B-Fest 2002: What REALLY happened? Thanks to those of you who came back to me after leaving you hanging, my tardiness is inexcusable. My computer is once again functional, and I can shirk my duties no longer. Here’s what happened. Think of this as a little "Wish You Were Here" card. Wow, my first B-Fest. It’s still a little ambiguous as to how we pulled it off, considering none of us had that much money. My B-Festivities kicked off two days before any blood was spilled in Evanston. My car is the most spacious, so we’re naturally inclined to take it on the rode. It pulled a little to the right, and in an attempt to get to B-Fest alive; I went in for an alignment and walked out with four new tires and about $10 to my name. Apparently, the jerk-offs who had the car before me (it’s a drug-running family car from Arizona), in an attempt to save money, got cheaper tires which just happened to be about two sizes too big for my poor car. Anyway, it was just three guys (one of which will be sleeping in the trunk if he ever brings that lunch meat along again) devoted to bad movies hitting that road in a car with transmission fluid about the consistency of tartar sauce, getting lost in unfamiliar territory, discussing the size of Robert Z’Dar’s face (and some other stuff in between, but that face dominated conversation for more time than I’m comfortable admitting, though I will say this: IT’S FUCKING HUGE!) We crossed into Illinois, and Illinois’s varying landscapes were reminiscent of California. One minute there were the most beautiful country estates, the next there were crumbling cardboard mansions. At some point, we were laughing at Type O Negative’s Christian Woman (which I actually like, by the way) and stopping at a gas station so I could change into my real clothes (I like to road trip naked, hope nobody minded). I found a espresso smoothie dispenser and decided to indulge myself. I pulled the handle and was surprised to see a crack beginning in the glass part. I thought at first there was just a thin layer of ice behind the actual glass, but soon realized that the crack was in the actual case. We got the hell out of there pretty fast, and were afraid to go back on the return trip. Apologies to anyone who had to clean that up, and if it makes you feel any better, I spilled it in the back seat and was gagged to its rich chocolaty aroma for weeks afterwards. When we did make it to Chicago, we compensated for what was a mostly mistake-free trip by pulling into a private parking lot and having to ask a pseudo-Tony Zarindast to please let us leave with our lives. We eventually found a ramp, and away we went. I looked like a gay tourist with my leopard- spotted pillow and stars in my eyes, as we wandered clueless around the Northwestern University campus. By the grace of God, we found the theater. With that brief overview out of the way, here’s a more dissected recap: General milling around time: Meeting everyone was really cool, and if you knew me, you’d know that just walking up to someone new and talking is easier said than done. Though I felt like a lightweight upon hearing movie titles I never dreamed possible (I am going to check out that mutant turkey movie really soon). Every person I talked to was ultra-cool, and I’ve never felt more welcome in a movie theatre, at least not since I drank from Butt- Head’s dad’s cup seeing The Addams Family when I was a kid. 5 The Crawling Eye: My cup of tea, so to speak. There’s nothing so amusing as a cheesy B&W scientist/monster movie. To the best of my knowledge, clouds summoned giant eye creatures, which were somehow connected to Anne Frank’s psychic condition. It was confusing, but I finally got the opportunity to say, “Forrest Tucker, he’s the guy who makes sure all the trees’ shirt tails are in” and have it be relevant. 3 (if you try to figure it out), 4 (if you just watch and giggle) Gymkata: I was never one for kung-fu movies, and after somehow getting the idea that it was going to be twenty-four hours of 50s sci-fi/horror movies, I was less than excited about seeing some boner (I’m afraid that was pretty close to being in the literal sense, I’m glad his training didn’t include climbing the gym class rope) on uneven parallel bars. Nevertheless, I found Gymkata to be very funny, although it had too many male package shots for my tastes. All in good fun, I had low expectations for Gymkata, and it met and even exceeded them by an increment or two. 3.5 What is Communism?: An early highlight for me, I love shorts. And to think, this kind of thing was shown to people and they were supposed to take it seriously! After feeling somewhat left out at the beginning of the short, I figured it out and had a blast. 4.5 Hardware Wars: I think you have to like Star Wars to find it amusing. I found myself mostly laughing with everyone else without knowing why (maybe it’s my pathetic quest to achieve a flawless sense of conformity, that’s what my head doctor says anyway). 