice. What if the voices have nothing to say? What is
you've got a very important decision to make, and the voices go
silent. I guess you just go at it by yourself. I was listening
to Pearl Jam the other day (I love Pearl Jam, Eddie you are wise).
One of my favorite PJ songs is State of Love + Trust (which you
may remember from Singles), which is about this very scenario.
Ragnarok: There's something evolving in our school's dumpster. It
smells like it's beginning to ferment, and I wouldn't be surprised
if something crawled out and demanded civil rights before too
much longer. Beware the Muffin People.
Fistula: Fuck pretentious people. I'm sick and tired of people who
share interests with you and are cool, and then in public or
around a different set of people completely turn on you, and
then pretend it never happened and everythings cool. Fuck you
and your mother.
Ferox: Every day I seem to have an unending supply of useless
gibberish and poo... until it's time to actually say something.
What's my dilly, yo?
Fistula: Wow, I'm getting all serious today. Here's a stupid one.
Lately I've found myself annihilating my gums when I brush my
teeth. Every single day, I bang my gum line and it hurts and
burns for a week. You'd think after brushing my teeth everyday
for about 18 years (except from between 8 and 10, when I really
had a thing against brushing them) you'd be able to avoid such a
simple mistake. My theory is either karma or I need a better
toothbrush.
Ragnarok: Why do people say "Congratulations!" when you get
married, graduate, or have a baby? I think this tradition is
rather insulting.
Graduation: "Congratulations! You're not the total mongoloid
we thought you were! You made it through high school!"
Weddings: "Congratulations! You're not a total loser and found
someone gullible enough to marry your sorry ass!"
Pregnancy: "Congratulations, you're not impotent!" Ouch.
Fistula: I'd like to send a long distance thank you to our friends at
the Nickolodeon channel for bringing Ren and Stimpy back. It's one
of the best shows ever. Love ya!
Ferox: Don't ever try to explain to a "homie hoo nos his syt"
(translation: Homie who knows his shyxt) about how easy it is
to type out the remaining two letters in the words "you" and
"are" as opposed to "U" and "R". Also, on the same note, don't
try to explain that the word "agen" is NOT slang for "again",
it's moron-speak.
Fistula: Have you ever felt completely helpless? I have. Try to
explain to a drunken, stoned gangsta wanna-be what a lawn gnome
is. Lawn gnomes are such a fundamental part of life for you and
me, but they just don't understand.
Ragnarok: Everyone is afraid of getting sued. Why is it that on
the news, even if it's painfully obvious that the person DID
blow up the building or whatever, that they say allegedly. STOP
DOING THAT! The bloody nutcase DID snap and kill all those
people with an AK-47 from the top of the water tower. There's
no possible way anyone could say, "No, he didn't do that, you're
slandering the poor psychopath!" and proceed to sue the station.
Stop being so bloody PC.
Fistula: First off, I try not to be racist or homophobic, I'm
totally open minded. So if this offends anyone or changes
anyone's view of me as a person, I apologize. Here we go. I'm
sure I'm not the only one that realizes white people will
instantly rip off any black fad. Rap music, big pants, gold
teeth and chains, the works. Citing this, here is a really
funny trick our African-American friends could play on our
gangsta wanna-bes. Have a big press conference, with Snoop
Dogg, Dr. Dre, and any other prominent rappers. First of all,
they could gut Nelly, he sucks all ass. Second, Snoop goes on
record as saying that it's cool to be gay and anyone who is is
bouty-bouty. This would set off a chain reaction with all the
wiggaz performing homosexual relations with each other. They'd
all get purple triangles tattooed over their thug life ones. A
month passes. Snoop goes on record as saying it was all a joke,
and he's not really gay. Let this be a lesson to all you wigga
fake ass double-o-g bling blingin' home boyz. This would work
too. Snoop, if you're out there, get at me dogg, I'll help you
set it up.
|
Fedeler: Hoo-ah! I've hacked [hax0red] into the website! (Not
really, I just remembered the password). Anyway, I'm going to
explain something. Well, I was gone for a long ass time, and I
still am. See, I have class on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and
Friday, while the others don't. Those bastards decided to be
smarter than me, and only take class on Wednesday. This proved
to be a problem. As you can see, I've been gone for a while now,
and I'm only now doing this because I don't have to be to class
for another 45 minutes. Anyways, just thought I'd clear that
up for everyone who cares (yeah, people remember me, sure...).
