B-Fest 2003:


   A hearty huzzah to you and yours.  We are all interested in the future...
wait. Sorry, the soul of The Great Criswell consumed me for a second.
That’s all over, though, so I’m going to donkey punch you and infiltrate
you with my B-Fest diary for the greatest year of all time:  2003!
Here it is, completely over organized and chock full of tedious and
pretentious drivel with a hint of retsin.  



   The Long and Winding Road aka The Drive There:  Just like a crappy
slasher sequel that tries to trick you into thinking it’s doing something
different only to take you down the same stupid trail it always does, we
started this year an hour closer and with a different lineup.  Ferox was
volunteering at Satan’s Blood Drive (we need fresh blood everyday to
maintain strength and reviewing power), so we had to leave him behind
this year.  However, assuming two is better than one, we loaded up with
Fedeler, friend of the brotherhood, and the reanimated corpse of Andy, the
last descendent of longtime Night Ranger guitarist Brad Gillis. We went
to sleep at about 3 AM, only to arise at 5:30, refreshed and ready to roll.
After getting lost briefly in Cedar Falls, the trip went off without a
hitch. We got a hotel in Mount Prospect and went shopping for a spell.


Highlights from the trip include the wonderfully cool lady at Movies
Unlimited in Belvediere and passing Beefaroo, a restaurant with such a
goofy name we almost ate there (“I’ll have the Potted Meat Food Product
meatloaf with a hamburger grease chaser, and can you save me that slice
on cow ass for desert?”) We found the parking lot and went inside

GRADE:  4.5



   Milling Around Time:  I still feel a little bit overwhelmed wandering
around and seeing people who paved the way for the Brotherhood.  Andrew
Borntreger was conspicuously absent, but all for a good cause, and I’d
like to say good luck with everything and God be with you if you’re into
that.  There was one small plus to that though:  we could voice our
support of Heironymous and not fear for our lives.  I was a little sad
to see that everybody hates that movie more now than when we watched it
last year.  I liked it, so eat me.  4



   Kingdom of the Spiders:  It was last summer when we decreed the word
“acting” be officially replaced with the word “Shatner” and I still
think it’s a good idea.  When Kingdom of the Spiders scurried across
the screen I found out that it’s indeed possible to pay your respects to
the master of over dramatizing and speaking haltingly without being
shame.  This movie had a disturbing pedophilia backdrop going on and
featured examples of such popular movie devices as killing cute puppy
dogs and Shatner grabbing the ass of little girls.  This movie reeks
of TNT’s 4:00 AM lineup, and Shatner doesn’t pour it on too thick,
which can be considered a blessing or a curse.  Take it or leave it.  3



   Cool as Ice:  Okay, it goes without saying that this movie sucks.
In fact, saying it sucks is a disservice to movies that suck. I’m sure
when reading this and saw the words Cool as Ice you said, “that movie
sucks.” Vanilla Ice’s acting makes Adam Sandler and Carrot Top seem
like latter day versions of Olivier and Joe Estavez (not even Vanilla
Ice can make Carrot Top digestible).  That said, it’s like a neat little
time capsule from the early 90s.  The clothes, the bikes, and bless
their hearts, the dancing remind you of what once was and how fucked up
you had to be to think it was cool.  Come on, you can admit it.  I did.


   Here’s one to ponder:  It’s no wonder Cool as Ice had no trouble in
choking the last breath out of Vanilla Ice’s abomination of a career,
it was at all times one lame single away from being over anyway.  If
you find yourself sitting around on a rainy day here’s a fun game to
play. Try inserting actors of varying success into Vanilla Ice’s role
in the movie and ask yourself it the movie was bad enough to finish
their career off.  Here’s a lightning round to get you started:  Samuel
L. Jackson:  no.  Mark Hamill:  yes.  Tor Johnson:  no, in fact, would
have been really cool in that role.  Robert Z’Dar (his face is fucking
huge!):  yes.  Kevin Costner:  already committed career suicide;
beating a dead horse.  