2 Message From Space: Pain like I’ve rarely experienced. Had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on, and I don’t really care, but here goes. Some Japanese people find glowing walnuts, which have some sort of relevance, and I’m afraid that’s all I know. While space dogfights and model explosions impress some people, I do not like them, so this was an all-around piece of crap. BOOO! (The one redeeming quality was being able to chant END! with more than three people, and in a theatre no less). Unquestionably the worst movie of the night. 0 Break Time: Couldn’t have come at a better time, I was reeling. Apparently, Northwestern University is located at the brink of space and time’s infinite space vacuum (?)…Because I wandered around for twenty minutes and could not find a way off campus. Then again, I’ve gotten lost going from Waverly to Hampton, a journey that eventually lead me in a complete circle spanning three counties. I’m an idiot. 4 Wizard of Speed and Time: Well, I know that I don’t understand. I think everyone else had a lot more fun with this than I did, but oh well, let people have their fun. I prefer educational shorts to such things; especially the ones you cannot believe were ever viewed as educational. 2 Wizard of Speed and Time...BACKWARDS!: ...The hell? Motion sickness sucks. 3 Plan 9 From Outer Space: We all know Plan 9 is one of the all-time greats on it’s own, but it’s fun with the masses too. Tor Johnson was smiling down from Heaven, and I can safely say I’ve never had more fun with paper plates in my life. And I still say it's wicker. 5 Coffy: B-Fest was more than fun; it was in many ways an educational experience. What good could come out of a blaxploitation? Plenty. In one of the biggest surprises of the night, I finally understand why dogs (or college students) like to roll around in pools of their own vomit. This film was a complete piece of exploitative trash, and I had a damn fine laugh at it. Only one question remains: was that Abe Gentry? If not, the Gore Gore Girls references still fit perfectly. 4.5 Can Heironymous Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe And Find True Happiness?: The hell? I sat for about the first ten minutes trying to figure out if this before me was a movie or a short or a commercial or a vision sent from God or who knows what. The first thing that was at all familiar was Milton Berle, playing what I perceived to be a fleshed’ manifestation of the Devil, who devotes a heck of a lot of time pushing unbelievably potent amounts of temptation to a man on a beach who later turned out to be the Anthony Newley I’ve heard so much about…is this an early version of Temptation Island? Oh, if only Jay Leno could see this. Heironymous sang songs and enjoyed a lifetime of guilt-free sex with those girls of the sixties I love so much (as a longtime admirer of the female form, I’ve noticed that women used to have this sunken crease at their navel which made their hips look gigantic and bony. Then, when the beach movie era was ushered in, women got rid of the crease and filled out a little. In my opinion, this was the best women ever looked, and Heironymous was the luckiest man ever). As far as physical beauty, no movie has ever surpassed this, except maybe MST3K classic Catalina Caper. There was more than external beauty, however. I’m no hippie, but I picked up on the social commentary, and though this will cheapen my argument faster than Enron stock, I will not recap for you. The reason is this: it’s been too long since I saw it, therefore, I could not give an account of the plot and not screw it up. In the merest outline…the movie stops! I feel sad, but that’s nothing compared to what I’m about to feel. First half: 4.5 Odd Porn Short: Oh my God! Talk about a fly in the ointment. I was thoroughly unamused that someone would stick their proverbial schlong into my proverbial…you know. I want Heironymous! 0 (NOTE: I still wouldn’t have liked it if it didn’t interrupt Heironymous. It wouldn’t have been welcome in Message From Space, either). Can Heironymous Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe And Find True Happiness? 2nd Half: I was afraid that they weren’t going to show the rest of my beautiful movie, but I wasn’t waiting long, and I was not disappointed. Though the crowd chanted END! I was in my own beautiful world, left to ponder Heironymous’ plight. Life means nothing without true love, and mankind’s attempts to attain said love create the scariest and most complicated dilemmas in the world. If my memory serves me, that was what Newley was getting at; he made his choice, and he was forced to live with it. The specter of what might have been looms large, though. I’ve read all sorts of reviews calling this movie pretentious and overly artsy. Does that make me pretentious? I loved it, and would be very interested to see it again. Can anyone help? 5 P.S. I don’t understand how you could like the movie and not like the songs, they were 80% of it. P.P.S. I apologize for getting all philosophical on