This Movie: The Plot BrainWave Ratings Elsewhere Reviews Index Chuddings You pick em!

Director(s): Kevin West Producer(s): Kevin West Writer(s): Kevin West, Kirk Hunter, Earl Saathoff, Kelley Swinney Editor(s): Kevin West Actor Name: Character Name: Description Kevin West Jug Runs the farm, liked his mom quite a bit. Kirk Hunter Gibby Jug's moron brother Kelley Swinney Doc Albert Llama-lovin' local physician. He'll make you young again. Fred Ellis Stinky Pronounced Stouker for some reason Lucinda Cruse Toni Lead Chick. Runs over Blessy Sue and is plunged into the wacky World of Wool. Earl Saathoff Bock He thinks he's Lemmy Lucinda Hinton Janet Greasy Squeeze girls. Mostly fodder, as there is no followable development in this insane flick. Kirsten Carter and Connie Campbell Bea Raven Greywolf Tiffany Molley Iley Marin Gates Marnie Gates The Bowler Girls Llama food. Several llamas & Dudes in llama costumes The Blood Llamas Do you really need an explanation? OK - TOXIC CUD SPEWING, SEX STARVED, WOOL-BEARING KILLERS ON A BLOODY RAMPAGE.

    We open with an old man putting on a record.  A llama’s hoof stops
it, and the llama enjoys a cigarette.  Famed horror author Clive Barker
describes Male Berserk Syndrome.  The hell?  We’ll see.

    We get rolling in earnest with two girls and a guy in a car, driving
down a country road.  The girl and guy in back are fucking, as is Doc
Albert in the jump-cut we’re treated to.  Except he’s fucking a llama.
The old man scrubs some wool and calls his sons to go to town.  The
girl gets bored and throws the guy out of the car.  Doc Albert walks
out of the barn with spooge stains on his pants.  The girls pick up
Bock.  Bock visits Doc Albert, who takes his money.  The llama Doc
Albert was screwing runs away, saying that all men are the same, and
gets plowed over by Toni, our heroine (some of which may have made
this movie more comprehensible).  Doc Albert drives by the scene of
the wreck and is heartbroken at the sight of his dead llama lover.
Bock walks to the World O’ Wool, where a magical youth-treatment waits
for him.  Sound a little disjointed?  Trust me, it’s even worse if
you’re watching it.  And all that was just to get to the actual plot
development, or lack thereof.  Hey, they had to throw the characters
together somehow.  I did say rolling, I never said it was a smooth ride.

    Stouker the tow truck man comes to take away the llama and get
Toni’s car to the shop to repair the llama dent.  The boys from the
World O’ Wool pull up just in time to give Toni a ride into town so
she can wait at the shop for her car, but it’s not at the shop, so
they go back to the farm.  Bock talks to Gibby about his writer’s block,
and then they have a funeral for Blessie Sue, Doc Albert’s llama lover,
complete with a drunken preacher, a llama shaped coffin and a…mosh pit?
Well, I guess that’s normal for this movie.  Onward, loyal followers.

    Doc Alberts dunks Bock into the miracle youth-restoring dip, which
makes him hallucinate a music video that would make Russel Mulcahy
scratch his head.  The treatment has apparently unleashed the dreaded
Male Berserk Syndrome, which affects the llamas and turns them into
dangerous killers.  Everyone runs like hell back to the house to get
weapons, and one of the llamas sprays toxic cud all over the face of
the fat chick from the Greasy Squeeze.

    Toni and Doc Albert, split from the rest of the group, find the
fat chick with her face melted off and run back to Doc’s lab, while Pa
snags a llama with his fishing rod and goes for a deadly ride.  Doc
explains to Toni that the llamas have MBS, and they attack menstruating
women.

    When everyone is back at the house for haggis that night, the
llamas steal Toni and the Doc’s cars, and eat the distributor caps.
Jug points everyone to their rooms, and Bock and the Greasy Squeeze
girls make the sign of the three-pronged space goose.  Weirdly.  And
a llama visits Toni in a dream.

    In the morning, they ask for water for a shower, and Gibby tells
them the only water is a creek.  While bathing, they practice their
throwing star anti-llama techniques.  Look, I know you’re confused.
So am I.  Just shut up and we’ll get through this, okay?  Quit asking
me questions.  Stephen Hawking couldn’t wrap his brain around this
movie.  A movie reviewing demi-god’s powers are limited, you know.

    The bowler chicks swing by World O’ Wool, which just happens to
polish bowling balls.  While they’re getting polished (not like that,
you goddamn pervert), Doc examines Bock and discovers he has evil
mutant llama blood.  Stouker returns Toni’s car, which is repainted.
Wait, didn’t the llamas take it?  Why am I even wondering about
continuity at this point?  Will any of us make it out with our brains
intact?  Jug and Gibby plan to use one of the bowler chicks for the
brain transplant that Gibby and the Doc have been planning.  

    The llamas return at sundown as predicted, and the girls attack
with their throwing stars, which get turned against them.  All three
bowlers get killed.  A llama gets into Toni’s room that night, and
they bring a new meaning to interracial relationships.  But it was
just a dream again.  Doc and Gibby meanwhile get one of the bowler’s
heads for the transplant.