That and I've not seen anything new on here since November and
it's been bothering me. I leave you with this: When the moon
hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that could hurt. Alot.
HAHAHAHAHA!
|
Fedeler: Well, I'll be damned. Nobody has complained about me
showing up magically all of a sudden. Oh well. Anyway, I was
listening to music today that got me thinking about killing people.
No one in particular, just people. So, the point of this
chudding is that I want to relay a quote that strikes me as good.
It goes something like this(I say something, because I don't know
exactly how it goes. Y'see, I don't even remember where I heard it,
all I know is I like it): "If you kill a man, you're a murderer.
If you kill a million men, you are a conquerer. But, if you kill
everybody, then you are a god." Now, I am in no way condoning you
going out and trying to achieve god status (unless you just mostly
kill everyone, leaving me and the people I like, then it's probably
ok), but it's something to think about, no?
...Wow, that wasn't funny...here's something else:
What's the deal with conditioner? You put it into your hair, and
it disappears. There is no lather going on, it just goes away.
Where does it go? Is it hiding inside of your hair, waiting for
you to try to wash it out? That's my theory. Conditioner is a
superintelligent hair product, always trying to mount a sneak attack
when you least expect it. Damn, that was almost as stupid as
Ferox's "White scare". Sorry. I guess I've run out of semi-
intelligent ideas for today, so I'll leave now.
|
Brother Ragnarok: Happy April Fool's Day, motherfuckers!
Fistula, Ferox, and myself just got back from about the coolest
concert I've seen in a long time. If you didn't catch a show on
the Perfect Circle tour, you missed out. Great stuff. Hope to
see Tool on the tour for their upcoming record as well. Amyway,
on to the chudding. I'll bet you all think that just because we
sludge through all this crap that none of us have any class.
Oh, well fuck you too, you're probably right, but still, we do
occasionally enjoy something a little more high-brow than the
Shaw Brothers and Mario Bava. Now, don't send me any damn hate
mail about Mario Bava being a genius, okay? I love Italian gore
cinema just as much as the next Hell-spawn, but they're not good
movies. They're good in a bad way, okay? I gotta explain
everything to you. Anyway, on to my chud. Wow, that took a
while, didn't it? Okay, well, watching well-done Shakespeare
like Kenneth Branagh's version of Hamlet is a lot of fun.
Great stuff. But sitting down and just straight up reading one
of the Bard's plays from the script like a book is comparable
to being bludgeoned to death with a trout. Ick.
|
Fedeler: Ha! The Anonymous Chudder is back! (Wait, I'm not
Anonymous if I put my name...DAMMIT!) Oh well, here's what I've
got to say. Now, we all know that thinking is good. However,
overthinking things is bad (trust me on this one). Now, it has
been documented that Stabbing Westward is great thinking music,
but it often has the effeect of making one want to hang oneself.
Captain Obvious says "This is bad." I have discovered a way around
this though: a slinky. Everybody knows that a slinky can be great
fun, but who knew that they were useful? Y'see, as near as I can
figure it, Stabbing Westward gets you thinking (Life, the Universe,
Everything, etc.), but juggling a slinky (metal of course) stops you
from overthinking. Try it at home kids, but if it doesn't seem to work,
please discontinue use immediatly.
(disclaimer)
Slinkys are not for the use of everyone. In test groups, common side
effects included, but are not limited to, drymouth, nausea, migrain
headaches, insomnia, narcolepsy, dyspepsia, oily discharge, sudden
loss of bladder control, osteoperosis, asthma, a burning sensation
while urinating, paranoia, apathy towards government officals and their
view on supply side economics, extreme weight gain, the urge to grow
a mullet, and severe bleeding from every orifice in your body. These
occurances were similar to ones described by test groups using the sugar
slinkys. If you experience any of these symptoms, contact your local
poison control center immediately. If you, or anyone you know has any
information concerning tonight's cases, contact your local law
enforcement agency, or call, toll free 1-800-876-5353. For more
information, see our ad in Guns and Ammo. Take control of your life.
Slinky.
Hey, it's me again, I'd like to apologize for that one. Sorry.
|
Brother Ragnarok: We're working on getting Fedeler some medication.
As I was munching from a can of chow mein noodles I found here at the
radio station, I got to thinking, If I ever had a candid shot of
me in a magazine for some reason, I'd want it to be of me munching
from a can of chow mein noodles. They were probably someone
else's noodles, but I don't care. They were quite tasty.