you; sometimes it gets the best of me. The Slime People: For all the heavy thoughts forced upon me by Heironymous, maybe the best thing for me was a brainless formulamatic film such as this. However, it was time for go to bed. XX The Lonely Lady: I only saw about 5 minutes of it. And why do you guys like Pia Zadora so much? XX The Corpse Grinders: I awoke from my slumber to a name equally welcome and feared: Ted V. Mikels. I did manage to see most of this one, though I missed about 20 minutes of it. I think I would have enjoyed it a little if I were all the way awake, but fighting sleep detracted a good deal. It was a little boring, a little oily, and I’m not that heartbroken over letting this one slip away. 2.5 Test Tube Babies: This one was right down my alley, allow me to restate that I love shorts. This short was different, though, it wasn’t short. Test Tube Babies was good joke fodder, though there wasn’t always someone there to hear it. I’d be happy to watch it again in a fully functional state. 3 Breakfast: The lights flickered, and as if coming out of a bomb shelter, the one known as Ragnarok and I stumbled out into the unwelcome sunlight to enjoy a little coffee shop breakfast (Ferox very well could have been dead at this point, we’re weren’t sure). We talked a little more, but my shyness prevents me from saying much and I’m sure I looked and sounded like a moron. 5 Midget Short: Midgets, along with lesbians and classic rock, are things that everyone seems to love and I just don’t understand why. Andrew running up on stage was enough to salvage it, though. 3 Breakin’: To be honest, I had no idea what to expect for the next day, and I never saw this one coming. Ferox arose from his slumber tomb and we enjoyed a movie together for the first time since Heironymous. Breakin’ was a bird’s eye view of the effeminate world of urban street dancing. Everyone in it looked like castoffs from the Jackson 5, and watching these flamers talking about street credibility and staying true to their roots is a older equivalent to Nelly talking tough one minute and collaborating with Justin Timberlake the next. A smashing good time, and it would later lead me to realize my true calling in life… I am now special R: street dancing legend! You don’t street dance fool! 4.5 Battlefield Earth: The greatest B-movie of all time..? HORSESHIT! I’m going to sleep. I didn’t want any part of this. XX Tarantula: The unfortunate part about Battlefield Earth was that I slept through the first hour of this one, too. May or may not have been good. XX The Mummy: Man, am I ever going to see a whole movie again? I missed the first half hour or so, but was resurrected to see a pretty good movie. It was classy and suspenseful. I’d be happy to see the whole thing sometime. 4 Godzilla 2000: As much as you’d like to have my throat in your hands right now, I am not at all a fan of Godzilla. This movie was extremely loud, and anyone who accepts a trade-off of actual plot for an endless string of explosions is nuts. No fun at all, but not really bad, either, it was just there. I’m afraid having the capper to my first B-Fest be just there simply will not do. 2 Our triumphant return: We had planned to get some cheap lodgings, but my unexpected visit by the tire store left me broke as all hell. Rather than just pulling over and falling asleep, he decided to go all the way home. This was another disappointment, because driving straight back from a concert road trip always seems to put a frantic end to the night, kind of like having to clean up and run as soon as you’re done having sex. Contrary to these fears, however, the drive home turned out to be very enjoyable. We talked about all sorts of things; ranging from the most private personal issues to Robert Z’Dar’s face. I almost put a sour end to the trip by pushing off buying gas a few too many times, right until we reached a 40 mile stretch with no gas stations of any kind. We got to one and got fuel, only to have the lady inside tell us she was going to close in about three minutes. Maybe Tor Johnson made her stay open just a few seconds longer than she wanted, or maybe she was just slow in getting around to it. Either way, we continued our journey. We got back to Iowa with a generally positive impression of Illinois. I was pretty tired, but I didn’t get to sleep till about an hour away from home. The downside to talking about such heavy personal issues is that it leaves you with a lot to ponder by yourself. Right then and there, I knew it was going to be the worst week ever. We got to Rock Falls, where I dusted off those other fools with my unmatched street dancing skills, tipped over a port-o-potty (there was nobody inside) and went home. Don’t let the depressed tone fool you, though, B-Fest was absolutely worth every penny, every second, every mile on my car, and every crushing moment of the next week. Don’t cry for me, though, I found out the next week just how quickly life can turn around. Final B-Fest grade (out of 5): 5