B-Fest 2002: What REALLY happened? First of all, let me anti-confuse some of you. I’ve started by mentioning that this was “B-Fest SH2001”, and lest some of you shout “NO, IT’S 2002 YOU MORON!” I thought I’d justify myself. You see, this year the ball in New York did not drop. Nobody celebrated well enough, apparently, and the new year simply didn’t roll in; thus, it’s still 2001. I think that I can fairly say that this year will end though, because I’ll be looking for the damned ball especially hard next year. Having said this, it’s time to move to the real topic: The Fest. I was jarred from rest at about 8:00 or so in the morning by Fistula and Ragnarok, shouting something along the lines of “Wake up, fucker! We need to get on the road!” Fair enough, I said, and I dragged myself out of dreams involving bacon and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - well, I don’t really remember what I was dreaming about for sure, but those are what I tend to find myself dreaming of. I rinsed myself of the last twenty-two or so hours’ acquired filth, placed a smile above my beard, and skipped out of the bathroom. I immediately proceeded to skip too closely too the stairs, and I nearly dropped myself onto them with dangerous speed. Lucky I am. We left and started driving, until we reached the end of my road. I realized that I had left my camera back, so Fistula regrettably spun his car around and went back. I ran in to grab the camera, but didn’t forget to snatch a pillow this time too. And we were off. No, seriously, we were actually going this time. What happened next involved quite a bit of driving, but all that is really important to note is that driving in one-hour shifts is surprisingly effective. We all also had our turns at controlling the music, so no one person killed the others with their own brand of destructive decibellated waves. I actually don’t think that one single song was played that anyone objected to, and we even all decided that we wanted to hear the All Cities remix, because we were in such high spirits by the time we reached Chicago. I remember being horrified of driving in the large city. “Oh, this will be nothing like Minneapolis!” they all told me. To them, I say “HAH!”, for the navigation was so simple that it was almost disappointing. Fortunately, I’m not all too much into challenges, so I could accept that it was an easy drive. Wicked yeah. At about this point I began to get nervous. I had done a very bad thing, and I was either going to come in laughing or walk out crying: I had not put myself in a position before this time to gather any cash. So, here I was at the pearly gates [well, more or less wooden, but hey - I’m alluding here!] with naught but a checkbook from an account based out of Mason City, IA. With great fortune I was allowed in by way of pen-wielding might. Fuck yeah, I said. Here comes the show. It is also notable to say that we had not brought any damned food with us. Damn us! Damn us, damn us, damn us! We had read on the B-Fest website that food and drink were absolutely prohibited, and we had never been there before to see how this rule was applied. We should have tried to contact someone about it, but we [I, at least] were [was] too worried about getting there to wonder about such trivialities. Again, damn us. We jumped in, and even though the films were about to start, or at least soon would begin, we tried to say ‘hello’ to a few people. I was wishing that I had gone to sleep the night before that a few hours earlier, as I was already tired. Oh, Christ. I’m tired at the beginning of 24-hours of b-movies. Fuck me running. I did say “Hello!” to Andy-A-Rew [Andrew, that is] though, even though I wasn’t my usual hysterical loud-as-I-can-be self. I should have ran across the stage and acted as if I were getting ready for a running- type marathon, but I didn’t. You can bet your fingernails that I’ll be doing something comparable to such evil activities next year though, as we plan to get a damned hotel room to rest in beforehand. Oh, we’ll be there... and we’ll be much more active next time. Also, it strikes me that Andrew looked like someone that I had seen before. I’ve now figured it out: HE LOOKS LIKE GALLAGHER! Oh, and Anders is our friend. Is it a law that before the word ‘Apostic’ another must appear - a word by the title of ‘Enigmatic’? Well, whilst everyone else calls him the ‘Enigmatic Apostic’, I think I’ll just call him ‘Apple Juice’. I like apple juice. Why can’t I call him apple