   I’ve seen this movie enough times (a really sad commentary on my life,
I realize) that there weren’t too many surprises and it’s mostly a movie
you laugh at as opposed to making fun of.  Even after being bored to death
by the ridiculous witness relocation plot line, have a good laugh as
Vanilla Ice gracefully bows out of his career.  4



   Flash Gordon:  I’m not a fan of space movies. There, I said it. My
prejudice is going to skew this review horribly so I’ll be nice about
it. Flash Gordon may have been fun for people who like stuff like this
(I assume this movie needs no introduction.  If you’re not familiar with
it find a review of it somewhere else), but for all I could tell it was
Message From Space all over again.  In addition to not liking the movie
this is where the lack of sleep started to kick my ass. I slept through
a good deal of it but I wasn’t enjoying it anyway.  Here you go movie,
here’s my middle finger... FLASH!  1.5



   Wizard of Speed and Time:  I don’t want to seem like a downer, but
I still don’t understand why everyone blows their load for The Wizard
of Speed and Time every year. It’s pretty whacked out and there’s lots
of stuff flying around, which I usually like.  After just waking up from
some crappy sleep, however, I wasn’t in the mood to travel through
speed and time.  2.5



   Plan 9 from Outer Space:  So comes another year, so comes another
viewing of Plan 9 from Outer Space complete with plate-flinging frenzy.
There’s really not much left to say.  It’s an institution. Let’s keep
flinging those plates in the name of Tor Johnson. A question, though:
Does showing Plan 9 year in and year out ruin the possibility of other
Tor Johnson / Ed Wood movies being shown?  There’s so much more out
there. If anyone found and kept a plate that said “Shop Smart.  Shop
S-Mart” on it I really wanted that one but forgot to grab it when I
left.  Treat it well.  4



   The Happy Hooker:  The first gem of the night.  I really get into
these grimy exploitive types (I wouldn’t be surprised if Ted V. Mickels
directed this under a different name) but this one turned out to be a
little different.  Our heroine was both strong and beautiful, and
seeing her rise above everything and being successful actually warmed
my heart a little bit.  One of the reels broke so the movie was shorter
than it should have been.  Yet, the reel that broke was apparently
little more than exposition, and the movie was just fine without it.
I loved the movie, and I’d call it my second favorite movie ever seen
at B-Fest (you know damn well what’s #1).  5



   Flesh Gordon:  Didn’t we just watch this?  I’d heard of this before,
and from what I saw it was a very faithful spoof on the movie we watched
not 4 hours ago.  I suppose to that end it’s pretty funny, but to qualify
that statement you have to like Flash Gordon, too.  If you’ll recall, I
did not like it, and the humor in Flesh Gordon was so crude that even a
lifelong Beavis and Butt-Head fan like myself would shake his head in
disgust.  Don’t take my word for it, though, there’s a very good chance
you’d like it, so don’t be afraid to check it out.  2


   PS.  It’s sleep time again. If I learned one lesson this year it
would be not to work late the night before B-Fest.   My plan to make
up sleep during the car ride turned out to be a waste of thought
process, and the backup plan to DaVinci sleep here and there was stupid.
As a result, I slept way too much of this year’s B-Fest away.  



   Warlords of Atlantis:  The first of two movies I have no right to
place judgment on.  I only saw a few minutes of Warlords of Atlantis,
and that troubles me because everyone seemed to have a lot of fun with
it.  The only thing I remember is a guy with femmy hair who looked
like Prince Valium from Spaceballs (the name Feminor sound vaguely
familiar).  Read Ragnarok’s review, he was actually there and speaks
highly of this movie.  XX



   Dementia-13:  This is the first and only B-Fest movie that I slept
completely through and was never aware of existing.  And, like Warlords
of Atlantis, I curse myself for missing it because (as it was described
to me in the car) it sounded like exactly the type of movie I love to
watch.  I hope to see it someday.  XX



   No Holds Barred:  I slept almost all the way through this one too.
That said, I’ve seen it enough on my own that I don’t feel guilty for
branding “SUCK” all over it.  Flashback with me, won’t you?  I used
to be a huge Hulk Hogan fan, and towards the wrestling end of his
career I’m still a fan.  However, in no way do I endorse anything The
Hulkster ventured into aside from the squared circle.  It all began
with the idiotic WWF Rock ‘N’ Wrestling.  I was too young to check it
out the nanosecond it was on before being cancelled but my love and
devotion of Hulkamania compelled me to borrow a tape of it from a
friend of mine.  It sucked but it was just a Saturday morning cartoon,
so it can be forgiven.  After No Holds Barred came Mr. Nanny, which
came at a time when Hulkamania blinded my idiot eight-year-old mind
into liking it.  Things changed, though.  At Wrestlemania VI Hulk
dropped the belt to The Ultimate Warrior.  This was the first time I
remembered seeing Hulk Hogan lose a big match, and this coincided with
the release of Suburban Commando.  Finally being able to see the forest
for the trees, it dawned on me that Hulk Hogan movies really sucked.
I’m not sure it’s 100% Hogan’s fault unless he picks his own movie
treatments, then it is 100% his fault.  From that day on I was
horrified of movies with Hulk Hogan in them.