Here's something else funny. It actually fucked up my reading on
the air this morning. You'd think someone who works in the production
department of a professoinal radio station would take some care in
making sure that paid announcements from businesses would be done
correctly. You know, free of typos, easily read, that kind of
thing. Well, here's one I read today: This KGLO weather update is
sponsored by the Surf Ballroom who welcomes back all you snowbirds!
Get ready for another years of smooth, dancing, big band sounds
staring with the Sammy Jensen orchestra this sunday nite at the Surf!
Jesus H. Christ, people. Go back to fucking elementary school. This
whole website has fewer typos than that. That's mostly because I'm
an anal perfectionist about this kind of thing and it drives me
nuts, but I don't think proofreading one goddamn paragraph is too
far beyond the call of duty, do you?
|
Fedeler: OK, I've got one thing to say, and then I'm done. Everyday
that I eat lunch at school, I buy a Sunny Delight Orange Juice
thing/beverage. Everyday, I shake it up (pulp at bottom=bad {come
to think of it, would that even have pulp in it? Hmmm...}), and
everyday I get my hands spurted on. This wouldn't bother me if it
didn't say right on the side "Non-Carbonated". Now, Tori says that
it's because of the vacuum seal, poor naive girl, I know that the
Pepsi-Cola company is out to get me. They know that I know too much
(about what, I'm not quite sure) and they are out to humiliate me
by giving me orange juicy smelling, sticky (from the orange juice,
Ragnarok) hands. Now, all I have to figure out is, what do I know
about Pepsi (besides that it has a delicious and addicting flavor)?
As soon as I know, I'll tell you all. Just don't let Pepsi know
that I'm onto them, deal?
|
9-20-01: |
Ragnarok: Here's a little follow up to the last chud. I get up this
morning to go to class and what do I see on our message board but a note
to not play our music so loud in the mornings. My first thought was
to ignore it, but I started thinking about how ridiculous it was. The
only music that gets played loudly in the morning is my radio alarm
clock. It's on for maybe 20 seconds tops, as long as it takes for me
to climb off the bunk, walk three feet, and shut it off. We do blast
our music, but it's always in the evening or afternoon when the flamers
are blaring Nelly or other shitty music. I can hear other people's
alarm clocks in our room in the morning, so it can't be that, surely.
Buzzers are more annoying than music anyway. We obviously have no right
to get up in time for class. If it's actually the loud music, the people
complaining must be the fucking retards who get smashed every night,
skip class, and wake up with a hangover at three in the afternoon. If
it's these people, they get even less sympathy. You fucking flamers can
fuck off and go straight the fuck to hell. I hope you all fucking die
of fucking alcohol poisoning. And SHUT THE FUCK UP! IT'S FOUR IN THE
AFTERNOON, AND I'M TRYING TO SLEEP GODDAMN IT! NO MORE GODDAMN FUCK!
Fistula: HEY! MUST BE THE...OOPS SORRY.
|
2-14-02: |
Ragnarok: Hey, the first chud of 2002! I hate people who think KIDS
is a good movie. It's a loathsome, insipid pile of shit, and the
homie g-dawg motherfuckers who think it's cool should all be exterminated.
And one of these assholes had the audacity to tell ME I had no taste
because I said it sucked. You shall be the first to die, worthless
pig-dog.
|
02-18-02: |
Ragnarok: Punks and Goths for Christ are funny. You know the
people I'm talking about? The ones who wear Marilyn Manson
makeup, have eighty or so piercings, and then a shirt that
says "Jesus is my rock" or some dumb thing like that? What the
hell is wrong with these people? I guess I'm glad they're around
for amusement, but who thought it was cool? Do they realize they're
a joke? Just wondering.
|
02-28-02: |
Ragnarok: Here's one for you guys out there. What the hell is
the deal with girls grabbing your dick and saying "What's this?"
What the hell do they think it is? Do you think a sea cucumber
escaped from the zoo and made a nest in my pants? What answer
are you looking for? If anyone can figure it out, let me know.
On another interesting note, according to some guy in my speech
class we now have the technology for brain transplants (!?).
Go figure.
|
03-15-02: |
Ragnarok: Well, that's it. The end of the world approaches.