    The next day, Doc and Stouker go out to the field with a fake
llama to gather samples of llama semen for a cure to MBS.  But the
sample tube gets stuck in Stouker’s mouth, and he gets drowned in
llama spooge.  All together now.  EEEEEW!  Back at the farm, the
Greasy Squeeze girls get killed washing Toni’s car while Gibby explains
to Toni that their mother left the family for a circus freak because
she had a thing for cripples.

    Later, everyone is gathered in Doc’s lab.  The bowler head tells
them that everything they need is in a duffel bag on the floor.  Bock
pulls out a kickass guitar, jams out a groovy Ministry song with some
llamas, and electrocutes himself on the amp.  The Dalai Llama (get it?
Dalai...hey, put down the machete, I didn’t write that!) tosses Gibby
a brain.  He dives for it, and splits his head open on the ground.
Doc Albert pulls a valentine gift from Blessie Sue out of the box and
gets a pair of hooves rammed through his chest.  Jug pulls his mama’s
dress from the bag.  He puts it on, and to Toni’s horror becomes his
mother!  Who’s the llama, Norman?  Ma rallies the llamas into the barn,
singing “Mama loves her llama” all the way.  She blows pepper into the
baby fire-breathing (!) llama’s face.  It sneezes and burns down the
barn, killing the entire…woolly herd.  Jug gets what he always wanted,
the fire has made him a true cripple, and Toni escapes the farm, only
to discover that her bedroom encounter with the llama was not a dream.

    I’d like to thank Andrew Borntreger for giving me the information
to order this movie from Kevin West, and of course to Kevin, Earl, and
everyone involved for making a movie that would send David Lynch into
epileptic fits for the rest of his life.  I’m sure a large amount of
alcohol and Arkansas polio weed went into the production, and consuming
such while watching it would likely bring out the deep hidden messages
buried behind all that wool.  Or it would just make you have really
scary hallucinations, as if the movie itself wasn’t bad enough.



What's a BrainWave?



Fistula
Ferox
Ragnarok


Begin.
Barn of the Blood Llama, I think I ate there once. 
Son of a llama arse... it's that time of the month again! 
With a name like Blood Llama, it has to be good!!


10 Min.
Talk about animal research. 
Skibbery-who!!  Didn't you see the sign? 
I think anyone would need a new brain after this movie. 


20 Min.
? 
What's happening? 
I want a llama-shaped coffin when I die. 


30 Min.
I suspect there may have been some inbreeding 'round these parts. 
OK, so I know what's happening now, but this is crazy!! 
I'm Tom Bodett.  We'll leave a llama on for ya. 


40 Min.
My balls could use a spit shine now that you mention it. 
Damn llama yanked it out with his teeth and swallowed it whole while I was chaingin' the oil! 
They actually do make that "boing" noise too.  Seriously.


50 Min.
Bad llama!  No! 
BEER FACTOREEEE... oh wait, this isn't Gamera II! 
I know I'm not happy unless something's on fire. 


60 Min.
Bad llama!  No! 
Goddamn.  I missed half of the legendary events. 
It's hard and crusty, here, feel this. 


70 Min.
Serious part now.  Symbols of llama love past.  That was my haiku. 
Too many crazy flashes... confused... I.... huh?
Momma love her llama!  So do I. 


End.
What the hell just happened? 
I've reached bliss... what wonderful imagery! 
Wow.  Of all things to have dedicated to you in death! 












Brother Fistula:  Fuck yeah! And I thought I knew what stupid was.
This movie completely blew every preconception of stupidity I had.
This gem has got anal penetration of a llama, a guy choking to death
on llama spunk, nakedness.  The ending was very predictable (condoms
aren't foolproof you know) what with the unplanned pregnancy and all.
You know what?  It dosen't matter.  This movie gave me a headache,
blurred my vision, and confused me to the brink of sobbing.  I loved
every minute.  Viva la Blood Llama!  5
    


Brother Ferox:  My god, what is this?!?  Will I EVER KNOW???  Well,
I'm sure that I'll never figure it out, but whatever the hell it is,
I sure like it!!  For the last day I've been struggling internally
whether or not to give this movie a 5... can I put it on the same
level as Microwave Massacre?  Well... this is NOT the same as
MM, but I'm going to have to say yes.  Yes, this movie is worth a five.
This is the most insane, strange, unfollowable, gibberatic piece of
film that I've EVER heard of, let alone seen.  I love you, man.  I
can't see straight anymore and music doesn't have any effect on me
anymore (just yesterday I was a musician).  Despite this, the movie
has changed my entire perspective of reality.  Wow.  Just to make sure
you know, I'm giving this movie a 5.

    


Brother Ragnarok:  This movie rules.  I read about it on badmovies.org,
one of my favorite sites, and made it my life's goal to see it.  I wrote
to Andrew Borntreger, webmaster of badmovies, and asked him how to get 
a copy.  He sent me the address, and I wrote to the man himself, Kevin
West.  And a few weeks and $13 later, a copy of Barn of the Blood Llama
arrived in my mailbox.  I love this movie.  David Lynch couldn't follow
the plot.  My hat is off to the men and women who have made this, the
most insane and physically painful contribution to badmoviedom.  I love
you all.  5 all the way.
    

Average:  5           


    Recommended by:  Brothers Fistula, Ragnarok, and Ferox

Viva la Blood Llama!!!!!!