   All right, back to No Holds Barred.  I remember renting this piece
of crap when I was young.  Of course, I assumed it would be a carbon
copy of what I watched on TV every week.  What I got, however, is really
a dismal and horrible film for a young child to watch.  I didn’t want
to see people getting killed and people cursing up a storm in Hogan’s
direction.  This movie actually cooled me on wrestling for a while; it’s
that bad.  Nowadays, this movie is just really stupid, boring, and
gloomy.  There is a silver lining to this cloud, though. I woke up from
a sound sleep to the sound of people yelling.  I knew instantly what
was going on: The phenomenon of “Zeus-yelling” had begun.  Those
fortunate enough to have avoided this movie your whole life should know
that Zeus is Hulk’s arch nemesis in No Holds Barred.  Played by Tiny
Lister (Deebo from Friday), Zeus does an inordinate amount of yelling
in this movie, and I was thrilled to hear emulations of the big man.  I
dragged my half-dead ass up into my chair and chimed in as I knew I had
been waiting my whole life to do.  


   How would I rate this movie/suppository?  On the merit of nearly
destroying my love of Hulkamania (Hogan’s other movies share some of the
blame) I hate this movie with a passion.  On the merits of the actual
movie, I still hate it.  The movie is redeemed, however, by Zeus’ love
of yelling and our love of yelling right along with him. To this date
it hasn’t stopped. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHH!  3



   Breakfast Break:  After such a rude awakening I was still shaking
off the cobwebs, and thanks to the extended breakfast session (to make
up time from the broken reel of The Happy Hooker), I had plenty of time
to get my shake on.  To tell you the truth, I don’t remember much of
breakfast.  Here’s the one thing I do remember, though.  I went out
into the lobby for something, and when I came back, there was a sign
on the theatre door that said breakfast was going to be extended before
the start of ... 2.5



   Mac and Me:  Ugh.  In the world of flaming E.T. rip-offs I suppose
this movie was something of a hit.  However, this loathsome slice of
goat dick is what happens when corporate assfuckers see a movie,
realize a marketing opportunity, and latch on to suck every ounce of
integrity and decency from its unsuspecting host. E.T. was a movie that
did very well at the box office and entertained a lot of people.
Apparently the jack offs who made Mac and Me only saw the Rieces Pieces
scene, though, because someone thought it was perfectly righteous to
bludgeon an unsuspecting audience with a potent arsenal of product
placement and still clean up with the money it brought regardless of
how the movie did at the box office.  Oh, and did I mention the movie
sucked?  


   A stupid looking alien is lost on Earth light years away from its
family.  Do I care?  Hell no, I’d be thrilled to run over the little
bastard with a steamroller and piss on its flattened remains.  In fact,
if anyone wants to come together with me for a sequel, I propose we
line up multiple deals with car companies, and to model the new 2003
automobiles, they take turns running down Mac and his family and
backing over the mangled corpses with a fucking snowplow to be given
away as a door prize at the movie’s premier. See, even if nobody
comes to see it we’ll be rich. In the actual movie Mac takes residence
with a kid in a wheelchair and his family.  Mom works at Sears and
they make damn sure you know she works at Sears (who, by the way, now
offer Whirlpool appliances in addition to their popular and dependable
Kenmore lines.  This month receive 10% off all appliance purchases
and free installation!  Offer not available in Hawaii or Utah, New
York residents are subject to 6% sales tax).  The rest of this wretched
steamer is pretty much Mac playing hide and go bang yourself with mom
and drinking Coke (don’t forget to try new Diet Vanilla Coke.  The
wait is over!).  I mean he drinks a lot of Coke.  Unfortunately, he
doesn’t get trapped in a blood-filled shower like in Cthulhu Mansion.
I’d also suggest the acid bath from Buried Alive, but nobody listens
to me.  Oh, to avoid the government agents after him, Mac goes to the
local McDonalds (who, of course, have commissioned me to remind you,
the reader, of their New Tastes Menu and 2 for $2.00 Quarter Pounder
sale going on for a limited time only Would you like a hot apple pie
with that?  Thanks for the inspiration Bob).  It’s the kind of warm 
and fuzzy scene that makes you want to punt a kitten and sow two
turtledoves’ faces together and laugh when they rip one another to
pieces trying to get free.