Comic strips, what I once thought was the last vestige of
entertainment that didn't just single out the popular hits
and clone them, has done just that. Not only has it done so,
it's done so with the greatest goddamn comic strip of all time,
Calvin and Hobbes. There's a new strip called Frazz (I think),
and the lead character looks exactly like Calvin. They don't
even do anything to cover it up, like giving him red hair or
something. I'll be under my bed waiting for the fallout to
dissipate. Wake me when it's over.
|
03-19-02: |
Ragnarok: Further proof the endtimes are near. Did you ever
wonder how your local AssHammer Video selects their movies? I'll
tell you. There's a big ol' Hal 90210 computer out there that
determines the population of a town and tells the owner what movies
to get based on the demographics. For example, this means the mostly-
white Waverly, IA gets little to no urban flicks. Not that I
particularly enjoy urban flicks, but this is poor marketing strategy
considering damn near the entire white youth population of Waverly is
quite firmly convinced they're black. I don't know about you, but I
sure as hell don't want some cut-rate Mother telling me what movies
I'm going to be able to rent. I'm just glad I'm a loyal servant of
Cthulhu. He'll eat me last. In the meantime, enjoy The Fast and the
Furious. According to the statistics, everyone has had surgically
removed the part of the brain that gives them good taste.
|
03-21-02: |
Ragnarok: Everyone always talks about how us Americans are touch-
deprived. How we don't even make eye contact anymore, we just walk
around with our eyes lowered. Well, I don't know what the hell all
the rest of you are doing, but I'm looking for change. Just keeping
an eye on the floor walking from my dorm to the drinking fountain can
produce a good five cents a week. Laugh if you want to. Those pennies
add up. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. Keep those eyes
to the ground. To those of you who walk with your heads held high,
thanks for the cash.
|
04-16-02: |
Ragnarok: What I have to say may well open one hell of a can of
worms here. There's no getting around it, I'm just going to spit
it out. Let's go fishing. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
|
04-30-02: |
Ragnarok: Firstly, I apologize for that last chud. I was tired and
drunk on the blood of a thousand virgins, or something like that.
Secondly, I was flipping channels waiting for a commercial break in
Conan O'Brien's show to get over with. I ran across Wartburg's public
access channel, and there was a banner that read something to the effect
of "We just got new cable. We cannot control the change, it was all
Mediacom's fault. If you're confused, look for a postcard in your
mail or come to the open house town meeting in the town hall on Tuesday."
A town meeting. Those used to be for stuff like famine, plague, visits
from God. Important stuff. Now they're for people so damn stupid
that they can't just re-program their TV and get on with it.
In completely unrelated news, after Conan I've taken to watching
Last Call. Say what you will about TRL (yeah, it sucks), Carson
Daly is a pretty cool guy. Anyhow, Erika Christensen was on. She's
nineteen, living with her parents and two brothers. Acting. And
being on late night talk shows singing (which she's pretty damn good
at). That, more or less, is what I wish to be doing. And yet, I
find myself working FOR MINIMUM WAGE AT A GODDAMN VIDEO STORE IN
ASSFUCK NOWHERE WAVERLY IOWA!!! Where did I go wrong? What train
did I miss? If there's anyone important who reads this site, or
anyone who reads this site who knows someone important, spin me an
e-mail. Do I look like James Vanderwhatshisslapasspenishead? No.
Do I have more talent in a drop of my semen than an entire cloned
army of him possibly could? Yes. A wise and strange-looking man
once sang it's a long, hard road out of hell. In case you haven't
figured it out yet, I'm trying to call a taxi.
|
05-13-02: |
Ragnarok: I read an editorial in Doctor Who Magazine earlier this
afternoon. It was talking about how Doctor Who fans like the writer
and myself can't even look at something as simple as a stick of celery
without linking it somehow with Doctor Who. And he's right. We are
permanently tainted. But it's fun.
|
11-21-02: |
Here, look at a picture of steak: 
|
This is where I like to eat steak: 
|
Here's more steak [with stuff] 
|
Now tell me that you don't want to run out and eat some
steak right fuckin' now. Honestly. I'd like to hear your
blasphemous anti-steak sentiments.
Let me know why you don't like steak and/or don't want to
eat steak right now.
Wearing Large Pants
I recommend large pants. That's right, pants that are
larger than one would normally wear. Why do I recommend large
pants? Well, mostly because I like them. They're comfortable.
Large pants are great, because they allow more air to reach your
legs than spandex, or perhaps even most denim products.
So, what constitues a large pair of pants? Well, I think
that the legs of the pants need be at least 28" across to be
large. I've purchased and regularly worn pants up to 40" across
each leg. Why? Because I like them, I already told you that.