juice? Oh, OK… the Enigmatic Apostic was there. Are you all content now? Fine! Oh, and Freex was there. I’m at this moment also reading his “making a bad movie” segment, of which I am very interested. I’m looking to use this college’s equipment to make a movie next summer, and I should really get ahold of this guy for pointers and tips. Hell, maybe I can even convince him to get involved? Fuck yeah. Christ, OK, I’ll get on with it. There were some movies there. Here’s what I say about them: 1. The Crawling Eye: Oh my, here it comes! I didn’t have a damnable clue about what was coming up that night, other than the fact that Battlefield Earth would be there, so even the first flick was a surprise for me. I’d like to point out that even though wherever there are mountains there are always clouds, this movie was quite mediocre - TO THE EXTREME!! 2. Gymkata: Oh dear Satan, why? This wasn’t all that bad, except for the sequences where the guy’s batch was exposed to us for a minute at a time. I don’t really know why that guy was playing the game for sure, I was still on too much of an “I’m at B-Fest, hoorah!” type of high to pay all that much attention. The action scenes caught my eye though, and I must say that the ridiculous amount of lameness that the lead guy released every moment was impressive. I don’t care who he was, I just like to laugh at him. 3. What is Communism?: You know, if theoretically-based communism were to take the form that it was supposed to in the first place, it would be the definition of ‘justice’ applied to money. Unfortunately, it’s a stupid world and a stupid quest to make it work. It’s good to know that communists are Lying, Dirty, Shrewd, Determined, Godless, International something something Conspirators... I guess. Fun stuff! My flag died, though. 4. Hardware Wars: Yay, Planet Basketball! I want to visit that place someday. Very well done, especially the Cookie Monster thing. I dig the Monster. 5. Message From Space: I don’t even want to talk about it. To anyone that enjoys this movie: Go eat glowing space walnuts! Actually it might be good on a second viewing, but that’s what we said about another movie... NO! NO! VISIONS OF DEATH COME TO ME! MUST STOP THE - ah, there we go. Nothing like a wooden desk to shake loose those brain-invading visuals of Ultimate Evil, as captured on film. I think some stuff happened here. There was a break, some people talked, Ragnarok talked to some people while I listened to his back. The Stomp Tokyo guys were there, I know that much - and I liked those guys. Raisins are good, especially if you don’t have any other food source for the next full day.... But still not as good as Dog. Dog is good. Mind you not. Oh, and I like that Chad guy. Good guy, he is. 6. The Wizard of Speed and Time: ROCKIN! Goddamn, I wish that we had been prepared for this. We will be now... I’m almost afraid to make a movie after seeing this piece though. I’ll just never be as cool as this guy. 7: emiT dna deepS fo draziW ehT: .yug siht sa looc sa eb reven tsuj ll’I .hguoht eciep siht gniees retfa eivom a ekam ot diarfa tsomla m’I ...won eb lliw eW .siht rof deraperp neeb dah ew taht hsiw I ,nmaddoG !NIKCOR 8: Plan 9: Space. Solarbinite. Tor. Bela. Plates. Fuck yeah. 9: Coffy: Crazy scenes with damage done to people by way of razors placed in some hair, plus Abe Gentry [well, the same actor at least]. It’s just plain zany!! Actually it was really serious, and I appreciated the darkness and destruction that this movie brought. Plus it’s fun to laugh at hookers when you’re this tired. No, I mean REALLY fun. 10: Can Heironymous Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?: He sure can, and we [the Brotherhood] found happiness in this film. Everyone else keeps screaming about how pretentious and horrible it was, and if I knew the full context I might hate it too. I, however, am a young man. And I liked it, fuckers! As much as I usually hate social commentary and the like, I actually thought that this movie had something to say. Just what did it say? E-mail me, and we’ll argue about it. Anyone. Seriously. I just want to hear why it sucked so much, basically. Moving with onedness... 11: The Slime People: I really don’t care. Overused plot, scenes used multiple times [for no real effect on me], and fog used for visual obstruction just made me cranky. I was tired, and I wanted to see a movie. I didn’t care about the damned thing... except for the goat. Good job for using the goat, movie. 