   Wow, such cynicism on my part. Perhaps I’m giving this movie too
much credit.  Is it possible, rather than being a diabolic capitalist
money trap, Mac and Me is just a bad fucking movie?  No way. In the
end Mac reunites with his family and goes to church.  That’s right,
church.  Wow, thanks to all-American capitalism and Republican family
values, Mac and his cockmolesting family are now ready to drive
sensibly priced minivans, eat meat, and watch reality TV like a true
American ought to.  Just saying I hate this movie is a gross
understatement.  I’d like to go back in time and institute a boycott
but it would do no good because the people responsible for it probably
cleaned up long before the movie ever hit the screen.  Rather, I say
hunt down the people that made it and jam a Kenmore washer up their
collective asses and turn it on spin cycle.  At least we got to chant
“end, end” with everyone, it was a big thrill for Fedeler.  This movie
wasn’t as bad as Message From Space last year (there’s no way Message
From Space clocks in at anything under 3 hours), but it was the worst
movie of this year by a good distance.  As I drink from this can of
Coke and enjoy a McChicken sandwich I can’t help but wonder what ever
became of Mac and his family. 


   Dad probably became a flaming alcoholic after losing his factory
job in the post-911 economy crash and belittles Mom so much that she
gives up her dreams, drops out of community college, and eases into
a spiral of depression and bulimia.  Mac and his little sister have
become jaded by their parents constantly fighting and Dad’s alcohol-
fueled abuse and choose drugs and overeating, respectively, as a
warped form of substance in their lives. Mac, to combat his loss of
identity that resulted from his parents paying less and less attention
to him, takes comfort at the local Church of Satan.  As his initiation
Mac is forced to take part in the ritual murder of his sister to
appease the dark lord’s lust for blood and earthly suffering. She
doesn’t even mind, though, because the Earth children tease her horribly
about her depression-related weight gain and Mommy and Daddy don’t
love her anymore. When Mac’s parents find out what has happened,
Dad goes to the bar and shares a quiet evening with his only friend
Popov.  Mom sinks even deeper into depression until Dad comes home
drunk and violent.  After a shouting match in which they blame each
other for the death of their youngest child Dad comes after mom with
a broken vodka bottle before Mom, who has been cheating on Dad with
a guy she met at the local bowling alley and would have divorced him
long ago if not for the property issues, shoots him down in cold
blood before taking her own life.  Mac, coming home just in time to
see Mom spill her blood in shame, opens both his wrists with a steak
knife and curls up next to Mom. In his dying moments Mac can only
wonder how his life reached this state.  He dies a lonely and miserable
soul.  Hopefully they sit there a long time and get devoured by maggots.
It’s a shame Mac didn’t realize how far away family life is from
the movies.  Fuck you movie, rot in Hell.  0


   The Last Dragon:  On the way to building the Motown empire
Berry Gordy made a few mistakes.  One might point at letting Marvin
Gaye out of his contract, allowing him to do some of his best work
on another label.  Undoubtedly his biggest mistake, however, was
giving the okay to make a kung-fu movie.  I’ve seen this movie
annually since I was about 7 or 8 years old (we watched it to review
but never got around to it) and each time it rides the spirals down
the toilet a little bit further.  The movie is about Leroy; an avid
admirer of Bruce Lee who dreams of reaching the plateau of skill and
consciousness he did.  In his way is Eddie Arkanian, a greaseball
producer Leroy crossed while protecting his love interest who could
only be described as a fake Paula Abdul.  Also working against Leroy
is Sho’nuff, the self-dubbed “Shogun of Harlem” who is the meanest,
prettiest, all that other jazz.  I like Sho’nuff a lot and I still
root for him when he fights Leroy at the end. 


   This movie has a lot of fighting Carl Douglas style, a lot of
fruity dancing and pitiful 80s music, and a lot of 80s in general.
Leroy becomes the master and gets the girl (and sex, yeah Leroy!)
at the end, but was it really worth all this goofiness?  All in all,
I had fun watching it the 40th time and I’ll probably watch it
again. And again.  And again.  3.5



   It Came from Beneath the Sea:  Ah, my friend the black and white
monster movie.  This was redemption for me because I missed the other
sea-themed movie of the night.  This one starred a familiar face,
Ruth from This Island Earth.  Ruth plays a liberated scientist who
wants to prove she can kick as much cheesy monster ass as the guys
can.  Lurking in the depths is a giant octopus waiting to consume
anything in its path.  The only thing is this octopus doesn’t have
eight tentacles.  We counted 5 or 6; I can’t remember which.  This
movie was a lot of fun to Zeus yell at and sitting in the crossfire
of This Island Earth jokes was cool.  Speaking of This Island Earth,
how many of you noticed the deliveryman who dropped off the interoceter
catalog?  That’s none other than my favorite director of all time
Coleman Francis.  His was a catalog of wonderful work that is sadly
unavailable, save Beast of Yucca Flats, unMST3Kified.  With our help,
kids, someday it may be available for the world to enjoy.  3.5



