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Our opening credits play to a scene of Frank driving up to a house in a microbus rockin’ to some Goblin-style tunes. He nabs a crate and takes off. Elsewhere, Iris and an old woman stick pins in a voodoohoodooyoodooweedooscrooyoo doll. The doll turns out to be Frank’s girlfriend. Frank unloads a baboon from the crate, and goes to see his girlfriend in the hospital after finding out that aunt Iris had kept the girl’s hospitalization a secret. Once Frank gets to the hospital, he tells his girlfriend that death need not separate them, and kisses her once before she dies. He then becomes very reclusive and sad. His aunt apparently has more than family love on her mind as she breast-feeds him. Believe me, this scene is even creepier than it sounds. After the funeral, Frank injects the body with some kind of serum, but unbeknownst to him, he’s being spied on. Late at night, after she’s been buried, he goes out, digs her up, and carts her away in his sweet VW microbus. On the way back to his warehouse, he runs across Jell-O Boobs. He tries to tell her she can’t ride with him, but she forces her way in anyway and proceeds to refuse to SHUT UP! She’s one of the most annoying extras I’ve ever seen, but thankfully we all know she’s going away real soon. They get back to the warehouse, but by now, Jell-O Boobs is stoned and fast asleep. Frank takes his girlfriend’s body to a table and goes through a particularly slimy Italian-style embalming scene. Wait a minute, wouldn’t she already have been embalmed before the funeral the first time? Oh, never mind. I’m sorry. I was under the delusion that this retarded movie was supposed to pay attention to detail and MAKE SENSE! Stupid me, huh? Anyway, he pops her eyes out for some reason (is this standard embalming technique, especially for someone you want to bring back to life?). I guess he wants her blind when she returns to the land of the livin’. I’ll bet she won’t pick up a shovel and start diggin’, though. Oh, sorry, that was a different, better movie. Well, ol’ Jell-O Boobs wakes up and goes looking for Frank. She comes across the scene, stumbles over a bucket of the girlfriend’s guts. I have to commend them there Italians as always for using real slaughterhouse guts, but they’re not very anatomically correct. I think I counted about three livers. Frank chases down JB, and she scratches his face. He freaks, rips her fingernails off with a big industrial wire-stripper, and smothers her to death. After all this yuckiness, Iris helps Frank take the dead girlfriend back up to his room. Seems odd that she’d be so supportive of keeping the girl around after she went to all the trouble to kill her, eh? Star Trek Dude (so named because of a sticker that looks like the Federation emblem on his car), the guy that spied on him, goes to Frank’s house and pays one of his friends to distract Frank so Star Trek Dude can check the place out. Iris and Frank cart Jell-O Boobs’ fat ass (it’s funny that I was listening to Strapping Young Lad and the part in the song “Goat” where they yell “Heave ho!” a bunch of times came up while I was writing that) upstairs and chop her body up after Star Trek Dude leaves. Then they put the pieces in a tub they filled with one of the fifty-gallon jugs of acid they keep in the bathroom, and... huh... what do you mean you think that’s strange. Normal people have a huge jug of acid in their bathroom. Oh, shut up. Then they dump the goop in the garden and go eat some porridge. This is probably the sickest eating scene ever filmed. It’s odd that a movie with this much cool-sounding stuff in it sucks so much, huh? Later that day Frank is out jogging, and meets a girl who sprained her ankle. He takes her back to the house and bandages it, for which she plans to repay him with sex. Wow, Italian girls are friendly, aren’t they? Well, part way into the foreplay, she notices the dead girlfriend in the bed with them, and screams. Ol’ Frankie takes offense to this and bites her throat out, then drags her downstairs and cremates her. While she’s burning, she wakes up, and I can’t help but think, God dammit, that would suck! A couple of cops show up later on to investigate the disappearance of Jell-O Boobs. They comment on Frank’s remarkable talent as a taxidermist, as he has a bunch of his work scattered throughout the house. Oh, I get it. He was just going to taxidermy his girlfriend and stick her next to the fireplace to hold coats and the fire poker and stuff. That almost... no, it’s still retarded. A really weird family meeting is called, where Iris announces that she and Frank are to marry, and they’re all really happy about this. They have one strange-ass family. Frank is obviously not into this idea, and runs upstairs to cry to his loving corpse. Frank and Iris get in a bitch-ass wicked fight and he boots her out of the house, just like we want to do to this damn movie. Frank makes out with his dead girlfriend for a while, then goes out and picks up a hooker, but he has to kick her out when the dead girl’s sister comes looking for her lost sibling. She finds what she’s looking for, and a big, bloody Keystone Cops fight breaks out. Iris shanks Frank in the dong, dead girl’s sister attacks Iris. After some face-ripping and eye-gouging, Frank kills Iris and dumps her in the incinerator. Star Trek Dude comes in just in time to see Frank keel over from his injuries. STD takes the dead girl away to be re-buried, but as they’re examining her, she wakes up and screams and her jaw unhinges like a freakin’ egg snake. The stupid damn end. Ugh.
What's a BrainWave?
Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok Begin.
Viva Italiana!
Thriller video? Should I expect to be thrilled?
Hey, wasn't this a USA TV movie?
10 Min.
The VW Microbus: The only good thing to ever come out of Germany. Oh, that and hardcore XXX amputee fisting porn.
Man, of all movies to take notes for...
A baboon is kind of a strange prize to find in a box of Special K, isn't it?
20 Min.
Iris is not so appealing to the iris. Pun!
These guys tell me there's a plot here...
Hey, Bill Pullman's at the funeral
30 Min.
Gooey.
Nice caterpillar. That'll be a moth someday.
I don't think most normal human bodies have more than one liver.
40 Min.
I do not like this movie. No viva Italiana.
You know, I really don't care for Uncle Nuge. That's my thought stream right now.
For having been the one to kill her, Iris is pretty supportive of keeping the dead girl in her bed.
50 Min.
That is fucking disgusting.
MMM!! I sure hope that the food is actually the uncooked insides of a pumpkin with turkey...
Dear Cthulhu, I feel sick. That's revolting.
60 Min.
I've got nothing to say. Trust me, you wouldn't either.
I once saw him scissor-kick Angela Lansbury!! What? Movie? Oh, yeah.
He turned into a warwilf!
70 Min.
Ahhhh! This movie hurts!
No one can stay focused on the movie, and note-taking is getting more than tedious. Pillows are also distracting.
Let's raise a toast to incest! YAY!
80 Min.
Okay, we know she coming back to life. Just fucking get it over with.
Hey, we've heard this music before... three minutes ago... and three minutes before that... and...
I wonder if all old women wander around spouting creepy lyrics when no one's looking.
End.
Wow, I'm totally suprised that she came back to life. Totally out of left field.
Curses - are precisely what this movie gets from us. Fuck right the hell off forevermore, you horrible chunk of fucking plastic!
Her jaw unhinges like an egg snake.
[Guest Review!] >> Fedeler: This movie basically sucked all ass. I give it a 1. Brother Fistula: Boy, this movie sure did suck. NO redeeming qualities. 0.
Brother Ferox: Other than Jello Boobs this movie sucked... oh wait, that sucked too - 0.
Recommended by: NO ONE Get me away from this damn movie!