12: The Lonely Lady: What? Pia? What? Sorry about this one, faithful fans - I was awake through the first part of it, but it’s all just a chunk of blurry images. I have no idea what the hell happened, other than the fact that evil danced through my nonconscious mind. 13: The Corpse Grinders: Mikels? What? Don’t care. Slept. 14: Test Tube Babies: I kept waking up, but didn’t pay any attention to the movie. I just sat there and tried to bring myself to an awakened state. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. At least I finally got my rest for the night before, eh? Ah! It’s light in here! ... the fuck? Oh, wait, some stuff is happening. I went out and put my contacts back in. They had been out long enough to adequately rinse, so I poked at my eyes and ended up with vision again. I headed back, but didn’t really do anything. Some more movies started, and it was time to hit the ground hard, and then do some running. Jea, you all. 15: Midget Short: The only thing that I can say is “MIDGETS!” Great short. Gallagher - uh - Borntreger would agree with me. [note: sorry if this is offensive, Andrew. Yell at me if it is] 16: Breakin’: Wow! Breakin’ was a wonderfully horrible romp through the apparenly very feminine world of male Eighties street dancing. Poor poor Ice T. I’ll bet that he feels pretty stupid for this one! Then again, he probably feels stupid for everything that he’s ever done - or at least I’d like to think that he is. He should be. In any case, I rented this movie the weekend after B-Fest, so you know that it couldn’t have been that bad to watch. Yes, it’s a terrifying movie. But it’s also great to laugh at. Really, really great. BREAKIN’! 17: Battlefield Earth: I feel like a rejected prostitute for trying to push this movie as “not that bad” before this viewing. The first time that I saw it, I missed the first half and wasn’t paying very close attention. I’m really, really sorry to anyone that I hurt by making them go out and rent it. Oh, wait, I probably didn’t convince anyone. Oh well, I guess. It sucked the poo from the ass of the ass. 18: Tarantula: You know, I think that this might have been a damned fine movie had I been in the mood. I was more ready for the next two though, and Tarantula just didn’t keep my attention for that long. I gave it my attention, but was also wondering about other stuff... mainly I was thinking about Heironomous. Yes, I really liked it. 19: The Mummy: Ragnarok has been pushing Hammer movies for quite a long time now, and I know what they do. I should have paid more attention to them before this, but I can deal with the fact that I was wrong in not pursuing their flicks because I have a reason to now. Great stuff, I say. 20: Gojira 2000: GOJIRA!! I went on stage, even though I was sort of afraid that I wasn’t supposed to be there. I’m just paranoid when I’m tired, I guess. Saw this in the theatre, and dug it here too. Ah! Running home time it is! On my way out, I picked up and threw away a large amount of plates, and not-so-secretly wished that we could stop and talk to the other important people [What? We’re not one of them? Oh... My horrible]. Unfortunately, being stuck in Chicago without a car because it’s been towed did NOT sound like an enjoyable endeavor. If we’d have had a place to go, it would have been a much anti-same story. On the way back I proved again that I am indeed the Map Fucking Master, and from this fact my name was carved: Map Bastardson! I came to this title because we all recognized the power that Breakin’ had had over us all, and we needed to give ourselves street dancing names. After all, how can the world’s greatest Breakers go without labeling each other? So, after much deliberation, we’ve come to theses: Ferox: Map Bastardson Fistula: Special R [as in Rowsdower] Ragnarok: Goggles The sing-along was great [with myself and Ragnarok being the vocalizers], and we ran through a large array of songstuffs. I especially enjoyed the mandatory singing of "House of the Rising Sun". It was good this time - I only wish that Fedeler had been there. As mentioned in Ragnarok’s talkings, we did the Breakin’ thing and risked life and limb in Rock Falls, IA - fortunately everyone was too confused to destroy us. We then dropped Ragnarok off at home and took off to my place. I know that I got home. I know that I went inside. And I know that I slept. I might have eaten something, but I’m not sure... all that I know was that I was at that time, and still am, absolutely blown away by the greatness that was B-Fest SH2001.