   What is Communism?  I don’t know, what is communism?  I probably
mentioned this before, but one of my ultimate regrets is not being
in school during the time this kind of thing was taught as fact.
Can you imagine being in school today and having your teacher pop
in some skewed anti-Iraq nonsense claiming the entire country was
waiting to cut your throat as soon as you fell asleep?  My how times
have changed, and in the world of educational videos, things
certainly haven’t changed for the better.  Does anybody know what
color dress J. Edgar Hoover wore to the peace treaty session?  4



   Supergirl:  I wasn’t in the theatre for more than a few minutes
of this movie and I’ll tell you why.  I’d been spending all day
trying to call someone very special back at home and the payphone
was being a real cocktease.  I swear to you that payphone hated
my guts and took pleasure in tormenting me.  First, it insisted
that my area code back home didn’t exist.  Then, an operator told
me that it took all credit cards EXCEPT Visa, which it only took
from hotels.  The hell?  Eventually, I decided to walk to a gas
station we went to the night before.  I figured it was only a mile
or two away but it turns out the damned place was eight miles away.
I was about 5 miles down the road when I met a nice guy who
redirected me to a couple of gas stations a mile in the other
direction.  I found them…they were closed.  All I wanted was a
goddamned phone card.  Eventually, after an hour of walking, I
found a different type of pay phone outside a bus station that
would take my credit card.  By this point, mind you, I wasn’t
even in Evanston anymore and it was starting to get cold.  I go
 through to her and talked for about 5 minutes before turning
around and walking back to the theatre.  Was it worth it?  Damn
right it was worth it, I’d walk a thousand miles to hear her voice.
But you don’t want to hear about that.  It was also nice to see
most of the campus and I got back safe and sound.  If you want
to hear about the movie read Ragnarok’s review.  I’d rate the walk
a 4.5 with the only detraction being coldness.



   Godzilla 1985:  In stark contrast to last years awful Godzilla
2000, I walked in to the theatre in the middle of my favorite
installation of the Godzilla series.  As with last years finale,
rather than making fun of the movie I spent the last hour
reflecting on the whole experience and just enjoying my
surroundings.  I don’t really have that much to say about this
movie, all I know is I was sure glad to be where I was.  3.5



   Leaving Here:  Perhaps the biggest difference from last years
B-Fest was the fact that we didn’t have to haul ass out of Chicago
and speed all the way home. We stopped at a video game store and
I got a few Nintendo games (the original Nintendo.  It’s still
the best gaming system ever made).  We went back to our hotel room
and found an excellent Chinese buffet, the best one I’d ever had
if I do say so.  The night was peaceful as we prepared for tomorrow’s
activities.  We awoke and hit the road to find a kickass mall where
I found more Nintendo games (including the awesome Shadowgate, a
first person RPG through a haunted castle).  The trip home was in
stark contrast to last year’s wide-open emotional outpouring.  Maybe
we were a little more at peace with ourselves, I know I am.  The
highlight of the trip home was getting our picture taken in front
of the most absurd sign I’d ever seen in my life.  On the
interstate in Illinois there was a homemade sign which read “The
Most Important Issue:  Choose Pro-Life.”  Quote…God.  That’s right.
The fact that I’m extremely pro-choice is beside the point here.
Back in the days when God was giving direct quotes about abortion...
on second thought, talking about it not only glorifies such idiocy
but also creates circulation for the no-dick sheep rapist that made it.


That’s pretty much all I have to say.  While I’ve got the microphone
I’d like to plug Reel Shame, the superb book from the guys over at
Stomp Tokyo.  I’ve read it cover to cover and can safely say reading
that book is a better use of your time than reading this crap. As
long as you’ve got your credit card out be sure to pick up the new
Strapping Young Lad record tomorrow [update:  out now].  I’d like
to thank everyone who helped make B-Fest another resounding success,
and special thanks to Chris the book. Feel free to kill Bob next
year if he keeps talking about donkey punches.  Everyone out there
in B-movie land Zeus yell one last time with me.  1... 2... 3...



AAAAAAHHHHHHH!