There is one huge drawback to wearing large pants: Lots of
movement whilst wearing large pants can lead to sweatage,
especially when you're a large man. This can, however, be
counteracted by jumping into the air, which leads to your large
pants flapping in the wind. You can also roll up large pants to
give yourself air. That's definitely a plus.
Well, I'll talk up large pants forever if you'd give me the
chance, but that would probably eventually suck. Actually, I'm
sure that everyone is already sick of reading this article, so I
will now run off into the distance, happily riding my elephant
[foreshadowing at it's finest].
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03-10-03: |
Ferox: SUDDENLY - we're in next Tuesday. Ripping Friends are
my christs. Cereal pleases me [editing after your friends
have posted in order to look like you're some kind of
incredible foreshadower is pleasinger though]
Ragna-ontherag-rok: Animal. You're an animal. You're a
goddamn fucking animal. It's obvious you're a goddamn fucking
animal because you don't know how to put CD's back in the rack
the right way around. This, I've noticed, is an especial
problem in the Country/Western section of the record store I
work at. What a surprise, people who listen to country music
are stupid. At any rate, when CD's are set in bins where you
have to read the spine to tell what they are, don't fucking
put them in the long way up so the anti-theft sticker is facing
up. They get stuck and they're harder for other people to get
them out that way so for Cthulhu's sake pay attention to how
the 150,000 OTHER FUCKING CD'S IN THE STORE ARE SET UP YOU
GODDAMN RETARDED SHEEP-RAPING HICK! And I swear to Azathoth
the next white boy in a cowboy hat and camouflage hunting vest
who asks me in his best southern-wannabe-gangsta voice "Hey,
you guys got that new Fitty Cent (phoenetic spelling, that's
how they pronounce it) record?" is going to get my steel-toed
Harley-Davidson boot through the side of his fucking skull.
In a related chudding, when you walk into a retail store
and an employee comes up to you and asks if you need help
finding anything, be polite. If you don't want help, just
say "No, thanks." It's that easy. We're just trying to be
helpful. You can spend an hour looking for something I could
have told you we don't have in the first place, but you don't
have to be a fucking asshole about it. If you're going to be
like that, let Sam Goody ass rape you for a twenty dollar CD,
you preppy Linkin' Park loving fucking cuntrag. Kiss my ass.
I don't make commission, so take your stuck-up "I'm rich and
old and better than you" attitude somewhere else. If you're
so goddamn great, why the fuck are you still living in a
fucking ghetto-ass town in the middle of Iowa famous for
nothing but retarded police and methamphetamine production? Do
the world a goddamn favor and go jump in your fucking private
man-made lake and drown in the goose shit floating at the bottom.
EVERYONE JUST FUCK OFF AND DIE! There, I've said me piece.
I need some cereal. [Ferox's note: Aaaaaarrrggh!!]
Ferox: Saying r0x0rz r0x0rz. Also: Why is picking up a
random Swedish metal or metal-like substance always so much
more reliable and solid than picking up a random American
metal or metal-like substance record? Fuckin' face, man.
Ferox: Had to split this up since this is the real one.
It's been a good number of time since I've been in a
situation anywhere near comparible to the one I'm in now.
The thing is, right now I've got a whole lot of giddiness
and general goodness around myself, and it has kind of
made me generally confused. I've dubbed my current
condition "Schoolgirling Hardcore", and I'd like to go
ahead and debunk those who would say nay to my recent naming
of this condition by saying that this is NOT ABOUT BEING
HARDCORE WITH A SCHOOLGIRL.
Instead it's more like feeling as if I'm a goddamned
schoolgirl again, except that since I'm not a chick I
never was a schoolgirl.... but I'm.... one.... again....
ah, fuck it. You schoolgirls out there know what I'm
sayin', eh? Actually, if there are any schoolgirls out
there that are reading this site, I'd adive you find
a prettier way to spend your time. However, if you
decide to stay here even after I've told you to be nervous,
then YOU R0X0RZ!!
Anywhen..... it's been awhile since I've had a whole
lot of hope about anything. I've been freaking out about
scholarships, loans, a whole lot of other financial situations,
along with all kinds of fucked up other things. To be
shorter with my complaints: STRESS!!!! [Ragnarok's note:
Machine Fish!]
So, now I'm not sure how much hope to put into this
situation. I still haven't explained it much yet, but
if anyone still hasn't figured it out, then you're the
abovementioned schoolgirl that should find a different
place to be - which means you do not r0x0rz.
R0X0RZ TO THE EXTREME IN YOUR FACE LIKE A FOX IN
THE REALM OF MORTALS!!!!
Well, fuck. I hope that this all works out and that
I end up with a bit O goodness. That'd make me less
angry, except that it'd make me more angry on this site.
That's just the way it must be.
What is to be done? I don't know. Go Che go!!
Ferox: TROG DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!!!!
Ferox: You're making my nipples tingle, stop that!
Ferox: I fucking hate children, especially babies,
and I fucking hate animals, especially fuzzy ones,
and I fucking hate everything that's pretty.
Alright, so that's an unbelievable pile of lies.
The thing that's bothering me though is that whenever
there's something like, say, a bunny or an infant in
a commercial, every mothercockfucker out there who
is "in touch with his/her emotions" has to go out and
buy the product. Fuck, I mean, there could be a
commercial for Shit-Spray Carbonated Feces Drink and
as long as there were a few babies enjoying the stuff
in the ad, it'd sell incredibly well. Fuck!!!
Or maybe there are some bunnies on the TV and you
think it's cute, so you go out and buy COCKSNOT MALT-
STYLE PROTEIN SHAKES, with added sperm in order to
whiten your teeth and make you think you're drinking
orange juice or something and give you penis-breath.
Honestly, it could happen. Fucking bastard
advertisers!!! I'll Dr. Slaughter them all!!
Ferox: ALSO: Our college's big motto that it tries to
sell itself with is "Be orange!" This repulses me,
mostly because the shade of orange that they use.
In any case, it fucking sucks. So, this year I've
been wandering around shouting "BE RED!!" at fuckers
who have no fucking idea that I'm talking about
Communism at all and are too busy eating Jesus' asshole
to even care about anything political whether or not it's
parody-style or outright beliefs.... and another thing,
FUCK YOUR FUCKING WAR, in case I hadn't made that so
obvious that anyone reading this' eyes should ex-fucking-
plode from the obviousness of it.
Oh, fuck - am I supposed to be going around exploding
the eyeballs of our readers? Shit.
Ragnarok: In closing for the evening's chudding, I made
a typo earlier in this session, which has coincedentally
been left intact, which made me sound like a pirate. Or
a leprechaun. Or both. At any rate, if you can find it,
you will win our contest. The prize...a cake made by
Josef Stalin's chambermaid. Fascism tastes like cake,
and is surprisingly easy to bake. To make your Fascism
cake stay moist longer, substitute milk with applesauce.
|
05-08-03: |
Ragnarok: A few things. First, a rant. Then, some
musings. (transcribed) I'm writing this in my film
class in a notebook. We just finished watching Citizen
Kate about twenty minutes ago. I'm now having every
scene and heavy-handed symbol in the film explained by
a pompous git who is apparently under the impression
that he's the only man alive who has ever watched a
movie before. On top of that, he has not the first
fucking clue about how to run a DVD player. I can't
imagine how something as simple as a fast forward
button could be that difficult, but there it is.
He's desperately trying to show us all the scenes
we just watched so he can explain what jump cuts
and fades are (I rest well at night knowing my
tuition is paying for this), but he either skips
several chapters too far, or ends up re-starting
the movie. Everyone else is politely laughing.
I'm imagining blood pouring out of his eyes as his
head is being crushed in the jaws of a grizzly bear
while evil midgets gring his genitalia off with
a belt-sander.
Next on the docket, there's a girl in the class
with me who has the last name of Grizzle. Now,
she's a wonderful person and this is not meant
to offend, so if you're reading this, Mandy,
don't get pissed. She's going into education,
which means presumably her students will be
calling her Ms. Grizzle. How fucking perfect
is that? It's the kind of thing you only see
in Calvin and Hobbes.
Lastly, I was brushing my teeth the other night
and leaned over the sink to spit. As I did this,
I leaned on the faucet without noticing, so just
as I spit some water trickled out. The sound it
made as it hit the sink simultaneously with my
spittle was reminiscent of acid burning through
an object. And just for a split second, I
imagined I had evolved xenomorphic acid spit.
When I discovered I hadn't, I was sad. Thank
you, and good night.
|
05-11-03: |
Ferox: We need to come out with a product
called "What? No, fuck you, I KNOW that was butter.
Well, if you're going to be like that I'm going
to shoot you in the fucking face, you lying butter-
giving fuck!!" And then the video will be an
all-out Kung Fu battle over whether or not it's
butter. Fuckin' right.
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